I haven’t felt like updating this blog in awhile. You might have noticed.

It was a combination of a lot of things. A sinking depression about the state of my love life was the first thing. Work piling on the stress and bullshit. This thing with my car had a new little wrinkle to the drama of it. My mother died.

And somewhere in all of that, I didn’t quite feel like scraping across my thoughts on what does this text mean? or the back and forth saga of me and my on/off person. I’m not sure if I’m quite in the headspace yet for writing even now but something happened and it was the first thing that made me really think ‘I’ll write about that’

And usually when I think that it’s because I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand it more. I’m hoping that in the process of writing about a thing I’ll understand myself more.

I have a list that I keep on my phone called ‘Blog Post Ideas’ which I haven’t updated in more than a month. There’s currently 13 ideas listed there but one of them said ‘I miss him – cried over him today’

And I guess that’s what I wanted to write about today.

Because that happened. Probably a month ago, maybe longer as it’s more in the middle of the list and more recent ideas came later than that. Of course I didn’t write any other detail. At the time I figured ‘cried over him today’ was as much detail as I needed so I can’t even begin to wonder what made me cry over him.

But I know what happened this past week that made my heart hurt enough that I pressed my hand to my chest and had to take a couple of really deep breaths to breath through the sting of it all.

He forgot my birthday.

I give him grace more than anybody ever. So when he didn’t message on my birthday itself I remembered a previous year when he thought my birthday was the day after so I told myself he’ll remember, it’ll just be a day late.

And then the next day passed. And even though I didn’t want to, I sent him a message. My message wasn’t specifically about my birthday but it was deliberately sent to prompt him to recall that I am still here. And that it was my birthday.

And he responded and made no mention of it.

And it’s fine. He isn’t required to remember my birthday. He has a full life and other things more important on his mind.

But I did have a little cry this morning about it when his message did come in. Only a little one. Because it’s just another reminder of how far away we are from each other. I’m not the first thing on his mind, he’s not the first thing on mine. And that’s how it should be. I’m just a little sad about it.