Baby, Can I Hold You

Changing My Mind

May 15, 2026

dating

I have this friend. We had an interesting start, had sex, then something happened that made me feel on shaky ground and so I told him that because of that thing that happened that I’d prefer to be just friends.

That was, I don’t know? 5 or 6 months ago. And he took it really well when I told him. Obviously he apologised for the thing but he’s never pushed that boundary that I set. We are good friends, sometimes when I’ve written a post on here and mention that I was talking to a friend about something it’s a 50/50 chance it’s him (the other person is my ex). And it’s nice. I like that even though we’ve had sex before, that it hasn’t stopped us from being friends moving forward.

Anyway, my friend was at this thing recently. And all this time I have genuinely thought of him as my friend. And then I saw him at this event and I just felt really happy to see him. It’s easy being around him. He was the person looking out for me when the creepy stalker guy kept walking near me. It happened once where the guy came and stood in the group of people I was with and I panicked and I stepped behind my friend. And someone else in the group saw that and said to me ‘what are you doing, come stand over here’ and instead of having me explain, my friend said firmly said ‘no’ to her. And I liked that.

I liked that he’d wander off to go socialise and mingle with others but he’d circle around, catch my eye and ask if I’m doing okay. He brought me water without asking. And when I got a bag of sweets and found there was Haribo in it that I didn’t like, I took his instead. And in that exact moment I thought … holy shit, I’ve got a crush on my friend.

On the train home I started piecing together my thoughts of that evening and about him and I thought …over the last few months I’ve really changed my priorities when it comes to people in my life. I value consistency. And good communication. Someone who pays attention to me, values my thoughts and feelings and opinions, kindness.

And as I was eating the sweets I stole from him I realised that he fits all of those things. So why are we just friends?

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Return of the stalker

May 14, 2026

life

Remember me mentioning my ‘stalker’ in a previous post about a social event at a sex club? Well, he’s at it again. He attended the social event I was recently at.

Luckily, I met a friend there who knew that I was absolutely desperate to avoid this person the entire evening. So whenever I saw him coming close, I’d walk around my friend so he was in the line of sight of this creepy guy instead of me. Or he’d step in front of me. It was actually really nice, just felt like a relief that I didn’t have to deal with him on my own.

He didn’t actually say anything to me that night. I’m not even sure if he knows who I am or recognises me away from my persona online. But I don’t care. The man makes me deeply uncomfortable and I will do anything to not have to converse with him or be in his company. I definitely won’t pretend that I’m enjoying his company or his conversation.

At one point in the evening, I was standing in a group of people and I saw this guy walking towards us so I stepped behind this tall man I was standing next to to avoid him. And I saw as he walked past a woman and though he had plenty of space to walk by her, he touched her (bare) shoulder and said ‘oh, excuse me’ but as conversation continued as he walked past, the woman he touched and I both knew that he it was utterly unnecessary to touch her, that he had just used walking past her as an excuse to put his paws on her.

So I told them about my experiences with my stalker. How he made me uncomfortable, how he’d lunged at me in the dark room. The woman I was talking with understood me immediately. And there was another man with us who said something along the lines of ‘I was talking to him earlier, I had no idea he was such a creep’ and that’s the thing, isn’t it? He isn’t likely to show off his creepiness to other men. It’s only to women that he feels he has that right to touch us, to makes us feel uncomfortable, to encroach on boundaries, to think those things like consent don’t apply to him.

It was nice to see that this person that I hadn’t met before that night just understood and accepted that this was my experience. It was the experience of the woman we were both talking to. It was the experience of women everywhere. All of us. He apologised to me for all of the horrible men and he seemed genuinely horrified by it. And even though it is awful to have to continually be on guard and constantly vibe check men for safety concerns, for anything that feels not right, there are at still plenty of men out there that are still decent.

That will tell the hosts that there’s someone invited that makes women uncomfortable. That will look out for you so you can relax and enjoy the party, that will step in front of you to hide you from his sight. That will warn others about him and doesn’t leave it to me to tell people, to rehash the story.

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Amazing Women

May 13, 2026

life

I put my name down awhile back to attend this social event by one of my favourite people. She gathers together the very best group of people and other than it being an actual delight to be in her company, it’s always pretty great to be surrounded by a bunch of other cool people.

I’ve been to this thing once before and because it’s semi-regular, I had intended to go earlier in the year but had to cancel for personal reasons. Again, when she announced this event I was so excited to put my name down and to see everyone. …but by the time it actually came around, I wasn’t really feeling it. On the day of, I did actually think about messaging her with some bullshit excuse about why I couldn’t make it again. It’s part of this ‘rut’ I think I’m in. No energy for things like socialising.

But in the end I decided to go. And I really had a great time. And it really inspired me too. I’ve got a whole string of posts coming up about different aspects of it.

But for this first post, I feel like my heart is just ridiculously full and grateful for the amount of awesome women I’ve met during this whole foray into casual sex and dating. The organiser of this event? I love her. She’s a ray of sunshine and she impresses me often for her positivity, how she knows everyone, how she brings people together and how gets people talking, even utter strangers. She’s a treat.

But when I got there, after saying hello to her, there was just a stream of amazing women that I said hello to. There was a single woman who had reached out to be party buddies together who absolutely bounded over with a smile and a hug. There was a quieter woman who felt just on that edge of socially awkward that still pushed herself to carry her half of the conversation. Women who I’d met at previous events that remembered my name, that were happy to see me.

There was the woman in a couple who told me that because we’d met at their first event and had talked for awhile that I ‘made’ that first event special so they have a soft spot for me. She’s sexy as hell so I’ll take that. There were women there that I met who I have in group chats that have been lovely and supportive and who I loved being able to meet in person.

I feel like so much of my blog is about men. That I’m getting to know, that I’m going on dates with, that I’m having sex with. Men that I’ve met where it hasn’t worked out. But I don’t talk enough about the amazing friendships I’ve made with women. And going to this social event just reminded me how wonderful it feels to be part of this circle of amazing women.

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Am I In A Rut?

May 12, 2026

dating

I’ve been wondering lately if I’m in a rut. It’s felt like too much work, too much energy to do certain things.

A lot of that is has been down to a lack of interest in responding to messages I receive. There’s a lack of interest in search out profiles that I think might look interesting. There’s a lack of interest in attending events locally where I could be meeting new people.

I think back on that awful date I went on with the couple recently where I asked no questions. I don’t want to be that shit date again.

But it mostly comes down to … I don’t have the energy to be fully engaged in dating, having sex or looking for relationships.

Part of that, I’m sure, is down to the major life stressors I have at the moment. I hate my job. I get the Sunday dreads. I’ve been looking for a new job for forever and I’m not getting anywhere which is both frustrating and disheartening. My ongoing issue with my car which might be coming to an end soon, but we’ll see. After 5 months of hassle surely it can’t just be all over. Not without more drama?

Things at home have been high stress lately too. There’s mess everywhere. There’s uncertainty. There’s passive-aggressive behaviour. It’s just not very nice.

So it makes sense that I’m feeling this way. I should really take a step back. Give myself a breather. Then when I feel more up to it, get back out there. Will I do that though? No, probably not. I’m rushing headfirst into some bad decisions…

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Pattern Recognition

May 11, 2026

dating

This thing happened recently and with it, I realised that I spotted a bit of a trend that could be a change maker for me.

There was a man that messaged me a few weeks ago. He sent a message that was one single sentence but it was the type of thing that I would respond to – not just ‘how are you?’ or something boring. It was intriguing, exciting almost.

And he and I messaged fairly intensely for a few days. Always the same thing. This man would say just enough to get me hooked. It was tantalising. And I responded to him in a way like every time he’d throw out something intriguing I’d want to know more. But he always giving me thing in very small doses. And being inconsistent with messaging.

It started to get to where I felt this emotional high every time I saw he’d message. And then when I logged in and saw he hadn’t I’d think something like ‘what about me isn’t enough to keep his attention?’ but like I didn’t realise this was happening until after. I was stuck on this high and low where his attention was either validating or invalidating my worth.

Things changed when he said something suggestive but vague and something about what he’d said finally set off a red flag for me. I told him that I’ve struggled in the past with people who weren’t consistent or weren’t straightforward in what they wanted. The man acknowledged what I said but remained vague.

Then he said something else suggestive and I called him on it. He said something like he’s keeping vague because he knows I’m good conversation but without seeing my face, my eyes specifically he doesn’t know if he’s truly attracted to me. (I knew I wanted him to be attracted to me!) but at that point I thought … what am I doing here? Why am I chasing this man for his attention?

He’s not giving me what I want and I deserve more than someone’s breadcrumbs. So I decided this is no longer serving me. I don’t want my interactions with others to follow a similar pattern. I don’t want these extreme highs and lows. And separately, I’m working on validating myself.

I’ve decided on a couple of non-negotiable things moving forward. And they’re really simple. Consistency and clarity.

If someone doesn’t offer me both of those things they can get in the bin.

I deleted the message thread from this man and I haven’t looked back.

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Third Time Lucky

May 6, 2026

dating

I’ve written before that I’d been meeting up with some couples lately. The first two weren’t that successful, but the third? The third was so worth it.

It feels rare lately that I feel so connected to someone else. It was him in the couple that messaged me but it never really felt like I was talking to just him. He’d always include her in any answers or bring up what she was doing on the weekend or whatever else. I don’t think it’s easy for couples to maintain their individuality AND present as a couple. But he manages it really well.

Also, they are just a really cool couple. During messaging we’d touched on topics like our dogs, a particular type of film we all enjoy, the books we like reading. There was definitely enough there that when he asked if I was free to come over to theirs the next week, I said ‘yes’ straightaway. Even going to their place and not meeting in a neutral cafe or pub didn’t strike me as overly strange.

I maybe didn”t get to know the other two couples well enough before we got to the meeting face to face stage, but I feel like I got there with these two. The moment I walked in I already felt comfortable. And he took my awkward babble well enough. And when she came downstairs, even though she and I hadn’t technically messaged at all, I found it quite chatting with her too. And chatting to both of them was ridiculously easy too. If ever he knew more about something because I’d mentioned it in a message, he’d quickly fill her in so we were all on the same page. They were both really interested in what I had to say. Questions were being thrown on all sides and I quickly started thinking ‘god, I hope they’re both into me’

When they asked me over to their place I did actually think it was a …come over to ours for a social wink wink sort of situation. That maybe we’d chat and laugh until we all felt comfortable and then maybe the clothes would start coming off. But it didn’t happen that way. We all chatted for hours and hours. I stayed way longer than I’d intended and way longer than I would have for ‘just’ a social. But I had so much fun with them. Everything just flowed nicely into other areas to talk about and it was also just really great that we were aligned on the important stuff.

They did say towards the end of the evening that they were attracted to me but they said it in a way that was like, here’s where we’re at, if you’re in the same place then let us know. To like, save me from being put under pressure while in their home, in their space. I thought it was thoughtful and lovely of them.

But now that I know that we did all fancy each other? I do have a little thought in the back of my brain that says why didn’t something happen?

I think that’s just my impatience talking. We’re currently trying to arrange for the next time I can come around. And there will be more nudity and touching. I’m very much looking forward to it!

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For Him

May 5, 2026

relationships

What did you really think of me when we first met?

When I pointed at which car was mine and you said ‘oh nice’ what did that actually mean?

Did you give me that horrible closed mouth kiss when we first met because you weren’t that interested? or because you were trying to be respectful?

Do you think things would have been different if I didn’t have to leave right away that time we met at Waterstones?

Did you notice that you changed, that you stopped being so open with me after a certain point? I always thought it was because of work and whatever stress you had going on in your life but I guess that was me making assumptions and I never really asked you?

Were you really never jealous at all when I met other people? Not even once? You said you never were but I guess I was hoping that wasn’t always accurate?

How did you feel when I told you I had feelings for you? I know what you said, but how did you feel about it?

Why didn’t things just end then? Did you think it maybe should have? Did you ever consider how it made me feel when you told me you didn’t feel the same way?

Do you care about me at all?

Do you think that maybe some of what you do feel for me is closer to having feelings? Or is it 100% accurate that you really just don’t feel anything for me at all?

I hated that you acted so jealous when she met someone else instead of you, did you know that?

Why do you remember things I tell you?

Is work just a handy excuse for you? Because I’m fairly sure anyone could respond or at least not leave someone on read as many times as you have to me and still maintain busy, pressurised work?

Why did you drive to my house that time? and take your work call a minute from my house?

That time I thought I had cancer and you were really sweet and kept checking in, that was less about me and more about past trauma in your own life, wasn’t it?

Do you think about me at all when we’re not messaging?

What did you think when you read my blog? or when you read the poems I wrote about you? or the story I wrote?

Has this all been because you think I’m too much? or that I feel too much?

Why do you look at my profile?

Why do you remember who I’ve met?

Why have you really never writtten me a verification?

Are you embarrassed or ashamed about knowing me? of having a sexual relationship with me?

Do you think that if you left me a verification that it might hurt your chances with other women that you are actually interested in?

What did you think when I told you I’d gotten you a Christmas gift?

Why have you been so weird about not accepting it?

Did you tell me that maybe sometime we could meet up socially for a coffee or to go for a walk or whatever just because that’s what I wanted? Or was it true? And you actually wanted to do those things?

Why have you never told me where you lived? Or invited me to your place? Do you really not trust me that much?

Did you feel anything when I said things had to end?

Do you know how much it hurt me that you were talking about ‘putting yourself out there’ with other people when we’d literally just ended because you never put in the effort with me?

Are you only being polite when I’ve messaged you because you don’t know how to tell me what you want?

Why do you not know what you want?

Why have you never asked yourself that?

Why do I think answers to any of these questions would help?

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I’m Angry

May 1, 2026

relationships

I’ve realised something. And what I’ve realised is that I’m really angry.

Because of the way I was raised, I find it difficult to recognise or become angry. And that anger is usually a sign that I’m protecting myself, giving myself more boundaries. So I’ve also liked my (recent) anger.

But sometimes I don’t understand what exactly I’m angry about. Because it wasn’t something I did until recently I’m still trying to figure out more about it. And in this instance, it’s taken me quite some time to work out what exactly has gotten me so riled up.

But I’ve got it now.

I know that my on/off person is quite clearly a topic that I return to again and again. And that is true with conversation with friends and people that know me. I get a lot out of talking through my problems or my emotions on any particular topic. I enjoy the process of understanding myself or a situation better through discussing things with others.

But I’ve realised that what’s gotten me so riled up lately is that I’m angry with those around me that don’t listen or centre my feelings when I’m talking about him. I’ll bring up something and they’ll use their own judgement or personal experiences to tell me what they think I should do about him or about that relationship.

And it pisses me off.

There’s probably only been one person, maybe ever, that’s listened to me talk about him and put my feelings first. Or asked me what I want to do about it, or how I feel about things. With everyone else it just feels like people are just waiting for me to stop speaking before jumping in with ‘you should do this’ or ‘you should definitely not do this’ and it feels suffocating.

It’s taken me awhile for me to realise but I think it’s been harming my friendships for quite some time. I feel like I can’t discuss things openly, I feel like they’ll judge me for how I feel or what I do about things.

And I don’t need that in my life. I don’t want or need people who will only support me if I do what they suggest. Or when I do what I want to do and get hurt (again) they’ll think ‘see? told you so’

I’m a big girl. I know myself. And I know that sometimes my decision making around him is questionable. And I know that I get hurt by things. But why can’t other people accept that I’m doing what I can and that it’s me taking that risk and nobody else?

Am I wrong?

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Masturbation Habits

April 30, 2026

sex

It’s been awhile since I overshared about my masturbation habits, hasn’t it? Here we go.

I forgot to update this blog with a change in my circumstances in this area! The last I’d mentioned, I was having a type of sexual dysfunction in that for a solid two years (it was technically longer than two years! for a relationship that lasted for 14 months) I was unable to orgasm through masturbation. This was following the end of my relationship with my ex. Two years! That is a ridiculous amount of time to not be able to pleasure myself.

But two and a bit years later … I managed it. At first the orgasms were so little and barely pleasurable that I continued to doubt that they’d even happened. And then when the orgasms got bigger, more noticeable I kept thinking that it all might just be temporary. I don’t want to tell anyone just yet.

I told my on/off person though. I think I actually sent him a voice note, my voice sharing in this excitement and sort of wonder and surprise that I’d finally done it. I wasn’t broken anymore.

It happened again. And again. And again. Until I could finally believe completely that it was real. That whatever mental or emotional block that had been in place had gone and I could finally reconnect to my own body. It was glorious. I remember one day where I managed three separate orgasms and I laid in my bed tired but pleased. Sated.

But it was short-lived. I don’t think there was any connection with this orgasm thing and me ending things with my on/off person. But a couple of weeks after, things did end. And I didn’t think much about it. Like I said, I hadn’t thought there was a reason that the two could be linked. After things ended, I hadn’t wanted to masturbate anyway. Then I got my period and when that finished it took me awhile to get back to a place where I fancied masturbating.

But then I did. Once. A couple of times. And I knew I still felt sad. I knew it wasn’t a ‘let me masturbate because I’m in the mood and could do with a release’ it was more of a ‘let me masturbate because I feel miserable and I’m desperate to feel good again, even momentarily’ and I tried … and I cried one of the times. The other two times I mostly just gave up. I know my body well enough to know when I’m fighting a losing battle.

I gave myself some grace after that. And when I thought I’m doing this because I want it and not to fill some gaping emotional hole, I tried it again.

And do you know what happened? I did cry that time too. But I cried after I had the orgasm. And as tears were leaking down my face I thought ending things with him was the right thing to do. I’m sad that someone I built a connection with over the last few years is over. But I’m not sad enough to let it interfere with my pleasure. Not this time.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And my orgasm to masturbation ratio isn’t completely consistent but I put that down to my mood. And I know that it will be temporary.

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Meeting Them

April 29, 2026

dating

Yesterday’s post about meeting a couple at a sex club was inadvertently the first of three posts about meeting couples. Again, in a realisation through speaking with a friend, I guessed that I was looking into meeting couples lately because they would provide that feeling sexy and desired thing but also, if I had sex with them it would be harder to compare it to my on/off person.

Not long after I met the couple at the sex club, I met another couple. We had been messaging for a short while. It was me messaging with the man in the couple. But I liked the pictures on their profile of both of them. I liked the playful nature of our message thread. I thought it could be fun to meet them so even though it was probably sooner than I’d normally meet someone, I said ‘yes’ when they suggested coffee.

After the date, I can see now that I wasn’t ready for this date. It actually pains me to think of it.

I’ll give you an example. She said something about him that essentially was ‘that’s a bit like you, being (European nationality)’ and at that point I could hear that he had an accent. And I didn’t ask about it.

She was saying something about a hobby she enjoyed doing. And I didn’t ask anything about it.

Later, after this date, I would tell a friend that it sounded at times like they were interviewing me. Having questions being one-sided sure does sound like an interview. Where was I in this date? Because I wasn’t there at this table with these people. Who were lovely and interesting and funny.

It could be that I had disengaged with something that had happened before? But I don’t think so. I was just a really shit date. Not good company, not good conversation.

It’s no wonder that they messaged me afterwards to say it was lovely meeting me but they couldn’t see it going any further. No kidding.

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