I don’t usually think about my wedding. Or which songs featured in either the wedding ceremony or the video that was created.

But the other day, I did happen to hear one of the songs that featured in my wedding and it made me think. And remember.

My ex husband had some strong thoughts about what our ‘first dance’ song should be. What it shouldn’t be. What music should be played at the reception. What music should be played during the intro to our wedding video. At one point he said I should choose a song for the video that made me think of him.

And I panicked. It wasn’t that I didn’t have music that made me think of him, I just wasn’t old enough to feel confident in my decisions. I wasn’t sure of myself and my own taste in music to make that decision. I didn’t think much about it at the time and I told him a song that I thought he’d like. And I remember he had this look on his face like I’d disappointed him.

But if I really stop and think about it, he disappointed me too. I was too young for it. I think he was too young for it too but he’d had 6 more years to figure himself out and what he wanted, who he was. And I didn’t have that time.

I think it’s these little things that strike me now as so important. That I didn’t know myself enough to know which songs represent me, him, us well enough really means that I wasn’t ready to get married.

I listen to that song now and it doesn’t make me think of my ex-husband at all. It makes me think of baby-me, making big adult decisions. Scared and alone and unsure of herself. I wish I’d looked out for her better.