I’ve been reading up about it a little bit. Trying to find some good advice about how to move on. And I’ve read a lot of things that make me fairly convinced that what I’m actually feeling is an addiction to the highs and lows of his inconsistency. And what’s worse, the highs and lows aren’t the sex (highs) or the lack of communication (lows) – but me thinking I’m worthy/enough/sexy/desirable when he messages me (highs) and thinking I’m not those things when he doesn’t message me (lows).

With that in mind, I said to someone recently that I’m on a diet from him.

I’m trying to stop checking my phone for notifications from him. I’m trying to stop checking when he’s been online last. My worth is not tied to how often he messages me. And I’m trying to believe that during periods of lows.

When we were still messaging, I tried to wait as long as possible before responding to him instead of sending an instant reply. I was trying then and I’m still not sending the first message. I’m not ruling out ever messaging him again, I just need a break for right now. To give myself this time to breathe. At the time of writing, it has been 11 days since we messaged. I think that might be the longest we’ve ever gone. Usually down to me. And it’s helping.

Having written all that, I can tell you that I’ve been shit at this stupid diet. I often post music lyrics in status updates on the website we use. He’s brought it up in the status updates in the past and we’d talk about music. And I realised over the last two weeks, I’ve been posting more lyrics in the secret hope that it would lead to success in that same area. But, what probably didn’t help is that the music I’ve been relating to more lately has been of heartbreak, of loss, of missing someone. So that’s probably not a likely topic for him to want to discuss!

I think progress is in baby steps for me. I need time and I need to keep exercising this muscle. The one that helps control my need for my next fix for him and also the one that reminds me that I’m fucking great all on my own.

I’ll get there.