Category: relationships

Details

July 30, 2026

relationships

I said to a friend recently that sometimes I write these blog posts partly to be able to process my thoughts and feelings about things that have happened but partly to remember what happened. Sometimes the details of things just fly out of my head.

I saw on social media, you might have seen it too? A video where someone had gotten 20 random strangers together and paired them off to kiss. It was so magical to watch. There was something so captivating about their awkwardness, that some of them used humour to diffuse the situation, watching them touch each other, look into each other’s eyes and then kiss. The first day I came across that video I watched it several times in a row, and then if I came across it again in the next few days I’d watch it again.

I sent the video to my ex, to my on/off person, to other friends. It felt like a video that needed sharing. It was so beautiful to watch.

And somehow on the back of it I realised that I couldn’t remember what my first ‘proper’ kiss was with my on/off person. I remember our first kiss after we met that first time. Close mouthed and rushed and left me wanting something a bit different.

But (and was it because I didn’t write about it?) I don’t recall what our first real kiss was like. I have an idea in my head based on kisses I do remember that it was probably a bit like me throwing my entire body at him and devouring his mouth with mine. But it was killing me to not know for sure.

So I asked him. We talked about it. I don’t know if he remembered and just didn’t want to let on that he remembered after I’d told him I didn’t remember it at all. But what was lovely is that we talked all around that second date where we met up and had this kiss. I told him all of the things I was thinking, the things I remembered he had said or that I had said.

I even went for a walk that same day wearing the same dress I wore that day and the same shoes. Hoping, I guess, that by cosplaying the event I might remember more about it. But I didn’t. Some things just aren’t for remembering. And that’s one of them.

It was fun trying though. To relieve the memories I did have. Looking back at myself from two years ago. Thinking about how different she was to the me of now. How I still so badly want to kiss him after all this time.

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I’m Still Here if A little Heart Hurt

July 27, 2026

relationships

I haven’t felt like updating this blog in awhile. You might have noticed.

It was a combination of a lot of things. A sinking depression about the state of my love life was the first thing. Work piling on the stress and bullshit. This thing with my car had a new little wrinkle to the drama of it. My mother died.

And somewhere in all of that, I didn’t quite feel like scraping across my thoughts on what does this text mean? or the back and forth saga of me and my on/off person. I’m not sure if I’m quite in the headspace yet for writing even now but something happened and it was the first thing that made me really think ‘I’ll write about that’

And usually when I think that it’s because I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand it more. I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand myself more.

I have a list that I keep on my phone called ‘Blog Post Ideas’ which I haven’t updated in more than a month. There’s currently 13 ideas listed there but one of them said ‘I miss him – cried over him today’

And I guess that’s what I wanted to write about today.

Because that happened. Probably a month ago, maybe longer as it’s more in the middle of the list and more recent ideas came later than that. Of course I didn’t write any other detail. At the time I figured ‘cried over him today’ was as much detail as I needed so I can’t even begin to wonder what made me cry over him.

But I know what happened this past week that made my heart hurt enough that I pressed my hand to my chest and had to take a couple of really deep breaths to breath through the sting of it all.

He forgot my birthday.

I give him grace more than anybody ever. So when he didn’t message on my birthday itself I remembered a previous year when he thought my birthday was the day after so I told myself he’ll remember, it’ll just be a day late.

And then the next day passed. And even though I didn’t want to, I sent him a message. My message wasn’t specifically about my birthday but it was deliberately sent to prompt him to recall that I am still here. And that it was my birthday.

And he responded and made no mention of it.

And it’s fine. He isn’t required to remember my birthday. He has a full life and other things more important on his mind.

But I did have a little cry this morning about it when his message did come in. Only a little one. Because it’s just another reminder of how far away we are from each other. I’m not the first thing on his mind, he’s not the first thing on mine. And that’s how it should be. I’m just a little sad about it.

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My Worst Fear

June 17, 2026

relationships

I’ve been really stressed lately. I only just realised when I started writing this post that once before I was really stressed and what I ended up doing was going into an old school chatroom. To let the words wash over me, to distract myself from the stressful thing in my life. And on the back of going to that chatroom I met people that were important to me.

That isn’t what I was going to write about today, but that is interesting. I’m going through a stressful time right now, and probably because of it, I’ve been going more into the chatroom connected to the website I use where I met my on/off person.

And this thing happened a few weeks ago.

I was in this room, and I was using the cams. And I saw his name added to the list of people in the room. And I started smiling thinking of the previous times he and I have been in the same chatroom together, the messages he sent me. The time I laughed at the thing he messaged me. It was nice.

That didn’t happen though.

He came in and out of the chatroom for more than an hour. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t click to view my cam. Obviously I can’t see if he clicked on anyone else’s cam but he seemed to leave when the other woman on cam switched off her cam and left.

And I was in a state over it.

It felt like my worst fear. That he only ever meets me or messages me when there are no other better options.

And I hate feeling like that. I decided in that moment that I would archive our message thread on Whatsapp. And that I wouldn’t message him again until he messaged first.

I’ve said that to myself before.

But this time I had that awful feeling that still lingered on me. The disrespect of it, the horrible way I felt about him not acknowledging me, that he didn’t message me. I was not under any illusion that he hadn’t seen me there. If I knew he was in the room, he knew I was in the room.

So that was it. A line drawn.

Eventually, he did message me. I don’t remember what he said. Something fairly casual and inoffensive. Hi, how are you? perhaps. And when I saw he’d messaged me (hours after he sent the message because it was in my archived folder), I did consider my options.

Deleting it. Ignoring him. Responding as if nothing happened.

But in the end I said oh, hi. And then immediately said I actually came across you the other day? We were both in the chatrooms for well over an hour at the same time…?

And we talked about it. I said it hurt my feelings. That he didn’t acknowledge my presence, that he didn’t say anything. And I was proud of myself for not letting it go. He apologised and even though it didn’t feel like enough, it felt like enough for right then. And our conversation continued.

We weren’t in the same chatroom again for several weeks. But when we were, he said in the main chat ‘Nice dress, Em’ and I couldn’t stop smiling for the next half hour.

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Wedding Songs

June 12, 2026

relationships

I don’t usually think about my wedding. Or which songs featured in either the wedding ceremony or the video that was created.

But the other day, I did happen to hear one of the songs that featured in my wedding and it made me think. And remember.

My ex husband had some strong thoughts about what our ‘first dance’ song should be. What it shouldn’t be. What music should be played at the reception. What music should be played during the intro to our wedding video. At one point he said I should choose a song for the video that made me think of him.

And I panicked. It wasn’t that I didn’t have music that made me think of him, I just wasn’t old enough to feel confident in my decisions. I wasn’t sure of myself and my own taste in music to make that decision. I didn’t think much about it at the time and I told him a song that I thought he’d like. And I remember he had this look on his face like I’d disappointed him.

But if I really stop and think about it, he disappointed me too. I was too young for it. I think he was too young for it too but he’d had 6 more years to figure himself out and what he wanted, who he was. And I didn’t have that time.

I think it’s these little things that strike me now as so important. That I didn’t know myself enough to know which songs represent me, him, us well enough really means that I wasn’t ready to get married.

I listen to that song now and it doesn’t make me think of my ex-husband at all. It makes me think of baby-me, making big adult decisions. Scared and alone and unsure of herself. I wish I’d looked out for her better.

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Out Of Reach

June 10, 2026

relationships

I was feeling a bit miserable the other day.

Maybe that’s an understatement? But you may have noticed that I didn’t update this blog for several weeks and that’s because of some ongoing stresses in my life.

And at the time of feeling just a little bit glum I had a thought and that thought was…

What I want feels so out of reach

I pretty much just stayed on that one thought for a bit. But when I started to examine the thought closer I did ask myself, what is it that I want?

And I knew in answering that question that it felt easier to remain within the easy answer. I had a whole long list. I want to lose 30lbs. I want a new job. I want a higher salary. I want time away from work. I want my kid to do well academically. I want my car to be sorted. I want to be on holiday. I want regular sex.

And as my brain was churning out these answers rapid-fire, I knew that I was only skimming the surface. And it’s true. I want all of these things. And most of them do seem out of reach. The job market is slow in my area, I might not get a new job with a higher salary any time soon. My car thing is going to be ongoing for at least a few more months. It isn’t easy to lose 30lbs without some hard work.

But I knew if I answered the question on a deeper level I’d be answering the question very differently.

And when I started to think about it, I did start to cry. All those surface-level answers would make things easier in my life. But it wouldn’t change my core feeling of loneliness.

Because the feeling of what I want being out of reach is less about my job and how much money I earn and more to do with the fact that I don’t feel like I have people in my life to share things with. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams. Funny memes or interesting stories I come across. The gossip from work or book club or whatever. And that’s really what I’m missing. Both friendship, companionship.

But also that emotional connection to others. Where you feel like you really know a person, like they really know you. I miss that. I don’t feel like I have that.

And it feels really out of reach to change that.

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Late Night Chat

May 21, 2026

relationships

I’m still really into my on/off person.

I was having a stressful time of it awhile back (and incidentally, I still am) and I couldn’t sleep. So this website that he and I both use has a chatroom feature. I’d never been into it before but I’ve been no stranger to chatrooms in the past. I thought it could be fun, if nothing else to have a chance to talk to people, vent possibly.

And so I was in this chatroom late at night. All of a sudden I get a notification on my phone:

You are on cam?

I was a bit startled and confused. I’d known that he’d used the cam chat rooms before but I hadn’t ever expected to see him at the same time I was on. Especially not at midnight on a Saturday.

And that one text started off a three hour conversation. And it was lovely. Early on he asked if I was okay and I ignored the question but he circled back round to it. But conversation carried on. And it was easy, friendly.

He said something I found incredibly funny and even though I usually do my best to not talk or make much noise while I was using the cams I did let out a little laugh, and he heard it and mentioned it.

And making me laugh? It’s such a turn-on for me. Especially by people like him where we’ve already established an emotional connection, where I already know there’s something there between us.

And I like that he can easily make me laugh. I like that he was able to see me at midnight on a Saturday. That he could hear me laughing at something he’s said. That it felt really natural to message for three hours in the middle of the night.

When he said he was going to get some sleep I told him when I first started talking to him that it all felt really nice and I ended up thinking wouldn’t it be great if we could go for a coffee somewhere together soon, maybe even later that day? I told him that I was going to ask him if we wanted to get a coffee sometime but then we chatted for three hours. But he still responded:

We should get a coffee in soon

And that made me smile too.

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Absence of Physical Touch

May 19, 2026

relationships

I was talking to someone the other day and I said I’ve just had a really good hug. But that I had been on the train home after that and I thought

… fuck, do I miss sex because it’s literally the only time anyone touches me?!

It’s a sobering thought.

My ex husband both my children are (probably) neurodivergent and none of them enjoy physical contact. My ex husband told me decades ago to stop holding his hand. In the bed we shared there was an invisible line down the middle of it and if I ever crossed that invisible line he’d remind me by saying ‘you’re encroaching’ (those were the actual words he’d used and he had said that exact thing to me hundreds of times!) So I’ve spent my entire adult life completely devoid of phsyical touch.

During lockdown I heard other people use the term ‘touch starved’ because they hadn’t gone such long periods of time without being hugged or touched. It just became a term that defined what I’d always lived with. It never got easier though. I think part of the reason I got a dog was to have something to lavish a bunch of attention and affection and. And to get it in return.

But going back to this thought.

It’s an interesting one. Do I crave sex generally? or do I crave physical touch? I don’t know, is the answer. It’s probably both. But I did ask this person, what if I were one of those people surrounded by touchy feely people, where my life was full of hugs, and touching? Would that make me a different person? Would be sex drive decrease because I was already getting some of my physical needs met? Or would my sex drive increase because of all the reminders of how pleasurable touch can be?

I guess I’ll never know. Or maybe I will in some distant fantasy future where I’m not quite so touch starved.

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For Him

May 5, 2026

relationships

What did you really think of me when we first met?

When I pointed at which car was mine and you said ‘oh nice’ what did that actually mean?

Did you give me that horrible closed mouth kiss when we first met because you weren’t that interested? or because you were trying to be respectful?

Do you think things would have been different if I didn’t have to leave right away that time we met at Waterstones?

Did you notice that you changed, that you stopped being so open with me after a certain point? I always thought it was because of work and whatever stress you had going on in your life but I guess that was me making assumptions and I never really asked you?

Were you really never jealous at all when I met other people? Not even once? You said you never were but I guess I was hoping that wasn’t always accurate?

How did you feel when I told you I had feelings for you? I know what you said, but how did you feel about it?

Why didn’t things just end then? Did you think it maybe should have? Did you ever consider how it made me feel when you told me you didn’t feel the same way?

Do you care about me at all?

Do you think that maybe some of what you do feel for me is closer to having feelings? Or is it 100% accurate that you really just don’t feel anything for me at all?

I hated that you acted so jealous when she met someone else instead of you, did you know that?

Why do you remember things I tell you?

Is work just a handy excuse for you? Because I’m fairly sure anyone could respond or at least not leave someone on read as many times as you have to me and still maintain busy, pressurised work?

Why did you drive to my house that time? and take your work call a minute from my house?

That time I thought I had cancer and you were really sweet and kept checking in, that was less about me and more about past trauma in your own life, wasn’t it?

Do you think about me at all when we’re not messaging?

What did you think when you read my blog? or when you read the poems I wrote about you? or the story I wrote?

Has this all been because you think I’m too much? or that I feel too much?

Why do you look at my profile?

Why do you remember who I’ve met?

Why have you really never writtten me a verification?

Are you embarrassed or ashamed about knowing me? of having a sexual relationship with me?

Do you think that if you left me a verification that it might hurt your chances with other women that you are actually interested in?

What did you think when I told you I’d gotten you a Christmas gift?

Why have you been so weird about not accepting it?

Did you tell me that maybe sometime we could meet up socially for a coffee or to go for a walk or whatever just because that’s what I wanted? Or was it true? And you actually wanted to do those things?

Why have you never told me where you lived? Or invited me to your place? Do you really not trust me that much?

Did you feel anything when I said things had to end?

Do you know how much it hurt me that you were talking about ‘putting yourself out there’ with other people when we’d literally just ended because you never put in the effort with me?

Are you only being polite when I’ve messaged you because you don’t know how to tell me what you want?

Why do you not know what you want?

Why have you never asked yourself that?

Why do I think answers to any of these questions would help?

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I’m Angry

May 1, 2026

relationships

I’ve realised something. And what I’ve realised is that I’m really angry.

Because of the way I was raised, I find it difficult to recognise or become angry. And that anger is usually a sign that I’m protecting myself, giving myself more boundaries. So I’ve also liked my (recent) anger.

But sometimes I don’t understand what exactly I’m angry about. Because it wasn’t something I did until recently I’m still trying to figure out more about it. And in this instance, it’s taken me quite some time to work out what exactly has gotten me so riled up.

But I’ve got it now.

I know that my on/off person is quite clearly a topic that I return to again and again. And that is true with conversation with friends and people that know me. I get a lot out of talking through my problems or my emotions on any particular topic. I enjoy the process of understanding myself or a situation better through discussing things with others.

But I’ve realised that what’s gotten me so riled up lately is that I’m angry with those around me that don’t listen or centre my feelings when I’m talking about him. I’ll bring up something and they’ll use their own judgement or personal experiences to tell me what they think I should do about him or about that relationship.

And it pisses me off.

There’s probably only been one person, maybe ever, that’s listened to me talk about him and put my feelings first. Or asked me what I want to do about it, or how I feel about things. With everyone else it just feels like people are just waiting for me to stop speaking before jumping in with ‘you should do this’ or ‘you should definitely not do this’ and it feels suffocating.

It’s taken me awhile for me to realise but I think it’s been harming my friendships for quite some time. I feel like I can’t discuss things openly, I feel like they’ll judge me for how I feel or what I do about things.

And I don’t need that in my life. I don’t want or need people who will only support me if I do what they suggest. Or when I do what I want to do and get hurt (again) they’ll think ‘see? told you so’

I’m a big girl. I know myself. And I know that sometimes my decision making around him is questionable. And I know that I get hurt by things. But why can’t other people accept that I’m doing what I can and that it’s me taking that risk and nobody else?

Am I wrong?

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On a Him Diet

April 27, 2026

relationships

I’ve been reading up about it a little bit. Trying to find some good advice about how to move on. And I’ve read a lot of things that make me fairly convinced that what I’m actually feeling is an addiction to the highs and lows of his inconsistency. And what’s worse, the highs and lows aren’t the sex (highs) or the lack of communication (lows) – but me thinking I’m worthy/enough/sexy/desirable when he messages me (highs) and thinking I’m not those things when he doesn’t message me (lows).

With that in mind, I said to someone recently that I’m on a diet from him.

I’m trying to stop checking my phone for notifications from him. I’m trying to stop checking when he’s been online last. My worth is not tied to how often he messages me. And I’m trying to believe that during periods of lows.

When we were still messaging, I tried to wait as long as possible before responding to him instead of sending an instant reply. I was trying then and I’m still not sending the first message. I’m not ruling out ever messaging him again, I just need a break for right now. To give myself this time to breathe. At the time of writing, it has been 11 days since we messaged. I think that might be the longest we’ve ever gone. Usually down to me. And it’s helping.

Having written all that, I can tell you that I’ve been shit at this stupid diet. I often post music lyrics in status updates on the website we use. He’s brought it up in the status updates in the past and we’d talk about music. And I realised over the last two weeks, I’ve been posting more lyrics in the secret hope that it would lead to success in that same area. But, what probably didn’t help is that the music I’ve been relating to more lately has been of heartbreak, of loss, of missing someone. So that’s probably not a likely topic for him to want to discuss!

I think progress is in baby steps for me. I need time and I need to keep exercising this muscle. The one that helps control my need for my next fix for him and also the one that reminds me that I’m fucking great all on my own.

I’ll get there.

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