It’s taken me awhile to write this blog post. Usually I have an idea in my head before I write a blog post about something I want to convey, or discuss. Sometimes it’s a question that I’m pondering myself. But there’s usually an idea.

And for this one I’m just not sure. Which I think just goes back to how uncertain and up in the air the reality is.

A few weeks ago, I ended things with my on/off person.

He’d already told me previously about a change in his schedule that would make meeting up harder. There are already imbalances in our relationship that I struggle with. One of those imbalances obviously being that I have feelings for him and he does not return them. But that is just one imbalance. On the day it happened, I asked him if he’d be free the following Monday evening?

He said ‘no’ straightaway.

There was a reason, it wasn’t just a ‘nah, don’t really fancy it’ sort of thing. But something inside of me broke. It’s not that I thought it was unfair or that I was upset that he’d already had plans. It wasn’t that. It was more that I thought ‘how much more of this can I take?’

I feel an enormous amount of rejection every time he says ‘no’ no matter his reason for saying no. Most of the times he’s said ‘no’ have been because of work. Work is important, yo. None of us can be giving up work! So I understand those reasons. But also, he doesn’t ever have to face the rejection of me saying ‘no’ to him because he doesn’t ask me things. He doesn’t put himself out there in the way that I do. He’s never said ‘Monday evening doesn’t work but what about XYZ?’

Until I wrote that I hadn’t even been aware that it isn’t just imbalances. It’s a lack of effort. He’ll take what I offer but won’t offer anything in return.

So I said to him that I wouldn’t be able to make offers again. For him to come over. For us to have sex. After I said it, I wondered if maybe I wasn’t as clear as I thought I was. But even in that moment I was sure he understood. We said things to each other that sounded like we were saying our goodbyes. He understood what I meant.

And I cried.

But it didn’t end there. Because messaging seemed to resume as normal. We’ve always been friends and had many topics of conversation that we fall back on. But it didn’t stop at the usual. He sent me a video of something (non-sexual) that I’d mentioned I’d love to see way before things ended. And he sent it to me. And I thought …I love that he shared this with me. But also what does it mean?

And then he came to my house even though there isn’t anything on my road except me that he might be after. And my stupid heart thought ‘Is this him trying?’ Is this him making some attempt at showing me something? But what is it? What is he saying with this? What does it mean?

And it probably doesn’t mean anything. He probably isn’t saying anything with it. And I maybe need to stop being so hopeful about everything especially when that hope hurts me.

About a week after we saw each other last I brought it up again. Awkwardly. I said ‘hey, you know I ended things between us, right?’ To which he said yeah, he got that. And conversation continued.

I guess I’m not really sure what I want. I think the confusion on my part is more about expectations. I had the big feeling, I made the brave decision to voice that. Made a decision. And I guess I was braced for impact after that. But there’s been no impact. There’s even been many, many orgasms.

Do I want things to change? I’m not good with clean breaks and that’s rarely a good option for me. But is this friendship doing me good or doing me harm? Are there still expectations there to start up a sexual relationship again? I hadn’t expected that but maybe the one time was a blip?

I don’t know. It feels messy because it is messy. But I don’t feel equipped to navigate myself out of the mess. I think I might just stay here? In some of the confusion until I better work out how I feel about it.