Baby, Can I Hold You

Scary Intimacy

September 2, 2026

sex

I shared things with him that I’ve found it difficult to share with other people. Well, only one other person, really. And that was years ago. I don’t feel like I’m in the habit of allowing others to see inside the parts of me that are hidden.

But I told him things. Things that I’d be embarrassed to say to anyone else. Mostly all sexual. That I like watching certain types of porn that scratch that itch for me. That I don’t necessarily want to actually do those things but that it felt nice to think about.

I told him there were certain words that he could say to me that would make my heart beat faster, that get me excited.

I told him things that I wanted him to do to me, with me. I told him that I could picture him saying those things to me, that I did picture it, that I thought about him and I doing those things together.

And it was scary and exciting at the same time. Especially because it sounded very much like he was committing these things to memory. That he was taking stock of what excited me and making a plan for when we were next together. And I liked it.

I liked the sharing of it. I like that he listened and took it seriously, that he asked questions. I liked the unspoken promise of it.

And then I knew enough about myself to know that I would manufacture any sort of argument or reason for us to have some distance. Because it was too scary for me, sharing those things. Sharing parts of me that I’d probably never said before, that I’d never shared with anyone. And as much as it felt good to do it, it also felt shaky and uncertain.

What if I’d just shared these things with someone who didn’t appreciate what I’d just given him?

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Jealousy

September 1, 2026

relationships

When I first saw, I thought it was jealousy.

At some point in the past few years, he’d taken his face pictures off his profile. And then in the past few weeks, he added some back. Including one impossibly handsome picture that when I saw it, it nearly took my breath away.

And I thought it was jealousy. When I saw that he’d added this back to his profile, I thought this is for someone else. It’s for someone else’s benefit, someone that he’s trying to impress. By adding his face back to his profile I thought it meant that he was open to being open with other people. Like in that way he was when he and I first met. Being all cute and flirty and vulnerable.

But when I really stopped to consider my feelings about it, I realised that it wasn’t actual jealousy that I was feeling. It wasn’t that I was jealous that he’d do this for other people.

I was feeling more upset that he hadn’t chosen me. That it wasn’t for me.

It’s been an eye-opening experience for me realising how I really feel about this man. And realising that I don’t want his attention but that I do want him to choose me was startling.

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Post Delete Replies

August 21, 2026

dating

For the funsies, for a few days, I thought I’d gather today some of the responses I’ve gotten from men after I’d deleted their first message.

I would say that I delete 80% of the first messages I receive. And that’s for all sorts of reasons. The biggest reason lately is that it’s been AI generated (and it’s very easy to tell!) but I also delete anything that is gross/immediately sexual, anything where it feels like a copy/paste message just talking about the man and what he wants. I’ll delete a message if it’s really low effort like ‘hey, how are you?’ And I’ll delete anything where they’re too far away, out of my age range or if I don’t like the look of them or their profile.

I know what I’m looking for, I know what my preferences are and why I have those preferences. I don’t need to ‘give ’em a chance’ or see what they have to say. So I delete.

And here are some of the charming messages I’ve received on the back of those deletions. This is just over a period of three days and is quite an inoffensive selection, I’d say.

You can reply sometime, I don’t bite

I’ve messaged several times, am I what you’re looking for?

I’m not a scammer so I don’t know why you deleted it without reading it all

Your not only fat as fuck but your rude too, wow

Do I really need to bend you over and give you a good spanking for ignoring me?

Take it u dnt like chocolate then

Might as well have texted that to a brick wall

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When My World Went Spinning

August 14, 2026

relationships

I’ve tried my hardest to put off writing this post.

I was sitting on a bench off the High Street the other day and that’s when my world went spinning off into this direction where I don’t know what to do or how to react.

But before we get to that, let me take you a step back to before the bench.

I had been messaging him and it all went wrong. And I knew that I wanted distance from him because he kept hurting me whether intentionally or not. So I said to him ‘I’m going to be on the High Street at this time, please also be there so I can give you this Christmas gift’

He said he’d let me know in the morning but that he’d be working.

It wasn’t definitive. I knew that I probably wouldn’t see him. And I didn’t. I was where I said I would be half an hour before but it was a pretty, sunny day and I found this bench just slightly in the shade and I was having a great time sitting in the sun and playing a game on my phone. I had no expectations whatsoever that he would show up, he’s not very reliable or consistent.

Eventually I sent him a message asking how today was looking for him? and he responded shortly after to say he’d been pulled into a work emergency. I don’t think he said that he wouldn’t be able to meet me but it was implied. When a man disappoints you another time it doesn’t always need to be stated explicitly.

So I mentally shrugged my shoulders and thought ‘well, I tried’ and got up and started walking back to where I’d parked my car.

And that’s when it happened.

It was him, just not the him that I’d been waiting to see. Walking towards me. It’s been years since I saw him face to face like this.

And I went through a million different emotions in the next few seconds. My face wanted to light up at the recognition. It did for a second before I could control my face enough to stop the way my eyes lit up when I saw him, the smile that wanted to spread on my face. I feel like my body just naturally leaned towards him, my arms wanted to lift to go to him, as though for a hug. Or maybe just to touch him.

But that wasn’t all I was feeling or thinking. I also felt confusion. What was I meant to be feeling right now? What’s appropriate? What is my face doing. Oh god, he’s not on his own was my next split second realisation and briefly I glanced next to him to confirm that he wasn’t walking on his own.

And that’s when the shock and guilt happened. Did his wife see me? Did she see my face, did she see the reaction I’ve just had to seeing her husband for a split second in the middle of town? Does that mean that she’ll suspect? Does that mean she’ll know?

In that moment I didn’t know what to do with my arms. They felt like lead next to me, my legs didn’t know how to walk. I told myself, do not cry, do not cry, do not cry.

All of this happened within seconds but I had to tell myself to keep breathing, to breathe naturally. Be normal. Because I couldn’t help but see him on a casual day out with his wife and instead of feeling how I was feeling I had to push that down and pretend something else.

And later, when I’d walked within inches of him, after he’d walked right past me close enough that I could have held my hand out and touched his arm. Later when I’d gotten back to my car, and the tears were threatening to fall I told myself I needed to make it home first, I needed to be safe. Later, when I got home, I went straight to bed and pulled the duvet over me even though we’re in another heatwave but I needed the comfort of it. And once I’d cried and once that crying had turned into a panic attack and for a moment I thought I was having a heart attack because I couldn’t breathe, why was it so hard to breathe and it lasted just long enough to scare me, it lasted long enough for me to wonder will I ever be able to breathe again and then I did, I took a breath and another one, short and shallow until I could suck the air into my lungs for a little bit longer. And the tears were still falling and I had to hold a hand to my chest to feel my heartbeat slow little by little as more air was coming into my lungs. And after, I just lay there, my legs tangled in my duvet, my pillow swept up in an angle, my face damp, with my hand just over my heart keep track of my heartbeats.

And after all of that is when I felt angry. I felt angry hours later when he responded to my message and didn’t have a clue what my message had been about. He hadn’t seen me, hadn’t noticed me, hadn’t been aware of how he’d flipped my life over briefly. Angry at his apology. Angry that there were no words he could say that would have made things right, that would make things better.

But before that I was still angry. Angry at him for going about his life untouched by guilt or shame. Angry that his life is so unchanged. Angry that after we’d ended, he’d said he’d go to therapy to figure out why he’d had an affair or to at least discuss what led him down that path but angry that of course he never did. Angry that I could spot him a mile away because my eyes, my heart, my body would recognise him anywhere and that he couldn’t. Angry that he doesn’t have to carry around the worry, the stress, the panic that one facial expression could destroy someone else. Angry that I carry all of this and have nowhere to address it.

Just angry.

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Blasts From the Past

August 13, 2026

dating, sex

It’s been a little strange recently. After I posted ‘Park Runner?’ the other day I’ve since had four people who have no business popping back into my life do so. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

The first, I’ve written about him on the blog previously, was someone I was quite good friends with. We used to go for walks and talking about books and he was really cute and he made me laugh. We did have sex and it was quite a bumpy start with him. But he disappeared on me for mental health reasons and in the end I blocked his number. I saw him on Feeld recently. I wanted to click that little ‘x’ and move on. But I didn’t. I hit the heart. I only regret it now because we haven’t matched or anything. I’ve just sent my little heart out into the world with no response.

The second was also someone I’ve written about on this blog before. It was earlier this year in fact. We got on like a house on fire, we’d video called before our coffee date. We kissed in the car park as we were meant to be saying goodbye but impulsively when he asked ‘unless you want to come to mine?’ and I said ‘yes’ Sadly, I got my hopes up, he asked me on a very romantic date and then the week of the date happening he cancelled and I’ve never heard from him again. He showed up in a chatroom I was in, tried to make a very dramatic entrance, likely saw that I was in the room and typing and quickly left it. That sort of cowardly behaviour is really not very attractive.

The third is a bit unusual for me. Her kid and my kid used to be friends, I’ve had her kid to my house before and I’m pretty sure I dropped my kid to hers before too? It was a long time ago. I wouldn’t say we were friendly but we were definitely those parents who had each other’s numbers in case of car pool opportunities or birthday party invites. I’m sure I haven’t seen or thought about her in years. Only for me to recognise the pictures she’d uploaded on the website I use. Curious to find out if it really is her and I click on her profile only to read someone had left a verification that read ‘God, this lady’s pussy tastes great’ Right. That’s not awkward at all. Can’t block her, and I find it fascinating to see what status updates or pictures she uploads next. I need to go touch grass.

Like I said, I don’t know how I feel about these things happening. A bit of shame? Particularly for the first two? And that bit of gossipy curiosity for the third?

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Playtime

August 12, 2026

sex

I’ve done this thing in the past. Where whenever I was taking pictures of me in lingerie or about to start a masturbation session I might message him. Tell him details of what was happening. Send him outtakes of my photo session. Sometimes he’d get more explicit pictures.

It’s been sexy. I’ve enjoyed doing it.

One day I’d had an empty house (unheard of!) for hours and hours. I’d messaged him and invited him over. I said my new sex toys were arriving. I thought it could be fun to experiment with him. But it wasn’t to be. He didn’t message me until the end of the day when there were people in my house. I was tired by that time and decided to get a really early night. I said to him ask me about my new toys tomorrow when you have some time to talk.

But I sent him a picture in the morning anyway. My new tentacle dildo against my thighs. And it started a sexy conversation about how the tentacle felt … I went on to tell him about my new butt plugs and how I felt trying them out… and finally my glass dildo, the feeling of using it straight out of the freezer.

I thought we were on the same page with things. I thought we were both enjoying this whole conversation. I had said to him that I was enjoying another masturbation session and in at least one of my pictures that I’d sent across, if you were paying attention, you could see that I wasn’t wearing any clothes.

But conversation had moved onto this other older dildo that I had. I had said that I’d wanted something girthier and the only option I had for girth was this particular dildo. I sent that picture to him too but because it was in the morning, my curtains were closed, the big light was obviously off. Lighting wasn’t great and who knows, maybe his brain had already gone there.

He asked, are you fantasising about when you had that in person?

I thought I knew what he meant and said it’s been so long since you were inside me

Yes it has, he said. But he meant was I fantasising about that big black cock that fucked you a few months ago?

Let me tell how that felt like a cold bucket of water being thrown over me all at once. All pleasure I was feeling in the moment fled instantly. And what consumed me next was confusion, hurt. I asked why the fuck he thought I was thinking about some other man just then? And why that man of all people knowing as he did what he did to me?

He was like, you’re talking about girth and have a big black dildo…

I said, you’ll find that my dildo is actually blue and purple and I’m over here thinking of your cock and now I don’t even want to continue

We talked about it after and if I’m honest I’m still confused by how he got it so wrong. He insisted that it wasn’t jealousy about the one time I’ve had a penis larger than him and that he just has a weird sex brain that catalogs and remembers these types of things.

But I don’t think I really believe it. But then, I don’t really know what to think anymore. That will certainly be the last time in awhile that I share that type of sexual intimacy with him.

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Sex Toys

August 11, 2026

sex

So yesterday I wrote a bit about one method that I’m using to tackle my orgasm issue. But today, today is for a very different method.

I’m part of a group chat of bisexual women. I can’t say that I’ve been very active on it but during some of the more challenging times over the past few months I’ve been turning to it more and more.

And it’s been nice. I’ve liked having a group of women who listen and support me and that I occasionally meet up with at events and stuff. It’s added a layer to my life that I hadn’t realised that I was missing.

And so the other day I wrote to the group saying that I was in need of new sex toys, what do they recommend and what works best for them? I’m open to suggestions and I’d try just about anything.

The toy I use the most often is a little pink vibrator. I’ve thought often I’d like it more if it was longer and girthier because it is quite slight. I also have a rose toy and another clit sucking toy that I don’t use that often. I think my rose is almost dead, it doesn’t hold a charge anymore. I have a wand that I loathe and never use. I have a dildo that gets very little use.

It all seemed a little … uninspiring. Not very exciting. So I was keen for these recommendations.

In the end, after some frankly hilarious conversation in my group chat I went with three selections.

The first, and the one that came with the highest recommendations was a glass dildo. Particularly if I was able to pop it in the freezer for 10-20 minutes beforehand.

The second, I got a training set of butt plugs. I’ve been curious myself about anal play recently and I ended up buying a set of plugs that are shaped like tiny penises and I thought that might help with some visualisation while I was masturbating.

The third, and this one has made me laugh so much, has been a giant tentacle dildo. But I bought it in ‘ice cream’ colours so it looks really pretty. Some of the other women in the group had had similar fantasy shaped dildos with mixed results. I mostly bought it because I wanted to know how the texture of the tentacle would feel.

Will report back soon!

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Online Tools

August 10, 2026

sex

I think I read somewhere online that people were turning to AI generated tools instead of going to therapy. And at the time I thought, that’s not a good decision, surely.

And then I’d end up following social media therapists on Instagram and I even had a blog post series responding to a therapist thread on Threads. So clearly things didn’t really sink in that much for me in terms of not turning to online support in place of actual specialist knowledge.

And now I’ve done it again.

On an impulse, I asked Copilot if it could help me with my sexual dysfunction.

I inputted in that since the end of my relationship with my ex two years ago that I hadn’t been able to orgasm through masturbation. But that I could orgasm if I were with another person. I don’t think I was expecting much of a response, and I was definitely not expecting the response that I did get. After explaining more of the details around how I was feeling, the way things ended and how my masturbation had been affected in the last two years it gave me some very startling feedback.

Essentially it said:

Partnered orgasm = still possible Because it’s tied to connection, closeness, and external stimulation — not the moment of loss.

Solo orgasm = blocked Because being alone with your own arousal is the closest internal state to the moment when everything collapsed.

It said my brain has treated the end of my relationship as something to protect me from in the same was as it does for phobias or changed to my diet or sleeping pattern. It’s noticed something and thought ‘hey now’ let’s not with that.

It’s suggested that my body is still holding onto emotional shock and suggested ways that I could gently remove the pattern that my body and my brain are in.

And it was honestly fairly startling. I feel like it takes me a lot of work to become self-aware and to do that I really have to dive deep into my feelings and to triggers and slowly unravel everything so that I can understand myself just that little bit better.

But with every new question I asked Copilot about my condition I thought …oh shit. Everything felt very real or honest and I thought I’d document on my blog some of the techniques or suggestions it’s given me to overcome this.

Failing that, of course I’ll go see a therapist. But I don’t mind doing this informal work first. Especially if by doing it, it yields results.

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Lord, I Wish I Hadn’t Bothered

August 7, 2026

dating

So I went on a date recently. Usually I opt for low commitment, low energy options like meeting for a coffee or a drink. But when this man suggested dinner instead I thought … yeah, okay. I don’t want to be closed off to opportunity or possibility. So I went with that.

Lord, I wish I hadn’t bothered.

We did message quite a bit beforehand. But we mostly talked about my recent holiday with which he happened to have a connection. We talked about food and work. I wish now that we’d strayed into some other topics because maybe then I would have seen the red flags before having a date from hell. But it happened.

I quite liked that he suggested dinner. And he chose a place and considered my drive time to get there compared to his. I chose the date and time we were meeting. I was excited by it.

And then he arrived in shorts and sliders and I thought …okay. Whatever you’re comfortable in. And we enter the restaurant and we start some small talk. It isn’t until we’ve had our drinks delivered that I realise fuck, this is going to be hellish to make it through.

I won’t go over every thing that was said. But the highlights include:

Him telling a story about work in which he was asked to do something ‘beneath’ him and said ‘What am I? An immigrant from Mexico?’

Him telling a story about work in which he said ‘No offence, but most of my team are Nepalese so their ability to speak English comes and goes’

Him telling a story in which he met up recently with his ex wife and mother of his children at a family event where he mimicked her voice in a high pitched way and what she said and at one point he had told her she was looking well but then as an aside to me in this story he admitted she wasn’t looking well at all and then made other derogatory remarks about her

He essentially told me I’m ‘not like other women’ but I can’t quite recall the reason for this elevation above other women

He rolled his eyes and made impatient gestures to the wait staff when they took longer to bring him his water or the bill than he wanted

He would ask me questions but wait until I stopped speaking so he could talk more about himself or his opinions on things

He made me agree with his opinion that non-monogamy shouldn’t be a thing and if two people were giving each other everything they needed that people shouldn’t want more

He told me in great detail his opinion on women who have full sex lives and have multiple sexual partners

He told a long, bragging story about holidays he’d taken when he was younger as though I was meant to be impressed by them

Even though I switched off halfway through this dinner and was only nodding my head, saying ‘mm’ now and again and mostly taking sips of my water he said ‘this is going well, isn’t it?’ and I wasn’t brave enough to say it’s really not

He then told me that he was apprehensive about meeting me because I came across as serious and without a sense of humour

He asked me if I wanted to come to his for a coffee afterwards

He leaned in as though he wanted a kiss as I was trying to leave

We did plan on going ice skating for our next date but I have no intention of following through with that and felt lucky to get in my car and drive away.

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Awkward, Morbid Curiosity

August 6, 2026

relationships

This thing happened recently that I’m not sure about.

For context, everyone knows of my rollercoaster relationship with him. He’s insisted in the two years that I’ve known him that he’s never been jealous anytime I’ve seen other people. And I do believe him.

But sometimes when he says he’s genuinely not jealous it sounds as though he means he doesn’t experience jealousy as opposed to just not feeling jealous over me.

And I know that to not be true.

One of the first times he sent me messages with lots and lots of words all at once it was to relay a story of a woman he’d met a couple years ago and he said he’d been ‘working really hard’ to arrange to see her again. And that when she was available, she’d chosen to meet up with someone else instead of him. And he was fairly twisted up over it. I think at the time he even mentioned losing all interest in meeting others or putting in the energy anymore for any of it.

And at the time, two things really stuck out for me. And both really hurt me. The first is obviously the jealousy he felt about this woman meeting someone else. But the second is maybe less obvious but hurt more. And that was the amount of effort he was putting into over an extended period of time to meet up with her.

I don’t believe he’s ever been jealous of anyone I’ve met. And I don’t believe he’s ever put in any effort to meet me.

So both were pretty painful. Following that conversation we had a falling out and then obviously reconciled. But the hurt from that is still there. It came up again recently, in fact.

But I mention all of this only for context.

Because what I was actually intending to write about today is that this woman is married and in a ‘hot wife’ situation and they have a couples profile on the website we all use. And this thing happened recently in which this couples account sent me a message the other day when I had decided I was no longer going to be messaging my on/off person.

And when I got this message from this couple, I didn’t know what to do.

I reached out to a friends group chat for advice (who all advised I delete the message and not get pulled into anything complicated) but you know me. I don’t make smart decisions sometimes. And I was struck by this awkward, morbid curiosity about why on earth THIS couple in particular had reached out to me.

So I opened the message. And I responded.

I’ve never interacted with her. It’s only been with her husband and while they do know that they and I both know him, they don’t know whether I know him in a platonic or sexual way. I figure it’s not my place to share that information.

And I guess while it started out as a weird curiosity about them what I’ve learned through maybe a month or more of messaging is that they seem like a normal couple. Who do normal things. I don’t think I was expecting to learn anything about his relationship with her or anything. And I certainly haven’t asked any questions that aren’t my business.

But it is a weird situation to be in. I think I’m still trying to roll around in my brain my reasons for pursuing this friendship. I fear the answer isn’t a good one but it’s also as though my brain isn’t allowing me closer to the truth of it just yet.

I put this out into the world for accountability. I hope I’m not being some sort of creep in this situation. Did I just want it as a means of getting back in touch with him? Did I want to use my own knowledge of this couple as a way of connecting with him?

Only time will tell, I guess.

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