Baby, Can I Hold You

Changes

January 28, 2026

life

I have a list on my notes app on my phone of ideas for future posts on this blog. One idea in particular that I’ve been mulling over how to approach it is my ex husband’s fear of change. I had a few different examples I was going to write about, and I might still write about them. But something happened last week that has given me a different perspective on both change and my ex husband’s attitude towards change.

I’ve been in my current work role for the past almost three years. I’ve been applying for other roles in the hopes that I can get a promotion elsewhere that I haven’t been able to achieve within my current organisation. I would say that 90% of the time I am confident that I can do the promotion… but last week I attended a job interview with another company willing to consider me for a promotion into the higher role.

As part of the interview process they wanted me to carry out a 10 minute presentation followed by some competency-based questions. And I left that interview thinking …I feel good about my answers. I’m excited about this opportunity, I’m excited about the people that I’ve met, the description of the team, the role, the challenges. I felt like I was riding high on the possibility.

Until that weekend when I got hit with a massive case of imposter syndrome. I started thinking there’s a reason I haven’t been promoted in my current role, what makes me think I’m good enough to do the job at this other place? What if they realise fairly soon that I’m not up to scratch?

And to multiply some of that anxiety I also started thinking about the additional commute if I was successful in this job. How would that change my routine? How would I cope with the added commute times, with the journey, with my travel anxiety. I have no sense of direction, what if I start every day I’m in the office with anxiety about getting my train, being on the right platform, being on time, getting lost getting from the station to my office, to finding where I’m meant to be.

And from there it just spiralled back to what if they don’t like me, what if I don’t have the skills needed to do my job, what if I don’t pick things up in time, what if their expectations of me aren’t met, what if I’m just not capable of it all.

And at the time I was fully invested in this mental breakdown and nosedive in my own confidence and abilities. I didn’t really consider much else outside of those very specific worries and doubts. But now that some time has passed I do sort of wonder … how will I react when the divorce is finalised and I’m living somewhere new and on my own? What will change look like for me then? Will I be celebrating or hiding under my duvet doing breathing exercises until everything feels better?

We shall see.

Updated to add: I didn’t get the job.

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Dream Texts

January 27, 2026

relationships

I had a dream the other night. It was maybe two separate dreams but when I woke up I knew that two things had happened and I wasn’t sure what I felt about either of those things.

It was one of those realistic dreams where things happen and it was like I was lying in bed with my phone in my hand when a new notification came in or like I’d fallen asleep and then sleepily woke up (in my dream) and checked my phone for notifications.

And that’s it, really. Except that in this dream, it was that my ex sent me a text that read ‘I’ve been thinking and I’ve reconsidered us not seeing each other…’

And the other notification was that my on/off person had sent a message that read ‘Why don’t you come over and see what fun we can get up to?’

And lord, brain. What are you doing to me with either of these messages? I’m not sure that I necessarily need reminders of all the things I can’t have.

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Is This Thing On?

January 26, 2026

relationships

This post is actually about the film I saw tonight, the one with Will Arnett and Laura Dern. But I feel like the title is quite apt for this blog too. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing lately. For lots of reasons. But that’s a story for another time.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to the cinema with my kid (and my ex, because we still do family things together) but at the last minute my kid decided that he wasn’t up for the cinema tonight. So my ex and I went instead. We don’t normally do things that feel or seem datey. We don’t go out for meals on our own, to the cinema. We’ll shop together because shopping feels safe and less confusing. But tonight there was a Scene Unseen showing at the local cinema and we went to see it.

It shouldn’t be weird. It’s been five fucking years of us being separated. And he knows I’ve had a million dates, and lots of sex with people and one very significant relationship with someone in that time. And yet it was weird tonight.

Because the film? Is This Thing On? I hadn’t realised it was about a man who starts doing stand-up comedy to help him process his feelings about his separation from his wife. That’s pretty much the entire story. About how these two people weren’t happy in their marriage, where it went wrong, how they both felt after it ended.

And it was a sweet film, it was emotional. I enjoyed it. But it was also weird because my ex husband can be really fucking weird about watching films or hearing stories or any mention of divorce. I mentioned in passing about a colleague getting a divorce and my ex husband went silent and weird. And I remember thinking ‘is the whole topic of anyone getting divorced off limits now?’

But I thought it was an interesting story. I wouldn’t personally turn to comedy or stand in front of other people to talk about my relationship. But I might write an anonymous blog. And I know how much that has helped me. So it was a lovely story to be watching.

Thankfully my ex husband and I don’t like sitting next to each other in the cinema so I didn’t have to sit next to him as he got weird about this story. But I did have to deal with the weirdness after. I wasn’t sure if when I left the cinema if it would be silent, awkward. Or if he’d react differently.

Tonight, he pounced on the conversation. Almost in a ‘SEE, see how cool I am with talking about this, I’m fine, FINE’ sort of way. Because as soon as he saw me, he said ‘So what did you think?’ in a kind of aggressive way. I was expecting us to have the conversation in the car so I was startled and said ‘It was …nice.’ And I don’t think ‘nice’ is the word I meant to use, but I was under pressure!

And so he rambled all the way back to the car about it. In a nervous way. In a ‘I need to keep talking to prove how okay I am with it’ way and it was like I picked up on that nervousness and every time he went quiet I filled that space up with more words. All the words. We just traded words back and forth, back and forth.

All the way home.

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On Being Reciprosexual

January 9, 2026

dating

I had a question today from someone that I’d only started conversing with today. On my profile where we met, I have displayed that I am demisexual and reciprosexual. I get a lot of questions about being reciprosexual. Like, a lot.

But today was a new one:

Does that (being reciprosexual) make you more submissive by nature?

I wrote back, no. Why should it? and he went on to confuse attraction with submission stating that because someone else makes the first move would that not make me more submissive?

Aside from the fact that the other person doesn’t necessarily ‘make the first move’ to trigger my reciprosexuality, my attraction or lack of it does not have anything to do with power dynamics. But also, just because someone expresses a sexual interest in me that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a choice in my own attraction to that person.

Which, I guess, needs to be explained to certain people?

I feel like this whole exchange annoyed me in ways that I cannot explain. It’s partly because why do I need to constantly expend emotional labour for others to understand. But also the effort of explaining things to someone using other people’s frames of reference. And also the leap from attraction into something else entirely annoyed me. Probably because I wonder if other people would make the same assumption?

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Dating Disappointment vol. 4

January 8, 2026

dating

Promising messages from two different people came in around the same sort of time over my Christmas break.

The first said he’d seen an enormous number of plays and musicals in 2025 but that it was a mixture of work and pleasure as he was a theatre reviewer. I thought ‘oh gosh’ I’m going to love this conversation. And I did. He asked my opinion on the different plays and musicals I’d seen recently, my favourites, we talked about his favourites. And I was so thrilled by it all. That is until we had nothing more to say to each other about musical theatre. Sadly, conversation didn’t extend to any other topics though several were attempted.

The second person had started his message with a picture of his absolutely stunning 10 month old puppy. I shared a picture of my equally gorgeous dog and I was so excited to send and receive messages to this man absolutely gushing about both dogs. And then we had no more to say about our dogs and attempted other conversation… all of which stalled and died.

Two bright sparks. Neither of which were cut out to go any further.

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Voices

January 7, 2026

dating, relationships

Something rather lovely happened today and it reminded me of something else. And because I’m trying to keep some of the nice stuff just for me lately, I thought I’d share with you the something else.

Have I told you already how much I love voices? There’s something so intimate about voices. I have a real preference for sexy whispers or low voiced commands or the way pleasure can sometimes change a person’s voice.

But, and I guess this could be slightly weird, I also have a real thing for normal voices talking about normal things. I love it when I’m getting to know someone and they switch it from messaging into voice notes. Love. Listening to someone’s voice in real time? Give me more. Give me all of it. I like hearing the pauses between words, I like the fumbling of words, I like listening to the intonation of words. I like it all.

But I can sometimes like it too much. In a weird way. And that’s what my thing today reminded me of. I absolutely refuse to write a dedicated post about this man though I have mentioned him several times. He was someone I got to know around the time of my separation. He lives in Manchester (with a Manc accent) and …I’d describe our relationship as unhealthy. Toxic even.

We’d be getting on great and then out of nowhere an argument would happen, and I would shut down. He’d say mean things. I would think I deserve to be treated in that way and he’d apologise and I’d take him back. I think I maybe liked this roller coaster of emotion at the time.

Because after one such argument, he sent me a voice message. It’s of him and at first he’s apologising. ‘Sorry for the way I spoke to you just then’ and explains that whatever he’d said to me it was said because he was angry. Angry that I doubt things between us. ‘I’m a caring person, I care about people and I care about you’ and at the time he sent that I loved that voice note so much that I would listen to it over and over. I loved the way his accent shaped the words. I loved the emotion I could hear in it. In a twisted way, I even liked the sentiment behind it.

I loved it so much that I’d masturbate over it. I took his words and I romanticised it. The anger, the strong emotion. That feeling of how do you not know how much I care about you?

I still have the voice message. Not because I still listen to it or have any feelings for him still. I only have it because I delete nothing and it’s just sheer laziness that I still have it. Just to give you an indication of what a great guy he was, he left me a voice message when I’d blocked his number. I listened to it today two years after he sent it. He said ‘blocking my number you fucking cretin’ – who said romance was dead, eh?

I’m glad that I didn’t delete that voice message before. I’ll delete it now though. It served its purpose once and because of it I can see how much I’ve changed. I no longer want that kind of care or affection.

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Insecurity Strikes Again

January 6, 2026

relationships

It’s so tiring when there’s literally always something happening that triggers my feelings of insecurity or jealousy.

I’d like to preface this by saying that things with my on/off person have been fine. I told him that I’d bought him a Christmas gift and he was sweet about it. I still haven’t had a chance to give it to him and I haven’t seen him in months. But I don’t need constant reassurance from him (that’s such a big positive shift!) and we don’t message as much and I’m really okay with that. The lack of messaging doesn’t get to me in the same way that it used to nor does the not seeing each other part.

And yet.

The website that I met him on has both a forum section and a verification system where people can write comments after they’ve met people via the site to say ‘this person is cool’ to let others know they are who they say they are.

When I’m bored at work, I’ll be on the forums more often. Joining in on threads or just lurking. I find it interesting and it’s a good way of learning more about a person. You get a feel for people from what they say or how they say things.

I saw a message on a forum thread from a woman that lives locally to me and I clicked on her profile out of curiosity. And that was it. Insecurity and jealousy spiked to an all time high. Because my on/off person had left this woman a verification.

And it isn’t about her. I’m sure she’s lovely. Her pictures are incredible. The few times I’ve seen her post on the forums she seems nice.

But I hate that I feel this way. This verification was left nearly three years ago, long before he and I even knew each other. He’s allowed to have met other people, to have said nice things about her.

I still read it and had lots of Big Feelings. Jealousy obviously. Insecurity about my own connection with him. Hurt that he’s never left me a verification. Annoyance that the times I’ve asked him if he ever did write a verification for me, what would it say? that he responded with a joke. Anger because I wonder if the reason he doesn’t write one for me is because he’s trying to hide his connection to me. Either from someone he is pursuing or because of some other unkind reason.

I don’t want to continue feeling this way.

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Lay, Lady, Lay by Bob Dylan

January 5, 2026

relationships

Whatever colors you have
In your mind
I’ll show them to you
And you’ll see them shine

I watched A Complete Unknown during my Christmas break. And on the back of watching that film I went down a rabbit hole of listening to a lot of Bob Dylan’s songs. Like, a lot. It wasn’t the first time I’d listened to his music but I do think that it was one of the first times I probably appreciated it.

One song that stuck out for me was Lay, Lady, Lay. More than ten years ago when I was still in contact with the English teacher he mentioned this song to me. He said he was listening to music and when this song came on, he thought of me.

It was because of the lyrics I’ve posted above. Whatever colours you have in your mind. I’ve always been a fairly sensitive person. As a child I remember I used to be told off for it. For feeling things. For picking up on other people’s emotions. For seeing things. But I didn’t remember any of that.

Not until I met the English teacher. And there was something in his acceptance of me that meant that I could open myself up to that sensitivity again. When we would video call I could see what he said in different colours. When I was feeling things from our relationship I’d see things as little visual cartoons. I’d dream in more unusual ways.

I don’t remember everything that happened, but I do remember the feeling of being with him at the time. I felt …open. Creative. Artistic. And I was very much leaning into this wild, carefree, mad artist thing.

So those colours in your mind that Bob Dylan was singing about? They were actual colours that the English teacher was thinking about when he thought about me. And I’d forgotten that until I heard this song again. I forgot the person when I was with him. I feel like every relationship brings out or hides parts of ourselves. And I’m not that open, creative or artistic as I was with him. Not anymore. It’s not a sad thing, it’s just different parts of myself.

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Disorganised Attachment Style

January 2, 2026

relationships

I was on social media over Christmas and I happened to see a random post that the app thought might interest me. It was about disorganised attachment style.

I’ve read an entire book on attachment styles that I read in 2025. I’ve talked a lot with other people about attachment styles. I was pretty confident that I knew my own attachment style… until I saw this post on social media. I don’t even remember what it said, all I remember is that sharp, uncomfortable feeling of truth. I read it and I knew that it was describing me.

I thought I had an anxious attachment style. It makes sense, right? I want and yearn for close connection with others. I need reassurance, I get insecure when connection isn’t stable.

But … I also pull away from friends or lovers after I’ve shared something deeply personal with them. Even though he and I both knew that I did, I avoided telling my ex I loved him because the thought of saying it either out loud or in a message terrified me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’ve truly been worthy of love. I think I look for signs early on when getting to know somebody that means rejection. My ex husband used to say that I had ‘dead eyes’ sometimes when I wouldn’t let him in on things. I was with him for decades and there were still things I never let him know about me.

Disorganised attachment style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I want closeness and intimacy and reassurance … and I’m also terrified of what it means to be close to someone and question love even when I have it.

It’s not an easy fix with this one. I’m going to keep reading about it and practicing ways to work towards healthier connections with others. But I’m at least hoping that being more aware of what I’m doing and the reasons behind things will mean positive change. We’ll see.

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Hard Truths

December 31, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I was planning on making this another series of posts – writing in more detail about some of the things that have happened recently, things I find it hard to say or admit. But then I thought … why not start fresh in 2026?

So instead I’ll tell you the things that I’ve been holding back and maybe I’ll use them as resolutions for 2026? Let’s see how it goes.

I hate it when men try to make me squirt

It feels really obvious when men do this. And I’ve noticed a couple of men that I’ve had sex with in 2025 have a sort of glint in their eye and a sort of manic dedication in one particular area while we’ve been at it. And I’ve never said anything about it. But I should have. I really don’t like the feeling of squirting, it isn’t pleasurable to me, that they’re trying so hard at it just annoys me and it’s sort of off-putting as well. If it’s not for me or my pleasure then why all the hard work?

I should be better at communicating sex preferences and my own wants and needs in 2026.

I lost friends over a conversation about race

And I’m really fucking annoyed about it. It’s been bugging me that I haven’t written anything about it since it happened. But I am annoyed. These friends and I were at the party where my black friend was sexually harassed and fetishised about being black. And after the party, I mentioned it to these friends of mine. Friends who I’d had numerous conversations about how weird and gross other people are about bodies and about race and ethnicity check lists and so on.

I honestly thought they’d get it. Instead, I assume because of some uncomfortable truths that they would rather avoid, they left the group chat, we’ve never spoken again and are no longer friends. I’m still annoyed.

I need better friends in 2026.

I’m not as okay about the hurt and disappointments as I make out I am

I constantly feel like giving up. With sex, with dating, with relationships. It all feels so hard. Tedious, demoralising. This life brings so many big and small rejections. It’s hard sometimes to hold myself together to be mentally strong enough to keep soldiering on through hurt and disappointment.

It’s hard for me to hold onto an idea that I’ll find what I’m looking for. And it’s hard to do that while holding onto an idea that I deserve those things.

I’ll keep working at it.

I feel like at times I’ve been a pick-me girl

You know the scene in Grey’s Anatomy? ‘Pick me, choose me, love me‘ but it’s not just wanting those things. It’s also about wanting male validation at the cost of other women.

And I don’t want to be that girl. I have been that girl. Especially in those times where I’ve been seeing someone who also sees other people and in my thoughts I’ve been unkind or ungenerous about other women especially when I’ve felt overlooked or not chosen. But that stops now.

I need to find a way to get the attention and validation that I need but not at the cost of other women, even if that cost only happened in my thoughts.

I’m not that girl.

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