Baby, Can I Hold You

Are You Married?

September 18, 2026

relationships

I was in the cinema on a Sunday morning when I got a bunch of texts from a family member. She was messaging me to say the pictures I’d posted of my mother confused her and that my mother and I look exactly the same. I remember when I read the messages I laughed and wrote back ‘hang on, let me send you a pic of both of us together so you know that we’re not actually the same person’

And I opened my photo gallery on my phone and I scrolled up looking for my favourite picture of my mother and me. As I was scrolling, I came across a picture that he’d sent me months ago that I hadn’t remembered that I’d saved. It was a picture of him all dressed up at a fancy event and he was laughing with a group of friends.

I remember the first time I saw that picture I thought ‘god, he looks so happy’ and all I could see was the joy on his face, his really big smile. It made me happy, this picture. So when I scrolled past it that Sunday morning, I stopped to look at it again. Only, when I looked at it that time I saw the picture very differently. There was only one thing I could see when I looked at it that morning. But just then, the film had started so I had to put my phone away and stew about what I’d seen for the next nearly two hours.

When I got home, I pulled my phone out again and looked at the picture. I thought …surely not. It can’t be. But I knew now that I’d seen it, I’d have to ask. So I did.

Are you married? I sent to him in a message.

Sorry, what? he responded.

Are you married? I repeated.

Where has this come from? he said.

It’s a simple question, with a yes or no answer. That I see you haven’t yet answered.

We went back and forth like that until eventually, yes he turned out to be married. And my suspicion at seeing him in that picture surrounded by his friends with a ring on his left ring finger turned out to be a legitimate suspicion.

In the anger of that first hour after finding out I’d searched through our messages and found two times in the two years we’d known each other where I’d brought up his marital status. The first within a month knowing each other where he’d explicitly written ‘I am not married, I have never been married’ and another time where I’d brought it up and he’d brushed it off.

I feel like I was in shock after that. I couldn’t tell if I didn’t feel anything when I found out or if I felt so much that I’d had to block it all out to get through this. I suspect the latter.

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How I Want To Be Loved

September 17, 2026

relationships

I went to a party recently held by a friend in which I ended up being in a room with several people I’ve had sex with and a couple of people I thought (mistakenly!) that wanted to have sex with me.

It actually turned out to be a good evening. I wasn’t sure at first but decided to push through any misgivings I had about going and just fucking go already.

My friend was there, who gives great hugs. And some other people who I don’t see often and it was nice to catch up. I met a small handful of new people that evening too but I’m not hugely sociable and a small handful was plenty for me.

When I was thinking about that evening later on, there was one moment that stood out in particular. With certain people, I was awkward, a bit stiff, definitely not comfortable or free to be authentically me. But I was standing, talking to someone I had only met that night and somebody who I do feel really comfortable with. We were talking about films, and the forums, and about race. And I did this thing with my arms where I lifted them above my head and wiggled in them in this crazy way. And it was probably paired with a ridiculous facial expression and a tone of voice that I wouldn’t normally use with people I don’t know that well.

And like I said, it really stuck with me.

Because me with the crazy arms and the strong opinions about things and the who gives a fuck attitude about other people seeing my weirdness? that feels like me. I’m passionate. And I’m excitable in my passion. When I stop caring what other people think of me, I talk and act in a way that is very specifically me.

But I wouldn’t say that that many people see that me.

She only exists in these rare little pockets. And those pockets have to be created. There has to be emotional safety there and comfort, acceptance of my weirdness.

And aside from a couple of platonic friends, I can only really remember me feeling that pocket of safety twice.

The first was many years ago with my ex husband. I remember twirling in the aisles of Tescos and laughing with him about random things. And he’d give me this look like you’re mad, but you’re adorable. And that lasted for a short period of time until I saw him quickly looking at people around us, like who saw her do that thing? who heard her say that? and that pocket vanished.

It happened with my ex as well. I like to think about this time we were walking in the woods and I felt like skipping in my excitement to tell hm about Studio Ghibli films and how it made me interested in a specific period of art and how that led me down a rabbit hole of something else. And he was always in it with me. Always there with a little nugget of strange to pair with whatever I had said. Or there with a question like, sure, I’ll go down this weird train of thought with you.

And I miss that. I miss that level of safety, of acceptance. It’s what I’m looking for moving forward. Someone to match my weird. To celebrate in it.

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Another Kiss Date

September 16, 2026

sex

We had talked about seeing each other again, me coming over to his. Spending some time naked together.

I had said to him that I was excited for it, really looking forward to spending that time with him. But he responded that he was incredibly busy, had plans every evening. That no day that week had enough time to properly spend with each other. That he thought I deserved several hours of his attention.

I think he felt sorry for me. Which is why he offered to meet me again. For ‘another kiss date’ – at first I said I’m not sure if a few quick kisses would sate my needs but in the end I thought it’ll be nice to see him anyway. He’s nice to be around, he’s nice to look at. He’s definitely nice to kiss.

So, we met up again. In the same corner of the car park of the cafe we met for our coffee date. This time we chatted briefly before curling up in the backseat of his car. The kissing started off a bit slow, exploratory but soon I was getting a bit impatient. That his hands were still chastely above my clothing.

It felt nice kissing, him nibbling on my neck, his hands everywhere. But in the end, my impatience drove things to where I wanted them to be. I moved his hand from over my dress to under it and right over my nipple. Later, I moved aside my knickers and his hand right to where I wanted it.

None of it was perfect. It was still two people who were figuring out things about each other. Mostly, he found out how quickly and how many times I could orgasm in the space of 20 minutes and I found out the sound he makes when I licked a certain part of his neck.

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More

September 15, 2026

relationships

What made me do it? I still don’t really know.

I feel like there’s something broken inside me and because of it, I do this thing where I really want to feel close to someone so I do something scary and intimate and then afterwards I think whoa, too scary, too intimate.

That happened the other day.

Had we been feeling distant? Was I trying to make up for something? I don’t really remember. Maybe it was a day where I was trying to tempt him to give me attention, maybe even come over to see me? In hindsight I think, why was I trying so hard? But in the moment, it must have made sense.

I’ve sent him explicit messages in the past. I’ve sent him explicit pictures in the past. I’ve even sent him a video before but the video wasn’t very explicit. You could hear me more than see me.

But the other day, for whatever reason that I don’t remember, I sent him a very explicit video. It started with me rubbing the glass dildo still frosty from being in the freezer over one nipple, running it across my skin, pulling my knickers to one side before I circled the glass dildo around my clit… before putting inside me. You can hear the moan I give when that icy cold dildo penetrates me.

And he found it hot. Not hot enough to do anything about it. Was it enough to film it? send it to him? was his reaction enough? It probably wasn’t.

After that I knew that I needed space. I felt like I had crossed some sort of line that couldn’t be uncrossed. I needed to regroup after that video. I needed … something. And I couldn’t get whatever that something was from continuing the way we were.

But then, of course, when we did message next, it ended up being a pretty big deal.

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Potential

September 14, 2026

relationships

I saw something online awhile ago that really made me think.

I can’t remember the exact wording but it essentially said you don’t have feelings for him, you have feelings for his potential. When I read it, it felt like an actual punch to the gut.

And I sat with that for awhile before realising … shit, that’s really true.

It isn’t him right now that I’m into. Not with him being flaky with communication and having zero availability. The honest truth of it is, he doesn’t really seem that curious about me and rarely asks me questions.

But me, on the other hand, I’m the problem. Because when I thought about it, I thought about what things might be like when my divorce is finalised, when I’m finally living on my own and have more freedom.

I thought about …what if things were different then? and he could come over sometime. And what if some of those times he did, it wasn’t just a quick fumble in bed before he left? What if he did finally take me up on those offers to grab a coffee sometime? Or a walk and talk?

I was really banking on what could be between us that I forgot to acknowledge what the reality of us looks like right now. And how do we get to the what if? between us when he leaves me on read 80% of the time.

I really needed that wake up call.

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Unnatural

September 11, 2026

relationships

Recently my ex husband I hit a deadline that I’ve been waiting for. Whenever I talk about actually splitting our finances and living elsewhere from each other, he’s always delayed things. And delayed things. And delayed things.

So much so that it’s been nearly 6 years of us being separated and living in the same house. I was okay for that first year. But after that? Not so much.

So I’ve been waiting for this particular deadline. I was calling it ‘Freedom Day’ in my head.

There was a slight hiccup prior to Freedom Day that came in and I thought that was going to be a reason for my ex husband to want to delay but I held firm and we agreed. No delay.

So Freedom Day arrived and we sat down to have a conversation. He suggested a date for us to file the paperwork. He said he’d made a decision about the family home. I was relieved and surprised that it was all going so well.

And then he said it. He had said that he wanted to keep the family home and for me to move out. I said that was fine, that the boys would appreciate the familiarity of him keeping the house. That they were settled in the house, in their rooms. With the neighbourhood, with everything. I said that I was assuming because he was keeping the house that they would want to continue living with him. I wasn’t fighting him on it.

But, I said, it also doesn’t make a difference to any choices I make in my future regarding accommodation. I’d still always choose a place to live that would have enough room for either or both of them to live with me. That would be the same if he was keeping the house or not.

At this he got upset. Said whatever happened, he’d want the boys to stay with him. I reminded him that I wasn’t fighting him on that decision, that I’d say I’m sure they’d want the same? But he couldn’t just have a civil conversation with me. Not about this.

He said that it made sense that the boys stayed with him because ‘being a parent comes more natural to him’ and he mentioned ‘like with cooking them dinner’ and then tailed off.

He was referring to a time two weeks prior in which I had a migraine and I had said to the boys that my head was pounding, did they mind making themselves a sandwich or something from the freezer? They were both happy with that.

But I saw red when he said it. How dare he say that parenting doesn’t come naturally to me? How very dare he. Out of all of the awful, mean-spirited things he’s ever said to me, and that list is long, this might have been the worst thing. And he said it so casually too. Like he was citing fact.

I said to him let’s stop this conversation because this wasn’t the right time for it (because I was so angry at him) but I couldn’t stop there and I said to him that there’s more to being a parent than slapping dinner on the table or paying the bills. That there’s an awful lot that has to do with emotional support and if it comes down to it we both know that one of us is better than the other at that. And I let that sentence tail off too. I didn’t need to finish it for him to know what I meant. He immediately said he agreed, this isn’t the best time to have this conversation and left the room.

How is it possible that I’ve been married to this man for so long?

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Meeting Someone New

September 10, 2026

dating

I went on a date the other day. It was with someone local, someone I’d messaged for a bit beforehand. I found him funny and cute. He was maybe a little bit different than I’d normally go for but not in any way that I could articulate.

I didn’t feel nervous to meet him. I thought beforehand and it turned out to be accurate that he’s very relaxed and comfortable to be around. Our conversation over coffee was maybe a bit weird. We talked a little bit too much about his mother and about petty squabbles with his family than I’d have liked. But it felt easy to chat with him. I liked his smile as he was talking.

He ended up walking me back to my car and I stepped on his foot as we were hugging each other goodbye. And then he told me he’d watched me park really, really badly when I’d arrived and he hadn’t known it was me in the car. That was mortifying.

Later, after I’d driven home I’d sent him a message to say that I’d enjoyed meeting him, that was lovely to sit and chat and get to know each other. But that, as is often the case with me, I wasn’t entirely sure what my attraction levels were. I said that maybe if we’d kissed before we’d said goodbye I’d have had a better idea.

He laughed and said maybe we could get together for a kiss date sometime? And I laughed and agreed.

So the following week, we did just that. I only had 20 minutes or so before I needed to get back for a meeting. So I met him in the car park of the cafe where we’d met for our date. And we talked for a few minutes about our days. I think he kept asking me questions to make it less awkward. But then he positioned me in such a way that his body would shield me from other people and leaned in for a kiss.

Sometimes when I kiss someone new it feels like nothing. Maybe not nothing. Maybe wet nothing? But when he leaned in to kiss me, my body leaned into it, leaned into wanting more. He’s taller than me so I went on my tiptoes to get closer to him, I ended up pressed against the length of him. I could feel his erection and it excited me. He ended up running his hands over my back and cupping my ass as he pulled me closer to him. And it was hot.

I can’t remember a time where I had such an exciting kiss. So I left 20 minutes later, I drove him and logged into my Teams meeting. With a massive smile on my face. Thinking about where this all could lead…

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Everything…

September 9, 2026

relationships

…that pisses me off about him

Leaving me on read

Not responding to my messages

Avoiding the tough questions

Switching to general speak instead of answering a question specifically about him or me or us

That he’s never been jealous

That he he has no time for me

That he’s never once prioritised what I’ve asked of him

Instead of just saying ‘no’ he gives me hope by saying yeah, let’s get a coffee in or when things are less hectic we should go for that walk sometime

When I told him I possibly had feelings for him I wish he’d just cut me off

That he’s never chosen me

That he’s never just blocked me as it would have been so much easier

That he pursued me in the beginning, that he kept asking to see me and then that all dropped off

That I can’t seem to quit him even though I know I should

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What Happened

September 8, 2026

relationships

I’ve mentioned this fucking Christmas present like, 4 times on this blog already. So I feel like it’s only right to let you all in on the eventual demise of the Christmas present.

After I had arranged to meet him on the High Street to hand over his gift and he didn’t show, I lost my temper with me. It was so disrespectful that he couldn’t commit 20 seconds of his life to show up, receive this gift and drive off again. So I told him if we couldn’t arrange a time and place to hand the thing over then I’d either leave it somewhere for him to collect or that I’d donate the thing to charity.

He said he understood. But he was also still unavailable to meet me. So I decided to leave it in the place where we met a couple of times. I half hid it in some bushes and thought it might be inconspicuous there? I don’t know. I took a picture of it and sent it over to him. I even delayed leaving it in the bushes because he said he was away for work the previous day. Whatever, I said. Here’s what it is.

He said he’d try his best to collect it. I decided that I’d change my dog’s afternoon walk to avoid checking if it had been collected all that day. But the next day, I took a lunchtime walk in order to walk past it. To see if he’d collected it or not. I figured he hadn’t as surely he would have messaged if he’d collected it?

Instead when I got there, the gift was not in the bushes. It was nowhere. But there was a bin not far away, and with a sinking feeling I looked in it. And the wrapping paper was there towards the top. I knew the answer already but I messaged him anyway to ask if he’d picked up the gift? He messaged back to say no, he hadn’t managed to.

I was so disappointed. I wanted to be rid of it because I didn’t want to have something else weighing down my mental load. But I also wanted him to get the thing. For that to be some reaction. A thank you, maybe. Instead I got nothing.

Before this all happened I had lied to him to say it had been so long since I’d bought it that I’d forgotten what it was. But that was untrue. I was mostly saying that to downplay its importance, to make all seem a bit casual and like it was no big deal.

But it was a big deal to me. And I felt ragey knowing that someone else had opened my gift to him and did whatever they did with it. I’m ragey that he’ll never know what it is. That the build up I had to whatever his reaction would be to it is lost to me forever. I’m ragey that the next time I think to buy a gift for someone else that I’ll remember how this felt and might just reconsider to save the hassle.

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Second Attempt

September 7, 2026

dating

I recently wrote about a few blasts from the past – people who I’d had interaction or experience with who had disappeared and then reappeared recently.

And in another twist of these coincidences, someone else reappeared in my life. You might remember him? I wrote about him in Difficult Choices where I experienced strong attraction to him but it took awhile to get us kissing and groping each other in my hotel room and then everything kind of got lost because of my plans and how he had to go home for his cat.

That all happened more than a year ago. If I’m honest with myself he always felt like unfinished business. I had such a great time with him and I struggled to believe that that was just it. That there would be no more.

So when he reappeared in my life, it felt like ‘oh good, now we can continue where we left off’ and it certainly felt like that at first. He sent me a flirty message, I sent one back. We did some brief catching up but even in doing so, it still felt like we were being suggestive in what we were both saying.

Eventually, I said to him ‘is this all just talk? or are we both being serious about this?’ and he confirmed it wasn’t just talk on his side. And my heart did a little thrill.

But it was just talk. I tried to immediately go into planning mode and see if we could meet up that weekend which was a couple days away. He said he had plans but that they could potentially be rescheduled. I looked forward to it for 2 days. I sent messages asking if his plans had been rescheduled, if we were still on? But that Saturday rolled around and I’d had no word. If we had plans, I didn’t know where I was going, where would I be meeting him?

Eventually I said something and he said his plans had been moved but he thought that I’d said I’d had other plans. But those were plans I’d made because I hadn’t heard from him. So I told him that. That I had been excited to see him but that he hadn’t confirmed with me. There was no meaningful communication there so that I knew where I stood.

We tried again for the following weekend. And at the start, I still believed it was going to happen. He’d told me which train station I’d need to get to. We’d confirmed that the whole day was free.

And then he just stopped reading my messages. He was online. He just wasn’t checking or responding to my messages. And that Saturday kept creeping up quickly. And to my embarrassment, it was only Friday lunchtime that I thought ‘it really isn’t going to work, is it?’

This man was all talk and no action. He must like to fantasise about what it would be like to meet me, to do the things we’d planned. But not enough to actually do them.

So I sent him a message telling him that I was disappointed that it had ended up like this but that I wouldn’t be asking again or getting my hopes up. And I blocked him for good measure because I know what I’m like. Some time would pass and I’d start to think ‘maybe I should give him another chance’ and try all over again.

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