Have you ever gotten to that point in your life where you just thought, what am I doing?

I did recently. I was talking to a friend awhile back and I ended up saying that I know why I’m doing certain things. I feel this want/need to be sexy/desired/chosen so I’m putting myself out there a bit more to chase that feeling. With mixed results, I’d say.

There’s a sex club local to me that I’ve been to before. They do parties every month to get people in and socialising with each other. And I’ve been to this particular party once before. But it was when I knew a few people going so it didn’t feel like I was going on my own. But the other week when I went? It was definitely on my own.

I managed to pluck up enough courage to get ready, drive there, and walk through the front doors. But as soon as I did my first thought was ‘what am I doing?’ I looked around and there wasn’t a single person there that I wanted to converse with. Most of the people there looked about 20-30 years older than me. I managed to fit a table to sit at on my own and tried doing some deep breaths to keep me at this place longer because my first instinct was to get up and walk straight back to my car.

And the night didn’t get any better.

A nice looking couple came over to speak to me. She must have been really bricking it because she was so overdressed that I can’t imagine she wasn’t feeling anything other than uncomfortable in her formal dress. They were interesting to talk to but it felt like they were both so on edge that they needed to be in constant movement otherwise they’d both chicken out on being there so they hopped to the next person to chat with.

After they left, I looked around and spotted a couple that I had been messaging for a bit before that night. We’d said that we’d see each other there and he had told me ‘he’d make sure I had a good time’ so I wasn’t sure what the evening might have in store for me. I was excited to go over and say ‘hello’ but that was quickly dashed when it was clear that she was more interested in speaking to another couple they had met at a previous event. And her and the other woman ended up whispering in each other’s ear for the next few hours. Meanwhile, he made awkward conversation with me. And it was nice enough but it felt half-hearted. And I mostly sat there thinking god, I feel like a fifth wheel to these two couples.

I was definitely questioning even being there that night. It was getting really hot in the bar area, and crowded with other people. I spoke to a couple of other people but not meaningfully. Once the rest of the sex club opened up I did wander around a bit. Spoke to an energetic young couple in the pool (he offered to carry me down the length of the pool?) but they were way too high-energy for me.

I saw the other two couples I’d spent most of the evening with in the pool and hot tub but seeing them together just made me feel extra sad. Everyone there was so together in a way that really made me lonely. I really don’t love that feeling. So I got up and left.

I don’t think my heart was in that much anyway. I could feel myself not asking questions of others, not being fully present in any of the moments, and certainly engaged by anything. I was there but not really there. And I guess I don’t know how to bring myself back except maybe with time?