Baby, Can I Hold You

What It’s Done To Me

August 5, 2026

life

Grief is one of those things that nobody can understand, right?

I didn’t know how I was going to react to my mother’s (sudden, tragic, unexpected) death but I think these early days makes me realise life is too short and not to waste it.

I actually cringed writing that. Because that’s pretty cliche, isn’t it? But I guess it’s a cliche for a reason. And that is how I’m feeling. I’ve started to prioritise things in a way that I hadn’t before. Taking stock of what’s important.

But I’ve also started being more open and honest.

And that’s surprised me. I hadn’t thought I wasn’t open or honest before. But I’m saying and doing things now that I possibly wouldn’t have done before. And I’m going to chalk that one up to my mother.

I had a really blunt conversation about a friend and the situation he’s in. I knew at the start of the conversation that I wouldn’t just not say how I was feeling. And I didn’t shy away from it. Though it felt familiar to do so. Like, my body was used to shying away from saying the direct thing.

Later, I told my ex about the conversation, and was honest about how I felt about it. It was me expressing my gratitude towards him during our relationship but I realised that in saying the nice thing to him that I probably stopped myself from saying the direct things I’ve thought or felt.

I started being more open with him about what I wanted, what I needed. We had a conversation about my porn watching habits, about masturbation. About things that I’d fantasised doing with him. And it all felt so new. My relationship with him hadn’t been one where I have been that open but it felt good. So good that I’ll probably continue.

And not only that, I find myself being freer with my decisions. Choices that might improve my happiness. It makes no matter that those choices have not, in fact, improved my happiness. It only matters that I’m making choices that I feel are right at the time.

And this could be a trauma response. I’m not really sure. But for right now, I’m not mad that this has been the direction my grief has taken.

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At the Edge

August 4, 2026

relationships

Not so long ago I was going through this really awful time. Work was shit and I’d considered handing in my resignation immediately following this thing that had happened.

My mother was dying in hospital and I couldn’t get hold of my brother and I was forced to make lots of hard decisions. Nobody had given me a hug when I’d said things were bad with my mother and I just felt really, incredibly alone in everything I was carrying.

And instead of dealing with those things, I wanted to pick a fight. Probably. I only really realised that’s how I was feeling now as I’m writing this blog post.

But I was dealing with lots of really big feelings and I didn’t know how to deal with any of them so I ended up saying to him that I was struggling with capacity for certain things and could he please meet me? It was about 8:30-9pm. I only wanted to meet him for a few minutes (and said as much) so I could finally give him his Christmas present. I said it’s really important to me to give it to him before his birthday.

But he didn’t meet me. He sent a message to say that he was still working and needed to get some things wrapped up before tomorrow.

And I lost it. Not because he was working or that he wasn’t able to meet me. But mostly because he felt like the one person on this entire planet who could potentially give me a hug. And I knew that if he did come out to meet me if I’d asked him for a hug he’d have given one to me.

I felt like I was at the edge of what I could deal with and I needed that bit of physical contact. I needed that bit of emotional connection with someone else.

In that moment when I got his message I started to cry. And then I got mad. And I deleted him as a friend. And I archived our message thread on Whatsapp and I thought ‘well, fuck you then’ and I honestly, truly believed that would be that.

It wasn’t though. It never is.

We went about a week or ten days without messaging maybe before I finally cracked and asked him if he’d seen the latest about a thing we both follow.

And eventually I sent him a friend request.

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Didn’t Mean Anything By It

August 3, 2026

dating

I met someone recently.

We started messaging ages back. Maybe more than a month? It was fairly regular but not really in depth conversations. I felt like I got enough from him to think it might be nice to meet this person.

There was a misfire at one point where I thought I’d be able to meet him and then I needed to do a thing with my kid and it didn’t work out but he was fine about it and we rescheduled for a time in the next couple of weeks.

I hadn’t really given much thought about the actual day we met. But I’d been on a mini spa day and I arrived with oil in my hair from getting a facial and a massage and when I saw him and sat in a chair opposite I sort of melted into the chair. I felt so relaxed and boneless. It probably wasn’t a great time to meet someone but at least I wasn’t in my own head about stuff.

We stayed chatting in the sunshine for more than an hour and I wrote to a friends group chat afterwards that I’d just met a cute, kind man who made me laugh and everyone was suitably happy for me.

When I got home, we exchanged a few messages, he confirmed he had a great time too, that he’d like to see me again. I thought ‘fantastic!’ and thought things would be smooth sailing from there.

It wasn’t.

I’d sent him a message a couple days after we met and then he didn’t respond to it for a good 6 days despite messaging daily before we met up. I sent him a message pretty much saying sorry, I must have gotten my wires crossed about how well things went when we met up? I guess I would have expected more consistent communication than this and he apologised and said he ‘didn’t mean anything by it’

He did attempt to send more regular messages but I was still annoyed so only responded tersely.

THEN! Then I get a message from someone else on the website we both use. And the message reads something like this:

God, you’re hot. I see you’ve met my friend, he’s sat next to me right now. I would love to meet you as well, we are both sat here very horny with massive cum loads to drain

Let me tell you how disgusting I felt reading that message. That this man would talk about like this to his friend, that he’d be sat with some random man thinking this would be okay for anyone to send me.

I immediately deleted and blocked the friend of this man. And I sent the person I’d met a message to say I honestly can’t understand why he thought that message was appropriate but in the absence of doubt, do not message me ever again.

He wrote back to say his friend ‘didn’t mean anything by it’ and even though I wrote back to remind him in future to be respectful, decent and less of a creep I still felt horrible by the whole experience.

Mostly because I’d felt so hopeful after our coffee date. I was excited by him. Only to be slapped in the face with cum loads.

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Favourite Compliments

July 31, 2026

dating

I’ve had some really interesting compliments recently. Again, I’m playing fast and loose with the word ‘recently’ here.

Some were better than others.

You’re a really good kisser has been a favourite of mine. I like it when it’s said in a tone of almost disbelief. Like, I had no idea you’d be such a good kisser. Get in there with those low expectations is what I say.

You’re a really fast typer is a recent compliment that I’m baffled by. These happen when I’m in a chatroom with my cam on. Apparently I type loud AND fast. Double whammy there.

Going along a similar theme, someone read my profile and said to me You can actually spell and I wanted to fall over laughing. The bar? It’s in hell.

You have such good taste in music might my favourite compliment of recent times (it wasn’t that recent!). I was driving him to the train station after spending time in a hotel room together when In the Midnight Hour by Wilson Pickett came on my playlist. Every time I hear that song, I think of him and that compliment.

And it still makes me smile.

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Details

July 30, 2026

relationships

I said to a friend recently that sometimes I write these blog posts partly to be able to process my thoughts and feelings about things that have happened but partly to remember what happened. Sometimes the details of things just fly out of my head.

I saw on social media, you might have seen it too? A video where someone had gotten 20 random strangers together and paired them off to kiss. It was so magical to watch. There was something so captivating about their awkwardness, that some of them used humour to diffuse the situation, watching them touch each other, look into each other’s eyes and then kiss. The first day I came across that video I watched it several times in a row, and then if I came across it again in the next few days I’d watch it again.

I sent the video to my ex, to him, to other friends. It felt like a video that needed sharing. It was so beautiful to watch.

And somehow on the back of it I realised that I couldn’t remember what my first ‘proper’ kiss was with him. I remember our first kiss after we met that first time. Close mouthed and rushed and left me wanting something a bit different.

But (and was it because I didn’t write about it?) I don’t recall what our first real kiss was like. I have an idea in my head based on kisses I do remember that it was probably a bit like me throwing my entire body at him and devouring his mouth with mine. But it was killing me to not know for sure.

So I asked him. We talked about it. I don’t know if he remembered and just didn’t want to let on that he remembered after I’d told him I didn’t remember it at all. But what was lovely is that we talked all around that second date where we met up and had this kiss. I told him all of the things I was thinking, the things I remembered he had said or that I had said.

I even went for a walk that same day wearing the same dress I wore that day and the same shoes. Hoping, I guess, that by cosplaying the event I might remember more about it. But I didn’t. Some things just aren’t for remembering. And that’s one of them.

It was fun trying though. To relieve the memories I did have. Looking back at myself from two years ago. Thinking about how different she was to the me of now. How I still so badly want to kiss him after all this time.

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Really Very Judgey

July 29, 2026

dating, sex

Does this make me a terrible person? I’m really keen to hear other people’s perspectives.

Recently (and I’m being very, very loose with the word ‘recently’ here!) two separate people (who I have previously had sex with) had each said that two particular people were either a previous sexual partner or were a potential sexual partner.

And when I heard both people say who those people were it immediately gave me the ick and I no longer held a sexual attraction to either of them.

Is that terrible?

I feel like it is terrible. Because I’m judging both by my own experiences and perspective. Partly because it isn’t necessarily because either of those people is physically unattractive or that their personality is lacking (though, in the spirit of full honesty, I do feel one is really physically unattractive and the other is really lacking in personality!). It’s more to do with I think both individuals have displayed such low standards that they’ve overlooked these physical or personality attributes.

And I’m mostly writing this post because I feel so cringe about it. I’m embarrassed that I’m really very judgey about this. I can feel it in my bones that I’m being a terrible person about it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that! And I don’t know what conversations are being held in private. Why do I have such strong opinions about it?

But they are very strong opinions. And I can’t change how I feel.

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Park Runner?

July 28, 2026

dating

It had been awhile since I had seen or spoken to him but when he sent a message that read ‘I see you like to run, are you a park runner?’ I wanted to die.

I had had sex with this man just two years ago. My profile still sounded like me, the pictures still looked like me. When I got his message I thought oh my god, he doesn’t remember me.

Was I really not memorable enough to stay lodged and this man’s brain? Really? And then I gave it more thought and remembered that I hadn’t enjoyed the sexual experience that much and yet I still couldn’t shake this feeling of annoyance and anger. I made some comment in response, perhaps something like ‘are you being serious right now?’ and for whatever reason that kicked his brain into gear and he remembered me.

Or at least he pretended to. He wrote back to me ‘Haha, of course I’m not being serious!’ but I didn’t believe him.

He was a definite regret of mine. And seeing his name on my screen all over again made me cringe at past me. How did he get through my internal filters? How had I looked past the red flags that seem so obvious now.

Or am I meant to give myself grace for still being new to picking up the cues, that I can’t judge myself too harshly for past decisions made with the tools I had at the time?

In any case, he asked if we could pick up where we left off and if I wanted to meet up again sometime.

I politely declined. And when he was surprised and wanted to know my reasons for saying ‘no’ I deleted the message thread. So at least I’ve learned from some mistakes.

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I’m Still Here if A little Heart Hurt

July 27, 2026

relationships

I haven’t felt like updating this blog in awhile. You might have noticed.

It was a combination of a lot of things. A sinking depression about the state of my love life was the first thing. Work piling on the stress and bullshit. This thing with my car had a new little wrinkle to the drama of it. My mother died.

And somewhere in all of that, I didn’t quite feel like scraping across my thoughts on what does this text mean? or the back and forth saga of me and him. I’m not sure if I’m quite in the headspace yet for writing even now but something happened and it was the first thing that made me really think ‘I’ll write about that’

And usually when I think that it’s because I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand it more. I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand myself more.

I have a list that I keep on my phone called ‘Blog Post Ideas’ which I haven’t updated in more than a month. There’s currently 13 ideas listed there but one of them said ‘I miss him – cried over him today’

And I guess that’s what I wanted to write about today.

Because that happened. Probably a month ago, maybe longer as it’s more in the middle of the list and more recent ideas came later than that. Of course I didn’t write any other detail. At the time I figured ‘cried over him today’ was as much detail as I needed so I can’t even begin to wonder what made me cry over him.

But I know what happened this past week that made my heart hurt enough that I pressed my hand to my chest and had to take a couple of really deep breaths to breath through the sting of it all.

He forgot my birthday.

I give him grace more than anybody ever. So when he didn’t message on my birthday itself I remembered a previous year when he thought my birthday was the day after so I told myself he’ll remember, it’ll just be a day late.

And then the next day passed. And even though I didn’t want to, I sent him a message. My message wasn’t specifically about my birthday but it was deliberately sent to prompt him to recall that I am still here. And that it was my birthday.

And he responded and made no mention of it.

And it’s fine. He isn’t required to remember my birthday. He has a full life and other things more important on his mind.

But I did have a little cry this morning about it when his message did come in. Only a little one. Because it’s just another reminder of how far away we are from each other. I’m not the first thing on his mind, he’s not the first thing on mine. And that’s how it should be. I’m just a little sad about it.

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My Worst Fear

June 17, 2026

relationships

I’ve been really stressed lately. I only just realised when I started writing this post that once before I was really stressed and what I ended up doing was going into an old school chatroom. To let the words wash over me, to distract myself from the stressful thing in my life. And on the back of going to that chatroom I met people that were important to me.

That isn’t what I was going to write about today, but that is interesting. I’m going through a stressful time right now, and probably because of it, I’ve been going more into the chatroom connected to the website I use where I met him.

And this thing happened a few weeks ago.

I was in this room, and I was using the cams. And I saw his name added to the list of people in the room. And I started smiling thinking of the previous times he and I have been in the same chatroom together, the messages he sent me. The time I laughed at the thing he messaged me. It was nice.

That didn’t happen though.

He came in and out of the chatroom for more than an hour. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t click to view my cam. Obviously I can’t see if he clicked on anyone else’s cam but he seemed to leave when the other woman on cam switched off her cam and left.

And I was in a state over it.

It felt like my worst fear. That he only ever meets me or messages me when there are no other better options.

And I hate feeling like that. I decided in that moment that I would archive our message thread on Whatsapp. And that I wouldn’t message him again until he messaged first.

I’ve said that to myself before.

But this time I had that awful feeling that still lingered on me. The disrespect of it, the horrible way I felt about him not acknowledging me, that he didn’t message me. I was not under any illusion that he hadn’t seen me there. If I knew he was in the room, he knew I was in the room.

So that was it. A line drawn.

Eventually, he did message me. I don’t remember what he said. Something fairly casual and inoffensive. Hi, how are you? perhaps. And when I saw he’d messaged me (hours after he sent the message because it was in my archived folder), I did consider my options.

Deleting it. Ignoring him. Responding as if nothing happened.

But in the end I said oh, hi. And then immediately said I actually came across you the other day? We were both in the chatrooms for well over an hour at the same time…?

And we talked about it. I said it hurt my feelings. That he didn’t acknowledge my presence, that he didn’t say anything. And I was proud of myself for not letting it go. He apologised and even though it didn’t feel like enough, it felt like enough for right then. And our conversation continued.

We weren’t in the same chatroom again for several weeks. But when we were, he said in the main chat ‘Nice dress, Em’ and I couldn’t stop smiling for the next half hour.

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Wedding Songs

June 12, 2026

relationships

I don’t usually think about my wedding. Or which songs featured in either the wedding ceremony or the video that was created.

But the other day, I did happen to hear one of the songs that featured in my wedding and it made me think. And remember.

My ex husband had some strong thoughts about what our ‘first dance’ song should be. What it shouldn’t be. What music should be played at the reception. What music should be played during the intro to our wedding video. At one point he said I should choose a song for the video that made me think of him.

And I panicked. It wasn’t that I didn’t have music that made me think of him, I just wasn’t old enough to feel confident in my decisions. I wasn’t sure of myself and my own taste in music to make that decision. I didn’t think much about it at the time and I told him a song that I thought he’d like. And I remember he had this look on his face like I’d disappointed him.

But if I really stop and think about it, he disappointed me too. I was too young for it. I think he was too young for it too but he’d had 6 more years to figure himself out and what he wanted, who he was. And I didn’t have that time.

I think it’s these little things that strike me now as so important. That I didn’t know myself enough to know which songs represent me, him, us well enough really means that I wasn’t ready to get married.

I listen to that song now and it doesn’t make me think of my ex-husband at all. It makes me think of baby-me, making big adult decisions. Scared and alone and unsure of herself. I wish I’d looked out for her better.

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