Baby, Can I Hold You

Therapist Thread vol. 3

April 2, 2026

relationships

This concludes my thoughts on the therapist thread that I saw on Threads recently. I saw this initial post and had visceral reactions to three different items on the list.

I opened up to my therapist that I develop feelings too quickly. She handed me a journal and said, “If you lose yourself when someone gives you attention, these 10 questions will show you why their attention feels like the oxygen your nervous system searches for.”

I’ve gone over the first two thoughts in previous posts but today I’m here to talk about the 10th item on this list.

10. Do I attach quickly because attention fills a void I don’t know how to fill myself? Being chosen feels like oxygen when self-worth feels like holding your breath.

Damn.

I’ve written before about being chosen. I’ve touched on it anyway.

And I’ve written recently about struggling to be myself. Recently when I had no WiFi in my house for several days it became so much more obvious how much I relied on the attention of others to fill some need in me.

I guess without even intending to address this specific problem I’ve tried to work on myself. I’ve put a Work Focus on my phone during working hours to stop notifications from getting to me. (I can still see them, but I have to check for the notifications and I’m trying to stop myself from checking!)

And I’m also trying to stop myself from spending so much time seeking the attention of others. I need to be enough for myself. And in order to do that I need to prioritise myself.

What can I be doing that puts my emotional, physical and psychological needs first? I’ve started a list. I’ve tried to minimise other people from this journey. I’ve tried to focus more on things that I would enjoy doing like reading or writing. I’m trying to focus on eating healthier foods and making better fitness choices. I hope by doing these things I’m telling myself ‘you’re worth it’

I’ve booked a mini spa day that I’ll do on my own and I’m looking into other activities to do including improving my home environment. Giving myself the time and space needed to focus on my studies.

I feel like it has to become an ongoing project, one in which I’m putting myself first and investing time and energy into myself. And eventually I’ll include others into that but hopefully by the time that’s happened, I’ll feel better about just me. Wish me luck.

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Sex Club vol. 1

April 1, 2026

sex

I recently went to an organised social held in a local sex club and several things happened that I thought I would draw out my experience over several different posts (sorry!) I hope readers don’t mind the added description.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about visiting clubs again. I’ve wanted to go again but I knew that I’d prefer to go with someone else. As in not on my own. And I’ve been in need of socialising lately. So when I saw that a localish group were holding a large group social in a sex club I thought … yeah, okay, I will attend that.

I didn’t think I’d be able to. I joined the group chat beforehand but I didn’t feel like I really connected with anybody. And then I had car troubles and thought ‘well, shit, I can’t go now’ – that is until a woman who lives the next town over offered to give me a lift and I thought I can’t turn down this level of generosity. So I ended up going after all.

I really hit it off with the woman who offered to drive me. She’s hilarious and warm and engaging and even though it was a 45 minute drive in both directions, there was no awkwardness or lengthy gaps in conversation. I mostly thought all the way there ‘please let’s be friends!’

We had a tour when we arrived and I needed that. I’d been to this club only once before with my ex. And it had been years (years?!) since that trip. And things had changed. It was interesting to see the changes. A different layout, a place to buy food, a secret corridor only for couples (that wasn’t open the day I went).

There was an icebreaker activity to start with and it allowed me to mingle amongst the other people attending. I didn’t know anybody there, I barely recognised faces and I still struggled with a lot of the names afterwards. But there was one person there that I did recognise.

I had called him ‘my stalker’ to other people – on the website I use, I’d created a forum thread about a particular interest of mine and this man seemed determined to engage me in conversation. He’d send me messages asking about my day, my evening plans, if I wanted to meet him at the weekend. I mostly just deleted his messages. After creating this forum thread and mentioning a recommendation for people to attend local events, he messaged to ask if I was going to a particular local event about my interest. He offered to drive me, to meet up when we were there. He sent me pictures of what he looked like so I could recognise him and say hello.

I ignored them. If he called me out on it on the forums I’d lie and say I didn’t attend. But for three months in a row, this man showed up, swivelling his neck around to look out for me. And I avoided him until I no longer felt comfortable being in the same space as me, he made me not want to go to this event again.

So when I saw him at this club my heart sank. I didn’t want to have to avoid him in this small space, surrounded by people I was trying to get to know. So I gritted my teeth and got through it. He stood next to me at one point, turned to me to ask a question that I answered briefly before turning to someone else. He didn’t recognise me because he’s never seen my face but I don’t want to converse with someone who makes me so deeply uncomfortable.

It was a few people’s first times at the club. So in a group we walked around the dungeon, climbing into the dogging car, laughing at the coffin propped up in one corner. One woman used the handcuffs in one of the cages. And then someone asked ‘what’s the point of the dark room?’ so we all followed her into the dark room to explain.

As I walked in, I said ‘please nobody grope me in here’ because the point of the dark room is that it’s so dark that you could randomly touch other people or engage in other things if you’re into the anonymous nature of it all. That is absolutely not my thing but I thought I’d say it anyway. Even though the rest of the group seemed to understand that it was all exploratory, us going into the dark room together.

Except this man. Who ended up saying ‘Right, whose boobs am I going to ‘accidentally’ grab?’ as he lunged towards me and the woman who drove me there. I don’t really care that it was meant as a joke, the idea of this man coming anywhere near me, of him touching me without my consent, of him making a joke about any of it repulsed me. So the second I could feel him moving towards me I left. Immediately. And I kept walking as far away from him as I could.

It was my only encounter with him that day and after the event my new friend made a complaint to the organisers of event and he was kicked out of the group chat and banned from any future events.

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When there is no attraction

March 31, 2026

dating

He started messaging me many weeks ago. I enjoyed the conversation, we talked quite a bit about work, about hobbies, about dogs. He had an interest in photography, he’d taken random weekend trips to the coast or into Wales and it sounds exciting, different, impulsive.

He suggested we meet up for a coffee and for three weeks, we couldn’t find a day and time that worked for both of us. If I’m honest, I think I lost some of my interest in him during those three weeks just through how drawn out it was, through the painful small talk that occurs when you’re just waiting for the thing to happen but it doesn’t. But when I suggested that we exchange details to message each other elsewhere to where we met on the day we finally did have a coffee date … I felt a bit unsure.

I’d said to a friend the day before that I wasn’t sure if there was any attraction on my part. I know that attraction is difficult for me but I think in this case, I was fairly sure I wasn’t attracted to him. I enjoyed talking to him but there was no spark there. And what compounded that feeling is seeing his profile picture on the app where we exchanged details. It was a picture that I recognised, I’d seen his picture on a dating app recently …and swiped left. Well. That doesn’t bode well, does it?

I still ended up meeting him for coffee. Maybe the attraction thing was all in my head? I recognised him as he got out of his car and I walked over to him and smiled. He did a double take at me as though the first time he looked he hadn’t recognised me. That was a hit to my ego, if I’m honest.

We walked in together and chatted awkwardly as he ordered a coffee. I’d gotten a juice and said ‘no thanks’ to the offer of a glass to pour it into. That was a mistake. I opened it and for whatever reason, as I went to take a drink, droplets of apple juice ended up falling into my cleavage, onto my crossed legs. I just kept touching the damp spots on my leggings. I could feel the juice on my fingers and I couldn’t concentrate on whatever it was he was saying. I excused myself to get a glass from the counter and if I’m honest, I considered just walking out there and then.

It isn’t that I didn’t feel comfortable, it’s that I felt nothing. When I went back to our table we talked about many things. His photography, work, our children, his weekend plans. It was all fine. But none of it excited me, nothing that he said made me laugh? There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s lovely. But it really was just wasn’t working for me.

I told him honestly that I needed to head off and we said our goodbyes. We stood slightly awkwardly outside the cafe and I knew he was considering whether or not to ask for a kiss. I crossed my arms over my chest, gave him a cheery smile and said ‘was lovely meeting you!’ and walked to my car.

The poor guy did message me when I got home and mentioned that he’d wanted to kiss me. That he couldn’t take his eyes off me. He told me several times that he liked the way I looked, that he was happy we’d finally met. And I had to tell him that I didn’t think there was anything there. He suggested meeting again as friends and I said ‘maybe’ and we did continue chatting for another few days.

After I’d had a busy weekend, and had mentioned some challenges I was facing he asked to see me again. I said look, I’m really stressed right now, I don’t think so. I think he took offence at that and asked ‘Should we continue chatting or just call it a day?’ and I thought he meant that day. Like, he’d give me some space that day but based on the fact that he hasn’t messaged me since, I think he might call it a day on us being friends.

I’m not upset about it. I think it’s probably the right thing and I think I would have suggested that otherwise. But I am surprised. I feel like our friendship was contingent on being available to him either through messaging or to meet up and I’d had a busy couple of days and work was chaotic. I’m not here for someone I don’t even fancy to feel entitled to anything from me?

Back to square one.

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Something Unexpected

March 27, 2026

sex

I asked him a random question that morning. He responded to say he was out and about at an appointment. I told him I had my house to myself and that I was planning on trying on lingerie. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Half an hour later I sent him a message saying that halfway through trying on this complicated, strappy lingerie set I got a notification on my work laptop that a Teams meeting had started. A meeting I was meant to be leading with my team. I panicked, ripped my lingerie off and threw on a tshirt. The message I sent to him said I had been naked from the bottom half as I talked work for that solid 30 minutes.

It wasn’t meant to be a sexy story, it was meant to be a funny story shared between friends.

But he responded with something just that little bit unexpected.

Want to flash me from your window?

I laughed and said do you pass my house on your way to work?! knowing full well that he doesn’t. I live on a no through road. You come to my road, it’s to see someone on my road. I assume I’m the only person he knows on my road.

Still, in a bit of a haze from my lingerie-Teams-meeting-disaster I sent a laughing emoji and said–

I definitely would have flashed you from my window

For the life of me now, I don’t know if I truly meant it or just wanted to say something flirty to him, to keep this conversation going where he’s thinking of my naked body or me in lingerie.

Would you?

I have to dig in now that he’s questioning it. Doesn’t he know I have a slight exhibitionist streak?

In a flashing mood now? Because I have just finished a work call whilst around the corner

Reader, let me tell you how my heartbeat started racing when I ran to my window and saw this beautiful man sitting in his car right outside my window. I opened the curtains, and smiled and waved at him. I looked down at my phone

Nice t-shirt

And I felt paralysed in that moment. My brain is flooded with thoughts. He’s here. He took his work call a minute from my house. I wanted to flash him. Because he asked, because it’s him. All this time I’m overthinking everything I’m hiding behind my curtains. But I’m buzzing. I feel the adrenaline kick in and make a split-second decision. I whip my t-shirt off and step into the window.

That’s a better view

And a lovely smile

God, when did his praise do such things to me? I fucking love the idea of him looking at me. Of him driving all the way to my house on the off chance that he could see a glimpse of me.

I’m tempted to ask if you want to come in, I write to him. But I’ve taken so long to write this message that he’s driven off having written that he’d let me get back to my lingerie and toys.

30 seconds later, I can see his car as he drives back towards my house. We go back and forth about it being something I really want, did I know how little time he had? But I’ve made up my mind now, I want to see him. It’s been so long. I want to look at his face and give him a kiss, I want to feel his hands on me. I want all the orgasms I know that he’ll give me.

And it’s everything I wanted it to be. He’s more tactile than I remember him being before, like he’s remembered that I’ve told him how touch-starved I am. He does a thing that makes me gasp. The sounds that he makes live in my brain forever.

He smells so good and I don’t know if it’s me that orchestrates it or if it’s him but I love being pressed against him, my mouth against his ear as I moan through another wave of pleasure. My thoughts zing around in crazy ways, I notice that he’s cut his hair recently, I think I love watching him use his hands. I’m drowning in him looking at me, the pressure of him against my skin. All I am is the sensation of his touch, I’m all pleasure.

He starts to tease me and I say I can’t believe you’re teasing me right now and he takes it as a challenge to how he could tease me more and I think I’m not sure I can handle much more than this. But I do. My hands on him, my mouth, me watching him makes me feel things even more. I’m so full of whatever this feeling is.

After he leaves, I smile for the rest of the day. Even when work hits me with some big stresses. I just keep thinking …that really happened.

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Sexy List

March 26, 2026

sex

That you check in with me if you think how much time you have is enough for the things I need

That you always smell so good

The way you look at me, I like that you appreciate my body, the way that I look

This sound you make, I can’t get enough of it, when you find out how wet I am for you

You make a similar sound when I have one orgasm after another like just that gives you so much pleasure

You pick up on the unspoken things I tell you during and the way you choose to act on those things is incredibly hot

You remembered something I said I liked months ago

You challenge me to come out of my comfort zone in a way that makes me feel alive but also safe

Your ridiculous focus on my pleasure, your generosity is appreciated

Fuck me, your hands

And your eyes

And that spot on your face that gets a little bit red in a blush when we’re talking after

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All By Myself

March 25, 2026

life

I was without WiFi at home recently. I was changing broadband providers and there was a problem with the installation which meant that for several days I had no access to certain things.

I started off thinking … this will be fine? I don’t need constant access to the Internet or Netflix or whatever else.

And then I realised it’s not the constant access to shows or websites that I missed. It was the constant access to people giving me attention. I missed the constant noise that a stable WiFi connection in my home gives me. A Spotify playlist constantly blaring. Or an audiobook. I’m binge watching a show. Access to films to watch … to fill that space inside me.

I’ve always considered myself a relatively solitary person. I spend a lot of my time on my own with just my dog for company. But I don’t, not really. Because the vast majority of the time I’ll be messaging people. And when I’m not doing that, I’m filling my brain with other things to distract, entertain, avoid.

I’ve wondered recently about this dip in creativity. And now I’m wondering if I don’t have the space or capacity to create, to be inspired because I’m constantly consuming. Am I avoiding just existing? I do think this might just be a recent thing. I don’t think I’ve thought in the past that I was afraid to be on my own with own thoughts. But I think I need a shake up. Get back to myself.

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Therapist Thread vol. 2

March 24, 2026

life, relationships

This is a follow up thread to Therapist Thread in which I wrote about a thread on Threads that really spoke to me. I did have to google it to find out what the first part said, which was this:

I opened up to my therapist that I develop feelings too quickly. She handed me a journal and said, “If you lose yourself when someone gives you attention, these 10 questions will show you why their attention feels like the oxygen your nervous system searches for.”

In the first post, I wrote about the first question this Threads Therapist mentioned. Today I’ll be writing about another question that hit home with me. You may remember that in the first post I had thought that the original tweet of the thread was talking about anxious attachment or inconsistency. It really makes everything more relevant knowing that it’s about developing feelings too quickly. That being said, I feel like not knowing what anchored it was important for me too. The question is important regardless of the context.

But here is today’s question:

5. Do I give more than I receive because generosity helps me avoid being abandoned? Over giving is often fear — dressed as kindness.

I read that and I thought ‘oh god’

I guess I haven’t really talked about my parents that much. And they are important. A lot of who I am, and crucially, how I am is because of my relationships with both my parents.

I did learn from an early age that neither of my parents were stable in their emotions, in their behaviours, in their reactions to me. My dad was finally diagnosed as having bipolar shortly before he died having lived with it untreated for most of his adult life. I don’t think you need a medical degree or lived experience to understand that having a parent with untreated bipolar disorder was a challenging thing.

Apologies for the oversharing in the rest of this post.

My dad was erratic, unpredictable and unstable. It was chaos at home. His moods swung wildly between the mania and the depression. He had no boundaries and would overshare wildly. He had the highest expectations of me. He’d suggest spur of the moment crazy plans or projects. He’d go through long stretches of depressive episodes that led me to grow up really, really early. He was short-tempered, irritable, angry.

My mother checked out both emotionally and physically when I was 11. She decided she could no longer ‘deal’ with my dad, with me, with my brother. And she left. I’d only see her a handful of times after that and I haven’t seen her in person since the age of 17. We would talk on the phone ever 6-7 years when she remembered she had a daughter and the emotional scarring from her abandonment has been something I still struggle to get through.

It makes sense within the context of my relationship with my parents that I might over give in my relationships. I have experienced the worst kind of parental abandonment and I’m keen to not experience that level of rejection again. I’ve known previously when I’ve reflected on myself and my own behaviours that I’m maybe overly nice as a way of counteracting my parents. It feels very much like ‘Please like me, and stay. You’ll stay, right?’

It’s breaking that cycle that’s the hard bit. How do I maintain a sense of myself and only give of myself in a healthy amount? How do I navigate relationships and not feed into the idea that I have to pour myself into the needs of others. How do I set boundaries for myself? How do I start to believe that I am enough?

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A Strange One

March 23, 2026

dating

I had an unusual exchange with someone recently. In which he messaged me and I wrote back to him ‘you’re a strange one, do you know that?’

And he asked for clarification and we went back and forth and again I said ‘but this goes back to my original comment that you’re a strange one…’

Essentially what had happened was this: I started messaging with a man ages ago. Last year sometime. He’s smart, he amusing, he’s good looking. But conversation tailed off with no mention of meeting or taking things any further. That’s fine. I wasn’t upset about that.

Then out of nowhere months later, an hour before I was going to an organised social event he messaged me to say ‘Oh! You live close by to this (organised social) – are you going to be there tonight?’ I wrote back and I said …yes, I was planning on attending. How very flattering that I’m such an afterthought though, and I added a laughing emoji so he knew it wasn’t that serious.

I was planning on attending to meet up with another friend anyway but I did see him that evening and we had a brief conversation. It was lovely to meet him. Some people don’t look anything at all like their photos, some people can’t bridge online communication with in person communication. But that wasn’t the case here. I really enjoyed meeting him. After we met up, I sent him a message letting him know that I’d enjoyed meeting up and was curious to know what interest he had in seeing me again?

He didn’t respond. And then several weeks later it comes up again in a roundabout way and I told him I asked about his interest in me and there was no response? To which he said he’d been out of the country on business and still he provided no direct response regarding his interest in me in either direction.

Then! I posted a new picture of me in the place where we’ve been messaging. And he sends me a very suggestive message. To myself I think, oh okay. Guess that answers the question about his interest in me and we do engage in some flirty messages. At one point he says ‘should I just pop over then?’ and I said no, but at a more suitable time and place I’d say yes… And in response to this he says something non-committal and the conversation comes to an end.

Weeks after this, I post another picture and he sends me another vaguely suggestive message and that’s when I told him he’s a strange one.

Because my messaging is inconsistent, he asks? I guess, I reply. But that’s only part of it. The other half is that you’ve done nothing or avoided times where I’ve said ‘let’s move this forward’ Our initial conversation ended because there was no solid plans made. He met me at that social but didn’t respond to me afterwards about me suggesting plans. We engage in some spicy discussion and I said ‘let’s meet up at another time and place’ but he doesn’t take me up on my offer.

In the end I said it feels like either you’re not that into me or you are into me but only as an online distraction? And he tried to be very direct at that point and be like, should we meet up for a drink? in a bar? in a bar in a hotel room in case we want to move things forward? When?

And I had to tell him I don’t think our communication styles or our directness in terms of what we want is aligned. So no. But good luck.

It was a lesson in frustration more than anything else. But there’s no way that I would accept this sort of inconsistency and lack of clarity about his interest in me. Anyone’s interest in me. If someone wants to date me or fuck me, just be clearer about it. I don’t mind being direct about my interest in someone else but I can only take that so far and this many near-misses just makes me certain that a level of miscommunication and lack of clarity will continue to happen. And continue to send me bonkers.

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Therapist Thread

March 20, 2026

relationships
I’m on Twitter or Threads or Bluesky or any of those things. Or at least I’m not actively on them. My Instagram cross posts things to Threads and sometimes I get notifications on my Insta that people have liked my posts on Threads or it will recommend a thread from someone I follow. But I almost never click on them. In a past life I used to love Twitter. And then just as quickly I fell out of love with it and deleted most social media apps off my phone.

But the other day, I was curious. So I logged into Threads and as expected my feed was full of stuff that I had no interest in and from people I didn’t know. I was completely disengaged. But in that moment I thought ‘but maybe there’ll be something here that is worthwhile’

And that’s when I came across this thread from a Therapy account called therapistalks and I didn’t take much notice of the first thread but it came with a list and three of the lists hit me like a sledgehammer.

The first one said this:
1. When someone goes quiet, do I assume they’re losing interest instead of simply living their life? Silence feels threatening when consistency was never promised to you.
And the way I felt when I read that. I had to take a really big breath in and let it out slowly.

I’ve almost never thought silence from someone just meant living their lives. I think the beginning tweet on this one was something about inconsistency? Anxious attachment? And this is something I’m really trying to work on.

I wish I could go back and ask people ‘if I don’t hear from you, is it because of disinterest? or some other reasonable explanation?’ instead of just jumping to my own conclusions and potentially sabotaging things I’ve had with people. I wish I could be more straightforward and direct in how I’m feeling. I wish I could tell people what I feel in a way so that I’ll be heard and understood.

Instead, I’m going to try to inch closer to where I’d like to be.
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You never really committed

March 19, 2026

relationships

I’ve been watching The Good Doctor on Netflix recently. Despite it being a medical drama, it feels fairly low stakes. I don’t think I’m ever that concerned about people dying or making mistakes or things going wrong. All of those things do happen but it feels like the medical side of things is just a vehicle for a bunch of characters to process life together.

I’ve just started season 3 and one of the episodes I watched recently was about two people talking. One says to the other that he never really committed in relationships, he didn’t allow himself to be vulnerable with others, he never let other people in. And that one scene is the reason I watch anything. Because it’s about this specific character. But it could be about me.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot. That despite being married my entire adult life I don’t think I ever really let my ex husband in. Not really. He probably knows me better than anyone else but that’s because of proximity mostly. That isn’t by design. I never really talked about my feelings with him, I never let him into my memories or experiences. We were just two people living together, sharing the remote and coasting through our relationship together.

I wanted to write that I have let one person in. I wanted to write that I was vulnerable with him. That I committed myself to that relationship.

But I don’t think that’s true. And I think he knew it too. He brought it up once. He asked if the situation he was in meant that I felt like I could be more open knowing that there was less risk. I probably attempted to talk him out of that being the case. But I don’t think he was wrong. I loved him. And I loved him in the biggest way I could. But I knew that it was restricted to the confines of what we were and maybe that did allow for some safety. For a bubble for me to be in with him.

I think I’m too afraid to do that with another person. With another person that has the full capacity to be with me fully. But I don’t want to be afraid of that.

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