Category: sex

Masturbation Habits

April 30, 2026

sex

It’s been awhile since I overshared about my masturbation habits, hasn’t it? Here we go.

I forgot to update this blog with a change in my circumstances in this area! The last I’d mentioned, I was having a type of sexual dysfunction in that for a solid two years (it was technically longer than two years! for a relationship that lasted for 14 months) I was unable to orgasm through masturbation. This was following the end of my relationship with my ex. Two years! That is a ridiculous amount of time to not be able to pleasure myself.

But two and a bit years later … I managed it. At first the orgasms were so little and barely pleasurable that I continued to doubt that they’d even happened. And then when the orgasms got bigger, more noticeable I kept thinking that it all might just be temporary. I don’t want to tell anyone just yet.

I told my on/off person though. I think I actually sent him a voice note, my voice sharing in this excitement and sort of wonder and surprise that I’d finally done it. I wasn’t broken anymore.

It happened again. And again. And again. Until I could finally believe completely that it was real. That whatever mental or emotional block that had been in place had gone and I could finally reconnect to my own body. It was glorious. I remember one day where I managed three separate orgasms and I laid in my bed tired but pleased. Sated.

But it was short-lived. I don’t think there was any connection with this orgasm thing and me ending things with my on/off person. But a couple of weeks after, things did end. And I didn’t think much about it. Like I said, I hadn’t thought there was a reason that the two could be linked. After things ended, I hadn’t wanted to masturbate anyway. Then I got my period and when that finished it took me awhile to get back to a place where I fancied masturbating.

But then I did. Once. A couple of times. And I knew I still felt sad. I knew it wasn’t a ‘let me masturbate because I’m in the mood and could do with a release’ it was more of a ‘let me masturbate because I feel miserable and I’m desperate to feel good again, even momentarily’ and I tried … and I cried one of the times. The other two times I mostly just gave up. I know my body well enough to know when I’m fighting a losing battle.

I gave myself some grace after that. And when I thought I’m doing this because I want it and not to fill some gaping emotional hole, I tried it again.

And do you know what happened? I did cry that time too. But I cried after I had the orgasm. And as tears were leaking down my face I thought ending things with him was the right thing to do. I’m sad that someone I built a connection with over the last few years is over. But I’m not sad enough to let it interfere with my pleasure. Not this time.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks. And my orgasm to masturbation ratio isn’t completely consistent but I put that down to my mood. And I know that it will be temporary.

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Messy Endings

April 14, 2026

relationships, sex

It’s taken me awhile to write this blog post. Usually I have an idea in my head before I write a blog post about something I want to convey, or discuss. Sometimes it’s a question that I’m pondering myself. But there’s usually an idea.

And for this one I’m just not sure. Which I think just goes back to how uncertain and up in the air the reality is.

A few weeks ago, I ended things with my on/off person.

He’d already told me previously about a change in his schedule that would make meeting up harder. There are already imbalances in our relationship that I struggle with. One of those imbalances obviously being that I have feelings for him and he does not return them. But that is just one imbalance. On the day it happened, I asked him if he’d be free the following Monday evening?

He said ‘no’ straightaway.

There was a reason, it wasn’t just a ‘nah, don’t really fancy it’ sort of thing. But something inside of me broke. It’s not that I thought it was unfair or that I was upset that he’d already had plans. It wasn’t that. It was more that I thought ‘how much more of this can I take?’

I feel an enormous amount of rejection every time he says ‘no’ no matter his reason for saying no. Most of the times he’s said ‘no’ have been because of work. Work is important, yo. None of us can be giving up work! So I understand those reasons. But also, he doesn’t ever have to face the rejection of me saying ‘no’ to him because he doesn’t ask me things. He doesn’t put himself out there in the way that I do. He’s never said ‘Monday evening doesn’t work but what about XYZ?’

Until I wrote that I hadn’t even been aware that it isn’t just imbalances. It’s a lack of effort. He’ll take what I offer but won’t offer anything in return.

So I said to him that I wouldn’t be able to make offers again. For him to come over. For us to have sex. After I said it, I wondered if maybe I wasn’t as clear as I thought I was. But even in that moment I was sure he understood. We said things to each other that sounded like we were saying our goodbyes. He understood what I meant.

And I cried.

But it didn’t end there. Because messaging seemed to resume as normal. We’ve always been friends and had many topics of conversation that we fall back on. But it didn’t stop at the usual. He sent me a video of something (non-sexual) that I’d mentioned I’d love to see way before things ended. And he sent it to me. And I thought …I love that he shared this with me. But also what does it mean?

And then he came to my house even though there isn’t anything on my road except me that he might be after. And my stupid heart thought ‘Is this him trying?’ Is this him making some attempt at showing me something? But what is it? What is he saying with this? What does it mean?

And it probably doesn’t mean anything. He probably isn’t saying anything with it. And I maybe need to stop being so hopeful about everything especially when that hope hurts me.

About a week after we saw each other last I brought it up again. Awkwardly. I said ‘hey, you know I ended things between us, right?’ To which he said yeah, he got that. And conversation continued.

I guess I’m not really sure what I want. I think the confusion on my part is more about expectations. I had the big feeling, I made the brave decision to voice that. Made a decision. And I guess I was braced for impact after that. But there’s been no impact. There’s even been many, many orgasms.

Do I want things to change? I’m not good with clean breaks and that’s rarely a good option for me. But is this friendship doing me good or doing me harm? Are there still expectations there to start up a sexual relationship again? I hadn’t expected that but maybe the one time was a blip?

I don’t know. It feels messy because it is messy. But I don’t feel equipped to navigate myself out of the mess. I think I might just stay here? In some of the confusion until I better work out how I feel about it.

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Sex Club vol. 2

April 9, 2026

sex

Continuing my experience recently at a sex club. I was there as part of an organised social. I had joined a group chat before the event to try to get to know others but it didn’t really work out that well for me. I found it difficult to find my way in conversation, others seemed to already know each other and have their own jokes. I was considering not going at all but then a woman offered to drive me and I couldn’t say ‘no’

I mostly had a good time. But there were moments where I knew for certain that this wasn’t the place for me.

One of those times was when I felt like sitting down but most of the free chairs in this place were near the ‘private’ rooms where people were having sex but you could still see in the windows. I didn’t know anyone there well enough to watch them have sex so I didn’t fancy sitting there.

So I wandered into the porn cinema on my own. If I wasn’t so shocked I might have laughed but the actual moment that I sat in one of the seats in the cinema a man was RIGHT THERE having followed me in. He asked to get past me but sat in the seat right next to me, looked at me and asked right away ‘Are you playing?’ like the only reason I came into the porn cinema was to wank a strange man off??

No, I said and I did laugh. But I also just got up and left as well. I wasn’t here for servicing any strange men.

I did wander back in later, this time with a group of people that I quickly determined as good people. One of them was the woman who had driven me there. We gave each other space in the cinema but ended up giving our critique of the porn we had been watching.

That’s not nearly enough time spent going down on her

That is one of the driest blowjobs I’ve ever seen

What is going on with that facial expression?

I don’t think I fully believe that she’s just had an orgasm, that looked and sounded fake to me

Who is this meant to appeal to?

I actually had the most fun ever talking and laughing about the porn. And the same man from earlier? He poked his head into the cinema every 5 or so minutes to check if any of us were naked or if anyone was stroking anyone else in the cinema.

Better luck next time.

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Sex Club vol. 1

April 1, 2026

sex

I recently went to an organised social held in a local sex club and several things happened that I thought I would draw out my experience over several different posts (sorry!) I hope readers don’t mind the added description.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about visiting clubs again. I’ve wanted to go again but I knew that I’d prefer to go with someone else. As in not on my own. And I’ve been in need of socialising lately. So when I saw that a localish group were holding a large group social in a sex club I thought … yeah, okay, I will attend that.

I didn’t think I’d be able to. I joined the group chat beforehand but I didn’t feel like I really connected with anybody. And then I had car troubles and thought ‘well, shit, I can’t go now’ – that is until a woman who lives the next town over offered to give me a lift and I thought I can’t turn down this level of generosity. So I ended up going after all.

I really hit it off with the woman who offered to drive me. She’s hilarious and warm and engaging and even though it was a 45 minute drive in both directions, there was no awkwardness or lengthy gaps in conversation. I mostly thought all the way there ‘please let’s be friends!’

We had a tour when we arrived and I needed that. I’d been to this club only once before with my ex. And it had been years (years?!) since that trip. And things had changed. It was interesting to see the changes. A different layout, a place to buy food, a secret corridor only for couples (that wasn’t open the day I went).

There was an icebreaker activity to start with and it allowed me to mingle amongst the other people attending. I didn’t know anybody there, I barely recognised faces and I still struggled with a lot of the names afterwards. But there was one person there that I did recognise.

I had called him ‘my stalker’ to other people – on the website I use, I’d created a forum thread about a particular interest of mine and this man seemed determined to engage me in conversation. He’d send me messages asking about my day, my evening plans, if I wanted to meet him at the weekend. I mostly just deleted his messages. After creating this forum thread and mentioning a recommendation for people to attend local events, he messaged to ask if I was going to a particular local event about my interest. He offered to drive me, to meet up when we were there. He sent me pictures of what he looked like so I could recognise him and say hello.

I ignored them. If he called me out on it on the forums I’d lie and say I didn’t attend. But for three months in a row, this man showed up, swivelling his neck around to look out for me. And I avoided him until I no longer felt comfortable being in the same space as me, he made me not want to go to this event again.

So when I saw him at this club my heart sank. I didn’t want to have to avoid him in this small space, surrounded by people I was trying to get to know. So I gritted my teeth and got through it. He stood next to me at one point, turned to me to ask a question that I answered briefly before turning to someone else. He didn’t recognise me because he’s never seen my face but I don’t want to converse with someone who makes me so deeply uncomfortable.

It was a few people’s first times at the club. So in a group we walked around the dungeon, climbing into the dogging car, laughing at the coffin propped up in one corner. One woman used the handcuffs in one of the cages. And then someone asked ‘what’s the point of the dark room?’ so we all followed her into the dark room to explain.

As I walked in, I said ‘please nobody grope me in here’ because the point of the dark room is that it’s so dark that you could randomly touch other people or engage in other things if you’re into the anonymous nature of it all. That is absolutely not my thing but I thought I’d say it anyway. Even though the rest of the group seemed to understand that it was all exploratory, us going into the dark room together.

Except this man. Who ended up saying ‘Right, whose boobs am I going to ‘accidentally’ grab?’ as he lunged towards me and the woman who drove me there. I don’t really care that it was meant as a joke, the idea of this man coming anywhere near me, of him touching me without my consent, of him making a joke about any of it repulsed me. So the second I could feel him moving towards me I left. Immediately. And I kept walking as far away from him as I could.

It was my only encounter with him that day and after the event my new friend made a complaint to the organisers of event and he was kicked out of the group chat and banned from any future events.

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Something Unexpected

March 27, 2026

sex

I asked him a random question that morning. He responded to say he was out and about at an appointment. I told him I had my house to myself and that I was planning on trying on lingerie. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Half an hour later I sent him a message saying that halfway through trying on this complicated, strappy lingerie set I got a notification on my work laptop that a Teams meeting had started. A meeting I was meant to be leading with my team. I panicked, ripped my lingerie off and threw on a tshirt. The message I sent to him said I had been naked from the bottom half as I talked work for that solid 30 minutes.

It wasn’t meant to be a sexy story, it was meant to be a funny story shared between friends.

But he responded with something just that little bit unexpected.

Want to flash me from your window?

I laughed and said do you pass my house on your way to work?! knowing full well that he doesn’t. I live on a no through road. You come to my road, it’s to see someone on my road. I assume I’m the only person he knows on my road.

Still, in a bit of a haze from my lingerie-Teams-meeting-disaster I sent a laughing emoji and said–

I definitely would have flashed you from my window

For the life of me now, I don’t know if I truly meant it or just wanted to say something flirty to him, to keep this conversation going where he’s thinking of my naked body or me in lingerie.

Would you?

I have to dig in now that he’s questioning it. Doesn’t he know I have a slight exhibitionist streak?

In a flashing mood now? Because I have just finished a work call whilst around the corner

Reader, let me tell you how my heartbeat started racing when I ran to my window and saw this beautiful man sitting in his car right outside my window. I opened the curtains, and smiled and waved at him. I looked down at my phone

Nice t-shirt

And I felt paralysed in that moment. My brain is flooded with thoughts. He’s here. He took his work call a minute from my house. I wanted to flash him. Because he asked, because it’s him. All this time I’m overthinking everything I’m hiding behind my curtains. But I’m buzzing. I feel the adrenaline kick in and make a split-second decision. I whip my t-shirt off and step into the window.

That’s a better view

And a lovely smile

God, when did his praise do such things to me? I fucking love the idea of him looking at me. Of him driving all the way to my house on the off chance that he could see a glimpse of me.

I’m tempted to ask if you want to come in, I write to him. But I’ve taken so long to write this message that he’s driven off having written that he’d let me get back to my lingerie and toys.

30 seconds later, I can see his car as he drives back towards my house. We go back and forth about it being something I really want, did I know how little time he had? But I’ve made up my mind now, I want to see him. It’s been so long. I want to look at his face and give him a kiss, I want to feel his hands on me. I want all the orgasms I know that he’ll give me.

And it’s everything I wanted it to be. He’s more tactile than I remember him being before, like he’s remembered that I’ve told him how touch-starved I am. He does a thing that makes me gasp. The sounds that he makes live in my brain forever.

He smells so good and I don’t know if it’s me that orchestrates it or if it’s him but I love being pressed against him, my mouth against his ear as I moan through another wave of pleasure. My thoughts zing around in crazy ways, I notice that he’s cut his hair recently, I think I love watching him use his hands. I’m drowning in him looking at me, the pressure of him against my skin. All I am is the sensation of his touch, I’m all pleasure.

He starts to tease me and I say I can’t believe you’re teasing me right now and he takes it as a challenge to how he could tease me more and I think I’m not sure I can handle much more than this. But I do. My hands on him, my mouth, me watching him makes me feel things even more. I’m so full of whatever this feeling is.

After he leaves, I smile for the rest of the day. Even when work hits me with some big stresses. I just keep thinking …that really happened.

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Sexy List

March 26, 2026

sex

That you check in with me if you think how much time you have is enough for the things I need

That you always smell so good

The way you look at me, I like that you appreciate my body, the way that I look

This sound you make, I can’t get enough of it, when you find out how wet I am for you

You make a similar sound when I have one orgasm after another like just that gives you so much pleasure

You pick up on the unspoken things I tell you during and the way you choose to act on those things is incredibly hot

You remembered something I said I liked months ago

You challenge me to come out of my comfort zone in a way that makes me feel alive but also safe

Your ridiculous focus on my pleasure, your generosity is appreciated

Fuck me, your hands

And your eyes

And that spot on your face that gets a little bit red in a blush when we’re talking after

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On Money

March 18, 2026

dating, relationships, sex

I only figured something out recently. And that is that money has impacted my sex, dating, and relationships. I… don’t consider the privilege that I have where I don’t think that much about money. And that has caused misunderstandings or made things worse. I feel like because of my behaviour and reactions, it has made others feel like I’m not someone they can be open with about. And I feel pretty bad about it.

There was the person where I suggested that we do this fun (expensive) thing together and then I got annoyed when they left me on read.

I’d badger another person to go out and do fun things with me and maybe the reason they hadn’t is because they’re being careful with their money?

I had one person who invited me to their home be weird about it. I remember I was lying on his bed after we’d had sex just enjoying the afterglow of orgasm and he said something like ‘I know, I know, I haven’t quite finished all the work in this room’ and later I realised he thought me staring at the ceiling meant that I was focused on cracks in the ceiling (or some other thing, I don’t know, I wasn’t aware of his ceiling).

Maybe I’m reading too much into all of these things. But maybe I’m not.

I don’t know what to do about any of it except be more aware of how things might be for others. I’ll probably be in a similar situation soon enough when my divorce goes through. Let’s see.

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Ending that Dry Spell

February 3, 2026

dating, sex

Sometimes I get messages from men and I think …did you message the right person?! and it was like that with him. I had looked at his profile and seen some of the things on it and I immediately thought ‘this one is not for me’

I told him that too in a roundabout way. Or at least I asked the question. Because everything that his profile said was very different to what he was saying in his message(s). And that’s a curious thing. I wasn’t sure what to make of him. But I’m glad I took that chance in the end.

We messaged for awhile. I would have definitely met up with him sooner but he was away for some time. When he got back we arranged to meet up for breakfast somewhere between where we both lived. And I was ridiculously excited about it. We’d done a video call before we met up and he just has the most beautiful smile. There’s something quite infectious about him.

We ended up meeting at this cute place. It turned out they didn’t serve food until some time later so we grabbed a drink and chatted. For hours. There was the suggestion that we’d go someplace else for food but I kept getting distracted by the conversation. It was so easy to talk to him. And he made me laugh and I felt good being there with him. It’s not often that I meet people who I feel so incredibly comfortable with right from the start.

So when he leaned in for a kiss in the car park when we were saying goodbye I welcomed it. And when he said ‘unless you want to come to mine?’ and when his face lit up in surprise when I said ‘okay’ I knew that he hadn’t expected me to say ‘yes’ I hadn’t expected to say ‘yes’ either. But I decided to live in the moment and lean into the feelings I was getting from him.

Have you ever had a moment where you thought ‘what is this person doing with me?’ I hadn’t until this day. The first time I saw him with his shirt off and he was all muscular arms and sexy six pack and I thought ‘fuck, I don’t want to have to think about my belly roll or the size of my thighs right now’ so I didn’t. It was a fleeting thought that went as quickly as it arrived.

And oh, how I feasted my eyes on this man. I’ve never really considered this level of gym fit as being something I was into but it worked for him. He really looks after himself and it showed. At some point I hope to see him again to lick those abs but I was a bit distracted by everything else. Particularly the way he liked to use his tongue. The way that he would stop after my orgasm and the way his breathing changed when I licked myself off his face.

I sort of knew what I was getting myself into from pictures beforehand. But in the moment I felt like I still wasn’t prepared for the sight of him, for the longest cock I’ve ever encountered in real life. Again, I had a moment of doubt because all my blow job skills were not honed on penises this size, I almost didn’t know what to do with it? So halfway through my ‘how far can I get?’ challenge with him in my mouth I stopped to make a joke. How and why am I like how I am?! but it seemed to break the ice somehow. And I managed to get back to that feeling of comfort and ease with him.

He’d warned me that I’d feel it afterwards, after having sex with him. And I did. There was a definite preference there for really deep fucking, a pounding almost. But it wasn’t mindless. I don’t think I’d have enjoyed it as much if it weren’t as connected as it was. It felt like he’d held himself back until I showed that I was in it with him, that I was meeting him in those moments. I felt breathless throughout. It was just a different feeling, a fullness that I hadn’t realised that I’d enjoy as much as I did. Just together with all the kissing and touching.

Afterwards, I lay on his bed with this feeling of bonelessness. Just basking in that relaxed feeling. I was definitely not regretting my impulsive choices. Especially when he came back after cleaning up and he gave me a hug.

Which led to a kiss.

Which led to a deeper kiss.

Which led to him saying ‘Look how hard I get for you?’

Which led to him saying ‘Do you have some time before you need to go?’

Round two was pretty great too.

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Angel on My Shoulder

February 2, 2026

sex

I can’t even tell you how often I think of a conversation I had years ago with the Soldier. I guess I haven’t written about him as much as I have about other people but don’t be fooled. He was a very important person in my life and our relationship was hugely meaningful to me.

There are a lot of reasons for that. Him as a person was just incredibly appealing. He was the first person that inspired sexual fantasy in me. He made me think and feel and question who I am and why certain things affected me in the ways they did. And he was also such a great sounding board for me. I didn’t have people at the time that I could talk to about sex in the way that I did with him. I probably still don’t.

But I remember one time we were messaging and I’d said something about my attitude towards sex. And he asked something like ‘but why?’ and I had to think about it and when I did I responded and he had me dig a little deeper. And then he said this thing.

Essentially what I told him is that my life felt out of control. And through sex (primarily at this time masturbation) I could control something. I could make myself feel better and I liked the high of that feeling, I wanted more of it. Especially when I was stressed or lonely or sad. It wouldn’t make the problems go away but it would be a nice distraction.

And that’s when he said the way that he and I both thought about sex was one step away from being unhealthy coping mechanisms. That with an added element of being out of control with wanting that feeling it could very well be a sex addiction. Did I ever consider how close I was to letting the need for sex and that floaty high feeling to take over? he asked me.

And I hadn’t. Not until he said those words. And every time I turn more to sex, every time I am going through stress (like I am right now) and start thinking if I just had that feeling a little bit more I think of him and this conversation. He almost feels like the angel on my shoulder warning me not to lose sight of my control. Enjoy it but don’t depend on it.

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Hard Truths

December 31, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I was planning on making this another series of posts – writing in more detail about some of the things that have happened recently, things I find it hard to say or admit. But then I thought … why not start fresh in 2026?

So instead I’ll tell you the things that I’ve been holding back and maybe I’ll use them as resolutions for 2026? Let’s see how it goes.

I hate it when men try to make me squirt

It feels really obvious when men do this. And I’ve noticed a couple of men that I’ve had sex with in 2025 have a sort of glint in their eye and a sort of manic dedication in one particular area while we’ve been at it. And I’ve never said anything about it. But I should have. I really don’t like the feeling of squirting, it isn’t pleasurable to me, that they’re trying so hard at it just annoys me and it’s sort of off-putting as well. If it’s not for me or my pleasure then why all the hard work?

I should be better at communicating sex preferences and my own wants and needs in 2026.

I lost friends over a conversation about race

And I’m really fucking annoyed about it. It’s been bugging me that I haven’t written anything about it since it happened. But I am annoyed. These friends and I were at the party where my black friend was sexually harassed and fetishised about being black. And after the party, I mentioned it to these friends of mine. Friends who I’d had numerous conversations about how weird and gross other people are about bodies and about race and ethnicity check lists and so on.

I honestly thought they’d get it. Instead, I assume because of some uncomfortable truths that they would rather avoid, they left the group chat, we’ve never spoken again and are no longer friends. I’m still annoyed.

I need better friends in 2026.

I’m not as okay about the hurt and disappointments as I make out I am

I constantly feel like giving up. With sex, with dating, with relationships. It all feels so hard. Tedious, demoralising. This life brings so many big and small rejections. It’s hard sometimes to hold myself together to be mentally strong enough to keep soldiering on through hurt and disappointment.

It’s hard for me to hold onto an idea that I’ll find what I’m looking for. And it’s hard to do that while holding onto an idea that I deserve those things.

I’ll keep working at it.

I feel like at times I’ve been a pick-me girl

You know the scene in Grey’s Anatomy? ‘Pick me, choose me, love me‘ but it’s not just wanting those things. It’s also about wanting male validation at the cost of other women.

And I don’t want to be that girl. I have been that girl. Especially in those times where I’ve been seeing someone who also sees other people and in my thoughts I’ve been unkind or ungenerous about other women especially when I’ve felt overlooked or not chosen. But that stops now.

I need to find a way to get the attention and validation that I need but not at the cost of other women, even if that cost only happened in my thoughts.

I’m not that girl.

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