When I split from my ex, I had an idea of some of the things I’d do. I had a list of things I’d put off doing or that I’d forgotten that I enjoyed doing because I was putting others’ needs before my own.  And one of the things on my list was that I was going to go to this two day event in London that happened every year on a specific weekend. And instead of taking the train in and out of London both days, I’d stay overnight.  I’d make the most of my time and I would see a musical on my own on the Saturday evening.  For months, I felt pretty excited about what I was calling my ‘Me Weekend’.  

Only it didn’t become a Me Weekend in the end.  I’d started talking to this wildly interesting man two weeks before Me Weekend.  He and I would message back and forth off and on all day. Every day.  He’d message me good morning as he was in the gym during a leg workout and I’d respond that I was lazing about in bed still, that maybe I’d roll out of bed to sit at my desk in my home office or maybe I’d stay under the duvet with my work laptop with me.  But the messaging wouldn’t stop there.  We talked about everything. Food, music, films. He seemed to take my random conversation starters in his stride and I love how unexpected he was.  

In the end, I told him about Me Weekend.  He said he was free from the early afternoon on the Saturday if I wanted to meet him for a drink.  I said ‘yes’ immediately but told him that my thing during the day would determine my availability.  On the day though, I was on the train to meet him for 2pm.  In one of those weird coincidences that happen, I got out at the wrong exit and suddenly thought, oh no, he’ll never find me here and I circled back.  I’m not the most observant person and hadn’t seen more than one face picture of him before we met but just as I was fast-walking back to the other side of the station, I looked up and there he was. 

Jesus Christ.  I find attraction is not something that comes easily to me but this man was gorgeous. It was so obvious how comfortable he felt in his own skin, in his body. I loved the way he walked, the way he moved. I’d never considered how I felt about bald men before but he really sold it for me.  I did probably stand there taking him in for a beat too long and made it awkward. But I am an awkward person so I didn’t dwell on it too much.  And he turned out to be my favourite kind of people – the sort of person who just by being who and how they are seem to lower my anxiety, people who make me comfortable in their presence.  And the rest of the day passed in a blur.

We sat in a pub talking for hours. I started being obsessed with seeing his smile, trying to say things that would make him laugh.  In the end, it started becoming obvious how much I wanted this man, there was something in his eyes that made me thought that maybe he was into me too?  He was ridiculously respectful in the way he had touched me, in the things he said. Even with me trying to guide things into finding out what he wanted to do after this.  But he never said.  When I said should we get out of here? He responded by asking shall we walk in such a sweet way that I said yes even though what I actually wanted to do was take his hand and guide him back to my hotel room.

I enjoyed our walk.  I can’t walk straight to save my life, so I kept bumping into him and he did that thing where he touched my lower back as he guided me through places when I wasn’t watching where I was going, animatedly telling him a story.  I got incredibly lost and relied on him to find our way again. He also has the patience of a saint. I feel like he could have walked forever listening to me talk.  But I wanted more from him.  

In the end, I said to him that I wanted to drop my bag off in my hotel room before my thing that night. I was having a great time talking, did he want to walk with me?  He said yes and 20 minutes later, we were in my room and there this was charge in the space between us.  But by this time, he hadn’t said explicitly that he was into me and the way my brain works means that I could always count on myself to twist things to mean that …he’s just a nice person, he’s just interested in me platonically. I also wasn’t sure if we were moving too quickly.  So I needed him to say it. Anything. Whatever he was thinking. 

In the end, I asked him outright. What are we doing? What did he want to do? So we started kissing and the passion from it was off the charts.  All that pent up sexual tension between us that had built up for hours just fueled the way we kissed each other.

The way I pulled up his shirt to touch the bare skin of his back. The way his hands went up my thighs, the way he pulled me close to him.  I found that my favourite place on earth was suddenly straddling him, one of his hands up my dress on my ass the other in my hair, his erection straining between us. 

But just as I was about to whisper to him that I thought we both had far too many clothes on my alarm went off on my phone. The one that said when I needed to leave to get to my musical on time. We pulled away from each other out of breath.  And lying there on my bed, drunk from kisses I did think … should I just not go to the theatre?? Surely here is where I needed to be. Naked with this man.  I went back and forth about it. I wanted both at the same time. 

In the end, I remembered that was this (supposedly) Me Weekend. That I’d made these plans with myself in mind. For what I wanted and needed.  It was symbolic more than anything else. That I was putting myself first.  So reluctantly I left.  This kind, sexy man escorted me all the way to the doors of the theatre giving me the most delicious kisses goodbye.  I breathlessly asked if he wanted to wait for me, come back to my hotel room after the show. But with regret in his face, he said no. That he needed to get home for his cat.  So we said goodbye there.  

We were going to meet up again in a few weeks’ time but it didn’t work out and in the end, I think he met someone and deleted his profile.  I think back at his beautiful smile, the amazing afternoon and evening we shared and think I wouldn’t have done anything differently.