I was talking to someone the other day and I said I’ve just had a really good hug. But that I had been on the train home after that and I thought

… fuck, do I miss sex because it’s literally the only time anyone touches me?!

It’s a sobering thought.

My ex husband both my children are (probably) neurodivergent and none of them enjoy physical contact. My ex husband told me decades ago to stop holding his hand. In the bed we shared there was an invisible line down the middle of it and if I ever crossed that invisible line he’d remind me by saying ‘you’re encroaching’ (those were the actual words he’d used and he had said that exact thing to me hundreds of times!) So I’ve spent my entire adult life completely devoid of phsyical touch.

During lockdown I heard other people use the term ‘touch starved’ because they hadn’t gone such long periods of time without being hugged or touched. It just became a term that defined what I’d always lived with. It never got easier though. I think part of the reason I got a dog was to have something to lavish a bunch of attention and affection and. And to get it in return.

But going back to this thought.

It’s an interesting one. Do I crave sex generally? or do I crave physical touch? I don’t know, is the answer. It’s probably both. But I did ask this person, what if I were one of those people surrounded by touchy feely people, where my life was full of hugs, and touching? Would that make me a different person? Would be sex drive decrease because I was already getting some of my physical needs met? Or would my sex drive increase because of all the reminders of how pleasurable touch can be?

I guess I’ll never know. Or maybe I will in some distant fantasy future where I’m not quite so touch starved.