I was feeling a bit miserable the other day.

Maybe that’s an understatement? But you may have noticed that I didn’t update this blog for several weeks and that’s because of some ongoing stresses in my life.

And at the time of feeling just a little bit glum I had a thought and that thought was…

What I want feels so out of reach

I pretty much just stayed on that one thought for a bit. But when I started to examine the thought closer I did ask myself, what is it that I want?

And I knew in answering that question that it felt easier to remain within the easy answer. I had a whole long list. I want to lose 30lbs. I want a new job. I want a higher salary. I want time away from work. I want my kid to do well academically. I want my car to be sorted. I want to be on holiday. I want regular sex.

And as my brain was churning out these answers rapid-fire, I knew that I was only skimming the surface. And it’s true. I want all of these things. And most of them do seem out of reach. The job market is slow in my area, I might not get a new job with a higher salary any time soon. My car thing is going to be ongoing for at least a few more months. It isn’t easy to lose 30lbs without some hard work.

But I knew if I answered the question on a deeper level I’d be answering the question very differently.

And when I started to think about it, I did start to cry. All those surface-level answers would make things easier in my life. But it wouldn’t change my core feeling of loneliness.

Because the feeling of what I want being out of reach is less about my job and how much money I earn and more to do with the fact that I don’t feel like I have people in my life to share things with. My thoughts, my feelings, my hopes and dreams. Funny memes or interesting stories I come across. The gossip from work or book club or whatever. And that’s really what I’m missing. Both friendship, companionship.

But also that emotional connection to others. Where you feel like you really know a person, like they really know you. I miss that. I don’t feel like I have that.

And it feels really out of reach to change that.