Baby, Can I Hold You

Meeting Them

April 29, 2026

dating

Yesterday’s post about meeting a couple at a sex club was inadvertently the first of three posts about meeting couples. Again, in a realisation through speaking with a friend, I guessed that I was looking into meeting couples lately because they would provide that feeling sexy and desired thing but also, if I had sex with them it would be harder to compare it to my on/off person.

Not long after I met the couple at the sex club, I met another couple. We had been messaging for a short while. It was me messaging with the man in the couple. But I liked the pictures on their profile of both of them. I liked the playful nature of our message thread. I thought it could be fun to meet them so even though it was probably sooner than I’d normally meet someone, I said ‘yes’ when they suggested coffee.

After the date, I can see now that I wasn’t ready for this date. It actually pains me to think of it.

I’ll give you an example. She said something about him that essentially was ‘that’s a bit like you, being (European nationality)’ and at that point I could hear that he had an accent. And I didn’t ask about it.

She was saying something about a hobby she enjoyed doing. And I didn’t ask anything about it.

Later, after this date, I would tell a friend that it sounded at times like they were interviewing me. Having questions being one-sided sure does sound like an interview. Where was I in this date? Because I wasn’t there at this table with these people. Who were lovely and interesting and funny.

It could be that I had disengaged with something that had happened before? But I don’t think so. I was just a really shit date. Not good company, not good conversation.

It’s no wonder that they messaged me afterwards to say it was lovely meeting me but they couldn’t see it going any further. No kidding.

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What am I doing?

April 28, 2026

dating

Have you ever gotten to that point in your life where you just thought, what am I doing?

I did recently. I was talking to a friend awhile back and I ended up saying that I know why I’m doing certain things. I feel this want/need to be sexy/desired/chosen so I’m putting myself out there a bit more to chase that feeling. With mixed results, I’d say.

There’s a sex club local to me that I’ve been to before. They do parties every month to get people in and socialising with each other. And I’ve been to this particular party once before. But it was when I knew a few people going so it didn’t feel like I was going on my own. But the other week when I went? It was definitely on my own.

I managed to pluck up enough courage to get ready, drive there, and walk through the front doors. But as soon as I did my first thought was ‘what am I doing?’ I looked around and there wasn’t a single person there that I wanted to converse with. Most of the people there looked about 20-30 years older than me. I managed to fit a table to sit at on my own and tried doing some deep breaths to keep me at this place longer because my first instinct was to get up and walk straight back to my car.

And the night didn’t get any better.

A nice looking couple came over to speak to me. She must have been really bricking it because she was so overdressed that I can’t imagine she wasn’t feeling anything other than uncomfortable in her formal dress. They were interesting to talk to but it felt like they were both so on edge that they needed to be in constant movement otherwise they’d both chicken out on being there so they hopped to the next person to chat with.

After they left, I looked around and spotted a couple that I had been messaging for a bit before that night. We’d said that we’d see each other there and he had told me ‘he’d make sure I had a good time’ so I wasn’t sure what the evening might have in store for me. I was excited to go over and say ‘hello’ but that was quickly dashed when it was clear that she was more interested in speaking to another couple they had met at a previous event. And her and the other woman ended up whispering in each other’s ear for the next few hours. Meanwhile, he made awkward conversation with me. And it was nice enough but it felt half-hearted. And I mostly sat there thinking god, I feel like a fifth wheel to these two couples.

I was definitely questioning even being there that night. It was getting really hot in the bar area, and crowded with other people. I spoke to a couple of other people but not meaningfully. Once the rest of the sex club opened up I did wander around a bit. Spoke to an energetic young couple in the pool (he offered to carry me down the length of the pool?) but they were way too high-energy for me.

I saw the other two couples I’d spent most of the evening with in the pool and hot tub but seeing them together just made me feel extra sad. Everyone there was so together in a way that really made me lonely. I really don’t love that feeling. So I got up and left.

I don’t think my heart was in that much anyway. I could feel myself not asking questions of others, not being fully present in any of the moments, and certainly engaged by anything. I was there but not really there. And I guess I don’t know how to bring myself back except maybe with time?

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On a Him Diet

April 27, 2026

relationships

I’ve been reading up about it a little bit. Trying to find some good advice about how to move on. And I’ve read a lot of things that make me fairly convinced that what I’m actually feeling is an addiction to the highs and lows of his inconsistency. And what’s worse, the highs and lows aren’t the sex (highs) or the lack of communication (lows) – but me thinking I’m worthy/enough/sexy/desirable when he messages me (highs) and thinking I’m not those things when he doesn’t message me (lows).

With that in mind, I said to someone recently that I’m on a diet from him.

I’m trying to stop checking my phone for notifications from him. I’m trying to stop checking when he’s been online last. My worth is not tied to how often he messages me. And I’m trying to believe that during periods of lows.

When we were still messaging, I tried to wait as long as possible before responding to him instead of sending an instant reply. I was trying then and I’m still not sending the first message. I’m not ruling out ever messaging him again, I just need a break for right now. To give myself this time to breathe. At the time of writing, it has been 11 days since we messaged. I think that might be the longest we’ve ever gone. Usually down to me. And it’s helping.

Having written all that, I can tell you that I’ve been shit at this stupid diet. I often post music lyrics in status updates on the website we use. He’s brought it up in the status updates in the past and we’d talk about music. And I realised over the last two weeks, I’ve been posting more lyrics in the secret hope that it would lead to success in that same area. But, what probably didn’t help is that the music I’ve been relating to more lately has been of heartbreak, of loss, of missing someone. So that’s probably not a likely topic for him to want to discuss!

I think progress is in baby steps for me. I need time and I need to keep exercising this muscle. The one that helps control my need for my next fix for him and also the one that reminds me that I’m fucking great all on my own.

I’ll get there.

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Massive Wound

April 23, 2026

relationships

I was talking to a friend the other day. I was telling him about some of my upcoming plans. And I ended up realising a sort of truth as I was talking to him.

And I realised as I was writing that this whole thing with my on/off person has left me with this massive wound. And I don’t know how to deal with it. So instead of addressing it, instead of really sitting with my feelings about it, I’ve been trying to avoid it. By making plans.

I thought that what I wanted was to cram my life with plans, with something sexy and distracting. I said that in the face of hurt and pain and rejection of that situation ending that what I wanted was to feel sexy again, to feel desired. To be chosen. I wanted a reminder that I can have those things again.

But even as I was typing out those messages I knew that it also felt like it was just a bit of gauze in the hopes of staunching some of the bleeding. Making plans doesn’t stop me from crying myself to sleep, it doesn’t stop me from missing him. From checking how long it’s been since he’s been online.

I think that my biggest problem is that in my head I created a version of the future in which I thought that when I moved out that maybe things would be different between me and him. That without the barrier of availability or whatever that stopped us from seeing each other more often now that whatever was between us would eventually evolve into something else.

But I know that that was just a one-sided fantasy. Or maybe not. I think he played a part in me building this (now incredibly painful) vision. I told him once that I wanted us to meet socially. To go for dog walks. Or to meet for a coffee. I told him that I wanted to spend time together with our clothes on. And he gave me the impression that that was possible. Eventually. When things with his work changed. Or whatever.

It doesn’t matter now. None of it was real. But I guess it has helped me to realise that I’m taking this all so badly because I’m grieving this stupid version of the future that I created in my head. That will never happen. That never existed. That never really ever contained a shred of reality. So in part I just feel a little bit stupid about the whole thing.

Stupid and sad and in pain.

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Healthier Choices

April 22, 2026

life

I’ve mentioned it before but I’m trying to prioritise myself lately. In my habits, in my surroundings. One of the things I’ve done is make healthier choices.

I’ve added fiber to my diet by making some small changes. (Minor aside, I told my ex husband that by adding fiber to my diet I’ve lost half a stone over the last few months and his response was ‘you’re so obsessive about calorie counting and all of that’ which baffled me because I’ve never calorie counted in my life and the only other time I was ‘obsessive’ was during lockdown when I lost 50lbs through diet and exercise!)

I’m drinking more water. I’m getting up and moving more during the day. I’ve started this walking thing most days. I want to add some resistance or strength training into my routine but I’m pacing myself so that it becomes a regular habit rather than something I do and burn out really quickly.

I keep being surprised by my feelings. Which mostly centre around …’it’s so surprising how much better I feel about myself when I prioritise myself’ With each thing that I’m doing I start to think ‘It’s important to do this. I deserve to treat myself well’

And it’s honestly shocking. It shouldn’t be. It should be absolutely normal to eat healthy, to do good things for my body. But I’ve realised throughout this entire exercise that I’m so used to not being a priority. Not even to myself. And I need to change that.

I’ve been loving this new breakfast I have most days. I look forward to eating it. I look forward to preparing it. I meal prepped healthy lunches on the weekend for the upcoming week. And every time I take a box out of the fridge on my lunch break it makes me happy. That I’m eating something good instead of grabbing a quick snack or skipping the meal altogether.

Every time I’ve gone walking I’ve thought ‘this is nice’ and I’ve been happy that I’ve carved time out in my day for myself. For something that I enjoy, that creates better space in my head and will ultimately see results in how I’m feeling about myself.

Why has it taken me so long to be kind to myself?

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Crying at Night vol. 2

April 21, 2026

relationships

I had messaged him to ask a very different question. One that, if I’m honest, I didn’t think it would go much of anywhere. Sometimes (okay, a lot) I messaged him something silly or unimportant just to see if he’d message me back. So I asked him this question.

And for a bit I thought this is nice. That we can still be friends and talk in this way. I had been unsure if we could be friends before this and in the back of my head I did wonder if maybe I’d hold onto scraps of friendship with the hope that there could be a return to a sexual relationship.

The original question flowed into a different topic. One in which we discussed our time on the place where we met. And we touched on what he wants from it. And in the end I said to him:

This conversation is painful for me. Because I don’t think I’ve featured on your list of what you want. But I also know that whenever you do work out what you do want that I hope you find it.

His response was to say it was kind of me to say. But he didn’t disagree with me. With the part about me feeling like I’ve never been what he wanted. And it tore my little heart into shreds.

It’s helped though. He isn’t trying to dissuade me of these feelings so I need to just accept that and move on. It hurts but I can’t change any of it. Only my response to what he is saying and to what he isn’t. And he didn’t disagree with me. I’m not, nor possibly ever have been, what he wants.

That night I cried myself to sleep again. And I’ve struggled since then to sleep at night. But I’ll get there. One night at a time.

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Unsolicited Advice

April 20, 2026

dating

Am I getting grumpy in my old age?

I’d been chatting to a couple recently. I wouldn’t say extensively, but a handful of messages back and forth. There were concerns right from the beginning. Mostly that they lived further away than my preference. But sometimes I can overlook certain things. And I did initially.

I can’t remember now what we talked about. It had to have been something interesting. One or both of them likely said something that made me laugh. Which is why when they suggested meeting up sometime I said ‘when were you thinking?’ instead of ‘no’

They suggested a day and even though I was available that day I did ask ‘if we met up that day, when would it be likely to happen?’ based on the distance between us. ‘Whenever you like’ they said. But when I pushed further they said sometime after 9pm. Haha, no.

Thankfully I’m much better at saying ‘no’ to people. And giving no shits about whether or not they like my reason, if I bother to give one. In this case I did give a reason. I said I’m not at my best late in the evening so that time doesn’t work for me. I didn’t explain further, but I like getting into bed with my dog by 9pm! I don’t want to be sat somewhere making awkward conversation trying not to yawn at someone.

They pushed for that weekend. I can’t remember what I had going on that weekend but I almost wrote back to them to say ‘yeah, I’m just not feeling it’ but I didn’t. I thought … let me give them one more chance. So I said ‘no’ to the weekend but didn’t fully close the door on the possibility of another time.

Conversation carried on. It was pleasant if not particularly exciting. Eventually, it got into the mundane. How are you? What are you up to today? And I don’t mind some of that in conversation. But I’d grow weary if it stayed in that region. I told them I’d gone for a walk with my dog. We talked about my dog for awhile. I mentioned that he can be a bit anxious so his behaviour and routine might look different to other dogs.

They (I don’t know if it was him or her who wrote it) responded to say I should take my dog to a dog trainer, they do that for adult dogs too, you know? And it carried on in this vein, with a slight condescending tone about what I should or should not be doing for my dog and carrying on like they knew what was best for him.

I just deleted the message thread there and then. No explanation given. No more words.

I love finding out where my boundaries are with other people. And I guess I now know I am very sensitive to unsolicited advice/criticism about the thing I love best in the whole wide world.

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Crying At Night

April 17, 2026

relationships

I’m not going to lie, guys. I’m really struggling. I think it was a gradual thing, my decision to end things with my on/off person. But since I came to that decision this feeling has been really overwhelming.

I’ve been crying at night. I’ve been crying on my dog walks. Sometimes I’ll cry when I take a break at work or when I’m driving and tears will just leak from my eyes.

I think I’ve been going through different stages of feelings lately. And the first stage, other than sadness and tears, has been to scroll through our messages. I didn’t end up reading any of our messages to each other because I’ve known him for two years and we mostly messaged each other every day. That’s too much to read through. But what I did was along the same lines. I looked at all of the images we’d sent to each other. Of my dog. Of his. My nudes. Food pictures. Weird things I’d come across. The weird gif reactions he’d send in response to things I’d said or stories I told.

But I went back right to the beginning and swiped through them from the first to the last. And I cried. But I also had a whole series of thoughts. Mostly along the lines of ‘what if I’d done things differently? What if I’d said things in a different way? What if I’d acted differently? What if I’d set different boundaries? What if I pushed harder?’ And god, how I cried.

My thoughts would always start out like, like at this picture he sent me, what if I’d reacted differently to it, what if I’d been clearer, what if I’d said the right thing? Maybe he’d have been as open as he was in the moment he sent this thing? And I’d swipe to the next picture and my thought pattern would follow in a similar vein.

Throughout two years of conversation and 241 pictures I just kept asking myself these same type of questions. If I could have been funnier, or easier, or less anxious maybe then things would have been different.

What if I were better?

And it’s exhausting and pointless to keep hurting myself thinking like this. There isn’t anything I could have said differently or done differently. I couldn’t be any more me or any less me. It almost isn’t even about him. It’s about me and getting stuck in this cycle with him. I need to break free from it, I just don’t know how.

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Sex Club vol. 3

April 16, 2026

relationships

And here concludes my visit to a sex club.

I …have struggled to write this post. I guess I’ve struggled with my feelings about what happened. I don’t really do that well with uncertainty and with confusion and that’s kind of what I was left with afterwards.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I got invited to this same sex club by a woman friend. We were going to go together as a girl’s night sort of thing. She’d asked if I’d been to the club before and I said I had, with an ex. She said ‘oh dear, we’ll need to make better, happier memories then’ and I said no, no, no it’s nothing like that, I had great memories with him. And she said then we’ll have to make sexier memories then. And I wasn’t sure if that was just something nice to say or innuendo. Either way, that trip was cancelled.

And I didn’t really think about it again. I didn’t even really think about my past memories at this sex club with him until it happened. Even though I’d talked to my new friend who drove me there about the last time I drove to the club, that I got lucky and there was a car park spot right outside. That I meant to wear a different pair of shoes but ended up not changing them before I went in. Honestly, I kept talking about my ex and I never even thought to consider my feelings about it. About him.

When I was in the porn cinema with my new friends I ended up laughing and saying that he and I had sat in the porn cinema too and that men would look hopefully in to see if we were putting on a show instead of laughing about how unsexy the actual porn was. I usually really like my memories of my ex. They make me feel happy tinged with a bit of sadness. But mostly happy that those things happened.

But when the man came in and sat down next to me and asked me if I’m playing and I said ‘no’ and walked out, in that moment I felt really overwhelmed. I looked around and I felt like everyone else had someone else. There were plenty of couples there with each other, there were clumps of people that knew each other well enough to talk and laugh together. But I wasn’t there with anyone. And in that moment I really felt that.

So I walked downstairs and I sat in this row of leather sofas. And it was only as I sank into one of them that I realised it was next to the bed inside a cage. And I remembered. He and I had sat there together. To take a moment, just for ourselves.

It’s been a really long time since I felt so with a person. Where I felt whole. And safe. And seen. After I had that feeling I started thinking about all the other things we’d done in that sex club together. I thought about him sitting and me standing between his legs at a table. I don’t remember what we talked about, did we laugh? We probably did.

I remembered us moving from place to place. We kept moving and it was almost in direct opposition of other people. It actually ended up being hilarious how antisocial we were at that club. But I never wanted or needed anyone else when I was with him.

And in that moment, the pain of missing him seared through my heart. I remembered us lying on that bed behind the bars. Talking and laughing like nobody else existed in the world. I remember looking at him and thinking how is it possible to love someone this much? And tears pricked at my eyes.

If my new friend hadn’t walked into the dungeon at that very moment I probably would have started crying there and then. Letting all that heartbreak wash over me. Letting more memories in. Letting in more sadness. In the end, I quickly swiped the tears from my eyes and she came over and sat next to me and then two other people came in and we ended up all talking and laughing together. And it was better for awhile.

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Let’s go for a drink sometime…

April 15, 2026

dating

A few weeks ago I got a message from a man. As soon as I opened it, I felt like frisson of excitement. That doesn’t happen often. But the message itself, while brief, was interesting, engaging and …I don’t know. There was a vibe to it. I clicked on the man’s profile. And he’s handsome, age appropriate and local.

It’s only down to how long I’ve been single and looking and how many disappointments I’ve faced recently that my first thought was ‘what’s the catch here?’ Smart, attractive, single men do not message me enough.

Conversation carries on for about a week. We’re discussing the difficulties of dating, of dating apps, about not gelling with people based on how they speak about women (from him). About some of our experiences. Something about what we’re looking for.

Late one night after quite a lot of back and forth, he says ‘Let’s go for a drink sometime…’

And I responded with something like ‘I’d really like that’

And then I didn’t hear from him for just over a week. I could have responded better. I could have asked when he was available, I could have said when I was free. But I honestly just thought conversation would pick up again the following morning.

I don’t even know if I want to send a follow-up message to ask if he still wanted that drink? Are his actions speaking louder than his words here? Or are things so dire just generally that I persist on this disappearing act?

I wish I knew.

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