Baby, Can I Hold You

Unsolicited Advice

April 20, 2026

dating

Am I getting grumpy in my old age?

I’d been chatting to a couple recently. I wouldn’t say extensively, but a handful of messages back and forth. There were concerns right from the beginning. Mostly that they lived further away than my preference. But sometimes I can overlook certain things. And I did initially.

I can’t remember now what we talked about. It had to have been something interesting. One or both of them likely said something that made me laugh. Which is why when they suggested meeting up sometime I said ‘when were you thinking?’ instead of ‘no’

They suggested a day and even though I was available that day I did ask ‘if we met up that day, when would it be likely to happen?’ based on the distance between us. ‘Whenever you like’ they said. But when I pushed further they said sometime after 9pm. Haha, no.

Thankfully I’m much better at saying ‘no’ to people. And giving no shits about whether or not they like my reason, if I bother to give one. In this case I did give a reason. I said I’m not at my best late in the evening so that time doesn’t work for me. I didn’t explain further, but I like getting into bed with my dog by 9pm! I don’t want to be sat somewhere making awkward conversation trying not to yawn at someone.

They pushed for that weekend. I can’t remember what I had going on that weekend but I almost wrote back to them to say ‘yeah, I’m just not feeling it’ but I didn’t. I thought … let me give them one more chance. So I said ‘no’ to the weekend but didn’t fully close the door on the possibility of another time.

Conversation carried on. It was pleasant if not particularly exciting. Eventually, it got into the mundane. How are you? What are you up to today? And I don’t mind some of that in conversation. But I’d grow weary if it stayed in that region. I told them I’d gone for a walk with my dog. We talked about my dog for awhile. I mentioned that he can be a bit anxious so his behaviour and routine might look different to other dogs.

They (I don’t know if it was him or her who wrote it) responded to say I should take my dog to a dog trainer, they do that for adult dogs too, you know? And it carried on in this vein, with a slight condescending tone about what I should or should not be doing for my dog and carrying on like they knew what was best for him.

I just deleted the message thread there and then. No explanation given. No more words.

I love finding out where my boundaries are with other people. And I guess I now know I am very sensitive to unsolicited advice/criticism about the thing I love best in the whole wide world.

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Crying At Night

April 17, 2026

relationships

I’m not going to lie, guys. I’m really struggling. I think it was a gradual thing, my decision to end things with my on/off person. But since I came to that decision this feeling has been really overwhelming.

I’ve been crying at night. I’ve been crying on my dog walks. Sometimes I’ll cry when I take a break at work or when I’m driving and tears will just leak from my eyes.

I think I’ve been going through different stages of feelings lately. And the first stage, other than sadness and tears, has been to scroll through our messages. I didn’t end up reading any of our messages to each other because I’ve known him for two years and we mostly messaged each other every day. That’s too much to read through. But what I did was along the same lines. I looked at all of the images we’d sent to each other. Of my dog. Of his. My nudes. Food pictures. Weird things I’d come across. The weird gif reactions he’d send in response to things I’d said or stories I told.

But I went back right to the beginning and swiped through them from the first to the last. And I cried. But I also had a whole series of thoughts. Mostly along the lines of ‘what if I’d done things differently? What if I’d said things in a different way? What if I’d acted differently? What if I’d set different boundaries? What if I pushed harder?’ And god, how I cried.

My thoughts would always start out like, like at this picture he sent me, what if I’d reacted differently to it, what if I’d been clearer, what if I’d said the right thing? Maybe he’d have been as open as he was in the moment he sent this thing? And I’d swipe to the next picture and my thought pattern would follow in a similar vein.

Throughout two years of conversation and 241 pictures I just kept asking myself these same type of questions. If I could have been funnier, or easier, or less anxious maybe then things would have been different.

What if I were better?

And it’s exhausting and pointless to keep hurting myself thinking like this. There isn’t anything I could have said differently or done differently. I couldn’t be any more me or any less me. It almost isn’t even about him. It’s about me and getting stuck in this cycle with him. I need to break free from it, I just don’t know how.

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Sex Club vol. 3

April 16, 2026

relationships

And here concludes my visit to a sex club.

I …have struggled to write this post. I guess I’ve struggled with my feelings about what happened. I don’t really do that well with uncertainty and with confusion and that’s kind of what I was left with afterwards.

I don’t know if I mentioned it, but I got invited to this same sex club by a woman friend. We were going to go together as a girl’s night sort of thing. She’d asked if I’d been to the club before and I said I had, with an ex. She said ‘oh dear, we’ll need to make better, happier memories then’ and I said no, no, no it’s nothing like that, I had great memories with him. And she said then we’ll have to make sexier memories then. And I wasn’t sure if that was just something nice to say or innuendo. Either way, that trip was cancelled.

And I didn’t really think about it again. I didn’t even really think about my past memories at this sex club with him until it happened. Even though I’d talked to my new friend who drove me there about the last time I drove to the club, that I got lucky and there was a car park spot right outside. That I meant to wear a different pair of shoes but ended up not changing them before I went in. Honestly, I kept talking about my ex and I never even thought to consider my feelings about it. About him.

When I was in the porn cinema with my new friends I ended up laughing and saying that he and I had sat in the porn cinema too and that men would look hopefully in to see if we were putting on a show instead of laughing about how unsexy the actual porn was. I usually really like my memories of my ex. They make me feel happy tinged with a bit of sadness. But mostly happy that those things happened.

But when the man came in and sat down next to me and asked me if I’m playing and I said ‘no’ and walked out, in that moment I felt really overwhelmed. I looked around and I felt like everyone else had someone else. There were plenty of couples there with each other, there were clumps of people that knew each other well enough to talk and laugh together. But I wasn’t there with anyone. And in that moment I really felt that.

So I walked downstairs and I sat in this row of leather sofas. And it was only as I sank into one of them that I realised it was next to the bed inside a cage. And I remembered. He and I had sat there together. To take a moment, just for ourselves.

It’s been a really long time since I felt so with a person. Where I felt whole. And safe. And seen. After I had that feeling I started thinking about all the other things we’d done in that sex club together. I thought about him sitting and me standing between his legs at a table. I don’t remember what we talked about, did we laugh? We probably did.

I remembered us moving from place to place. We kept moving and it was almost in direct opposition of other people. It actually ended up being hilarious how antisocial we were at that club. But I never wanted or needed anyone else when I was with him.

And in that moment, the pain of missing him seared through my heart. I remembered us lying on that bed behind the bars. Talking and laughing like nobody else existed in the world. I remember looking at him and thinking how is it possible to love someone this much? And tears pricked at my eyes.

If my new friend hadn’t walked into the dungeon at that very moment I probably would have started crying there and then. Letting all that heartbreak wash over me. Letting more memories in. Letting in more sadness. In the end, I quickly swiped the tears from my eyes and she came over and sat next to me and then two other people came in and we ended up all talking and laughing together. And it was better for awhile.

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Let’s go for a drink sometime…

April 15, 2026

dating

A few weeks ago I got a message from a man. As soon as I opened it, I felt like frisson of excitement. That doesn’t happen often. But the message itself, while brief, was interesting, engaging and …I don’t know. There was a vibe to it. I clicked on the man’s profile. And he’s handsome, age appropriate and local.

It’s only down to how long I’ve been single and looking and how many disappointments I’ve faced recently that my first thought was ‘what’s the catch here?’ Smart, attractive, single men do not message me enough.

Conversation carries on for about a week. We’re discussing the difficulties of dating, of dating apps, about not gelling with people based on how they speak about women (from him). About some of our experiences. Something about what we’re looking for.

Late one night after quite a lot of back and forth, he says ‘Let’s go for a drink sometime…’

And I responded with something like ‘I’d really like that’

And then I didn’t hear from him for just over a week. I could have responded better. I could have asked when he was available, I could have said when I was free. But I honestly just thought conversation would pick up again the following morning.

I don’t even know if I want to send a follow-up message to ask if he still wanted that drink? Are his actions speaking louder than his words here? Or are things so dire just generally that I persist on this disappearing act?

I wish I knew.

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Messy Endings

April 14, 2026

relationships, sex

It’s taken me awhile to write this blog post. Usually I have an idea in my head before I write a blog post about something I want to convey, or discuss. Sometimes it’s a question that I’m pondering myself. But there’s usually an idea.

And for this one I’m just not sure. Which I think just goes back to how uncertain and up in the air the reality is.

A few weeks ago, I ended things with my on/off person.

He’d already told me previously about a change in his schedule that would make meeting up harder. There are already imbalances in our relationship that I struggle with. One of those imbalances obviously being that I have feelings for him and he does not return them. But that is just one imbalance. On the day it happened, I asked him if he’d be free the following Monday evening?

He said ‘no’ straightaway.

There was a reason, it wasn’t just a ‘nah, don’t really fancy it’ sort of thing. But something inside of me broke. It’s not that I thought it was unfair or that I was upset that he’d already had plans. It wasn’t that. It was more that I thought ‘how much more of this can I take?’

I feel an enormous amount of rejection every time he says ‘no’ no matter his reason for saying no. Most of the times he’s said ‘no’ have been because of work. Work is important, yo. None of us can be giving up work! So I understand those reasons. But also, he doesn’t ever have to face the rejection of me saying ‘no’ to him because he doesn’t ask me things. He doesn’t put himself out there in the way that I do. He’s never said ‘Monday evening doesn’t work but what about XYZ?’

Until I wrote that I hadn’t even been aware that it isn’t just imbalances. It’s a lack of effort. He’ll take what I offer but won’t offer anything in return.

So I said to him that I wouldn’t be able to make offers again. For him to come over. For us to have sex. After I said it, I wondered if maybe I wasn’t as clear as I thought I was. But even in that moment I was sure he understood. We said things to each other that sounded like we were saying our goodbyes. He understood what I meant.

And I cried.

But it didn’t end there. Because messaging seemed to resume as normal. We’ve always been friends and had many topics of conversation that we fall back on. But it didn’t stop at the usual. He sent me a video of something (non-sexual) that I’d mentioned I’d love to see way before things ended. And he sent it to me. And I thought …I love that he shared this with me. But also what does it mean?

And then he came to my house even though there isn’t anything on my road except me that he might be after. And my stupid heart thought ‘Is this him trying?’ Is this him making some attempt at showing me something? But what is it? What is he saying with this? What does it mean?

And it probably doesn’t mean anything. He probably isn’t saying anything with it. And I maybe need to stop being so hopeful about everything especially when that hope hurts me.

About a week after we saw each other last I brought it up again. Awkwardly. I said ‘hey, you know I ended things between us, right?’ To which he said yeah, he got that. And conversation continued.

I guess I’m not really sure what I want. I think the confusion on my part is more about expectations. I had the big feeling, I made the brave decision to voice that. Made a decision. And I guess I was braced for impact after that. But there’s been no impact. There’s even been many, many orgasms.

Do I want things to change? I’m not good with clean breaks and that’s rarely a good option for me. But is this friendship doing me good or doing me harm? Are there still expectations there to start up a sexual relationship again? I hadn’t expected that but maybe the one time was a blip?

I don’t know. It feels messy because it is messy. But I don’t feel equipped to navigate myself out of the mess. I think I might just stay here? In some of the confusion until I better work out how I feel about it.

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Prioritising Myself

April 13, 2026

life

I had a random day off last week (not associated with the bank holidays) and I decided to take myself off for a mini spa day. It ended up falling on one of the prettiest, sunniest days of the year so far and I honestly I feel like I lucked out so much.

The days before it I felt ridiculously excited about it and was looking forward. The day of I woke up and just felt lighter knowing what was in store for me. I didn’t even panic about the drive there or the parking! I just thought this is amazing, why don’t I do this more often?

The package that I went for includes a few hours use of the pool, hot tub and sauna followed by a spa treatment of my choice and then a meal. Sinking into the hot tub on this day probably wasn’t the best experience as it didn’t feel that hot but the outdoor pool? Felt like heaven. That together with a hot stone massage? Was so good.

On the way back home that day I started thinking what are some of the other things that I don’t do because of time or priorities or whatever else that I should be doing? Some things were quick to be thought of – I’ve never had a manicure or a pedicure and I love the idea of doing things to pamper myself. A facial sounds great. Other types of massage. Getting my haircut more often.

What I’m about to write is going to be so cringe but I hope that when you read it, you imagine me typing away, stopping mid-sentence to look into the camera before doing a dramatic hairflip: In the same way that improving my environment was a testament to ‘you’re worth it’ so is this.

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What I’m Looking For

April 10, 2026

relationships
I’ve avoided writing this list for awhile. I think because I knew as soon as I did put into words the things I want or that I’m looking for that it would make me realise that these are the things I’m not getting for my current connections.

When I finally did sit down to write this I ended up crying. Obviously aside from wanting to love someone else and be loved in return. It goes without saying that I want to be treated with respect, I want someone to value me and my time. I want someone to be in it with me. But I also think about other things.
- I want to fall asleep with someone and see their soft sleepiness as we wake up together
- I want to wander around tesco and gather food and then go home and cook it together
- I want to lean against someone as we watch a film or a true crime documentary or a medical drama or anything at all and talk about it
- I want to meet someone’s friends, I want someone to meet my friends and watch the chaos of two friendship circles colliding
- I want to walk my dog with someone, just around the neighbourhood or somewhere prettier
- I want to tell someone about my day, about work, about what I’ve seen on social media, about some weird new fact I’ve learned, I want to share my thoughts with another person
- I want to hold someone’s hand
- I want to hug someone from behind as they’re washing dishes, I want someone to hug me from behind
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Sex Club vol. 2

April 9, 2026

sex

Continuing my experience recently at a sex club. I was there as part of an organised social. I had joined a group chat before the event to try to get to know others but it didn’t really work out that well for me. I found it difficult to find my way in conversation, others seemed to already know each other and have their own jokes. I was considering not going at all but then a woman offered to drive me and I couldn’t say ‘no’

I mostly had a good time. But there were moments where I knew for certain that this wasn’t the place for me.

One of those times was when I felt like sitting down but most of the free chairs in this place were near the ‘private’ rooms where people were having sex but you could still see in the windows. I didn’t know anyone there well enough to watch them have sex so I didn’t fancy sitting there.

So I wandered into the porn cinema on my own. If I wasn’t so shocked I might have laughed but the actual moment that I sat in one of the seats in the cinema a man was RIGHT THERE having followed me in. He asked to get past me but sat in the seat right next to me, looked at me and asked right away ‘Are you playing?’ like the only reason I came into the porn cinema was to wank a strange man off??

No, I said and I did laugh. But I also just got up and left as well. I wasn’t here for servicing any strange men.

I did wander back in later, this time with a group of people that I quickly determined as good people. One of them was the woman who had driven me there. We gave each other space in the cinema but ended up giving our critique of the porn we had been watching.

That’s not nearly enough time spent going down on her

That is one of the driest blowjobs I’ve ever seen

What is going on with that facial expression?

I don’t think I fully believe that she’s just had an orgasm, that looked and sounded fake to me

Who is this meant to appeal to?

I actually had the most fun ever talking and laughing about the porn. And the same man from earlier? He poked his head into the cinema every 5 or so minutes to check if any of us were naked or if anyone was stroking anyone else in the cinema.

Better luck next time.

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Confusing Woman

April 8, 2026

dating

I first came across this woman a year ago. She may have sent me an introductory message about a thing I was planning on attending but didn’t. I don’t quite remember.

We met last summer. We were both attending a get together and she’d mentioned possibly travelling in together on the train. I said that because she was a little bit further out than me that I’d probably meet here there instead but I’d love to catch up at the thing?

I saw her there but she arrived late. She’d mostly stuck around a group of people that I didn’t know that well. But we literally just said ‘hello’ and exchanged the briefest things about the train journey in. Over messaging she was for forward and super flirty. In person, she was a lot less intense. But I took that change in how she was as maybe she wasn’t that into me? Because she didn’t make another attempt to make conversation that day.

Afterwards, several months later we ended up messaging each other about something else. She said something like she’d love to meet up for coffee sometime, have a proper catch up. I told her that I had a busy few days coming up but how about that weekend? She never got back to me.

We ended up on the same group chat shortly after that and she said all over again that we lived fairly local to each other, maybe we should do that coffee after all? I said how about Sunday? Or Wednesday? but she hadn’t really gotten back to me. So I figured if she really wanted to, she would. Her lack of response was telling me everything. Especially in the group chat she’d mentioned meeting other women. Regularly. Frequently.

I don’t mind. I would never mind that people aren’t into me. All I’m looking for is some consistency. Some follow-through? Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, this week she’s messaged me again.

Can I take you out for a drink sometime?

I think you are so lovely and I would really like to get to know you more

If the feeling is not mutual, I’m a big girl and I won’t be offended

I just can’t even with her. I hope I don’t blow as hot and cold with others as this woman does to me. I haven’t messaged her back, I don’t think I have the energy.

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Improving my environment

April 7, 2026

life

Following on from a previous post, I have done quite a bit to improve my environment. I am now a very firm believer that this is such a vital first step for me.

I started by doing a deep clean of my house. I hoovered, including the stairs. I scrubbed at my bathroom sink and the toilet, I scrubbed the base of the shower cubicle. I changed my bedlinen so that I could slide into bed that evening with crisp sheets.

Already I could feel my mood lifting. But I didn’t stop there. I decided all the piles of books around me felt claustrophobic. So I got some abandoned fruit trays at my local supermarket and have piled the boxes in my garage filled with books I no longer want that I’m going to donate back to charity shops. I cleared out a set of drawers filled with crap and I’ve now got a place for all my lingerie that isn’t carrier bags hastily shoved into corners.

I cleared out my bathroom cabinet of all the miscellaneous junk I didn’t want but didn’t know what to do with. And now it’s only got the creams and products that I actually use. And it feels me with joy.

I don’t understand fully but with every one of these actions it was like I was telling myself ‘you’re worthy of clean, uncluttered spaces’ It shouldn’t be this big of a deal. I shouldn’t be feeling joy at empty spaces around my reading chair. And yet I do.

I think it’s because I’ve put thought into it. I’ve thought of the different things I could be doing that would make me happier. Or at least less unhappy and I’ve made a list. And I’ve started ticking things off that list. And with everything I do it’s like I’m telling myself ‘Your wants and needs are valued’

My wants and needs are valued. God, that has a great ring to it.

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