Baby, Can I Hold You

Meeting Others

May 22, 2026

dating

On my profile most places I do always mention that I’m both demisexual and reciprosexual. I know for some, it will be the first time they’re coming across these words. And that is a (small) part in why I include it.

Another part is that it’s a warning. Attraction works differently for me because of these things, I require certain things. It’s best to give a heads up.

But the other reason I include these terms on dating app profiles is because it means I get messaged on a semi-regular basis by other people with similar sexualities. It’s usually demisexual. I feel like on the website that I use, I’m a beacon for other demisexuals. I’ve exchanged messages with quite a few, a large majority of them being women. And it’s been nice to chat (even briefly) and exchange details of our experience out there in the world trying to date people or have sexual encounters while being demisexual. It makes me feel less alone. And it feels like a relief knowing that there are others out there going through similar things.

But I had a different thing happen to me recently. And I’m mostly quite surprised by it.

I had someone in person at a thing. He seems incredibly friendly, charming. He messaged me after the event and we got chatting. At certain points there were full on essay length message being sent back and forth. And from a demisexual perspective I remember thinking ‘there’s possiblity here, maybe’ but then he said something to me that stopped all of that dead in its tracks.

I think I might be reciprosexual too

Well, that changes everything. I have met one other person who identified as reciprosexual. She was the female half of a couple who had messaged me to see if I’d be interested in joining them for a threesome (I assume, it never got as far as asking) and through introductory conversation she looked up the meaning of the word and thought it fit with how she is too. Which mostly just meant that we were destined to only be just friends.

And it’s the same with this man I met recently. I’m enormously grateful to have people in my life that share this unique thing with me. But it also just means he will only ever be Just my friend. And I’m not sure if that’s particularly what I’m looking for at the moment. So if I’m being truly honest with myself … I feel disappointed. But, nothing I can do about that!

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Late Night Chat

May 21, 2026

relationships

I’m still really into my on/off person.

I was having a stressful time of it awhile back (and incidentally, I still am) and I couldn’t sleep. So this website that he and I both use has a chatroom feature. I’d never been into it before but I’ve been no stranger to chatrooms in the past. I thought it could be fun, if nothing else to have a chance to talk to people, vent possibly.

And so I was in this chatroom late at night. All of a sudden I get a notification on my phone:

You are on cam?

I was a bit startled and confused. I’d known that he’d used the cam chat rooms before but I hadn’t ever expected to see him at the same time I was on. Especially not at midnight on a Saturday.

And that one text started off a three hour conversation. And it was lovely. Early on he asked if I was okay and I ignored the question but he circled back round to it. But conversation carried on. And it was easy, friendly.

He said something I found incredibly funny and even though I usually do my best to not talk or make much noise while I was using the cams I did let out a little laugh, and he heard it and mentioned it.

And making me laugh? It’s such a turn-on for me. Especially by people like him where we’ve already established an emotional connection, where I already know there’s something there between us.

And I like that he can easily make me laugh. I like that he was able to see me at midnight on a Saturday. That he could hear me laughing at something he’s said. That it felt really natural to message for three hours in the middle of the night.

When he said he was going to get some sleep I told him when I first started talking to him that it all felt really nice and I ended up thinking wouldn’t it be great if we could go for a coffee somewhere together soon, maybe even later that day? I told him that I was going to ask him if we wanted to get a coffee sometime but then we chatted for three hours. But he still responded:

We should get a coffee in soon

And that made me smile too.

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Seeing things differently

May 20, 2026

dating, sex

I have this person in my life. He’s such a great person to be around. He makes me smile and laugh and think more deeply about certain topics. He’s just generally lovely and when we spent time together (including have sex a few times!) I really loved it.

There was an issue though and it’s not one that I’ve been able to navigate properly. But the man can’t consistently communicate to save his life. But I knew that about him. I know his reasons for it and I know that he works hard to regulate himself and look after himself in order to communicate more effectively with others. With me on occasion.

And it’s my relationship with this person that actually had me reconsidering my relationship with my on/off person.

Because what this other person taught me is that it isn’t always about me. Sometimes other people, for whatever reason – good, bad, neutral – cannot meet my needs. This person? His communication style is not one that is compatible with what I need. So even though I adore him, I adore being in his company… I also just cannot be his friend. I cannot (and have not) continue to have a sexual relationship with him.

I wish him the very best, but he isn’t for me. And that’s okay.

And it’s reminded me that with my on/off person it isn’t always the fact that I’m not enough or that I don’t measure up to whatever weird thing going on in my head that I’m creating for my on/off person. Sometimes it’s just that, for whatever reason, some people don’t meet my needs. And that doesn’t make him a bad person. Nor is my friend a bad person. They just have their own ways of communicating and that doesn’t align with what I want or need.

And that’s okay.

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Absence of Physical Touch

May 19, 2026

relationships

I was talking to someone the other day and I said I’ve just had a really good hug. But that I had been on the train home after that and I thought

… fuck, do I miss sex because it’s literally the only time anyone touches me?!

It’s a sobering thought.

My ex husband both my children are (probably) neurodivergent and none of them enjoy physical contact. My ex husband told me decades ago to stop holding his hand. In the bed we shared there was an invisible line down the middle of it and if I ever crossed that invisible line he’d remind me by saying ‘you’re encroaching’ (those were the actual words he’d used and he had said that exact thing to me hundreds of times!) So I’ve spent my entire adult life completely devoid of phsyical touch.

During lockdown I heard other people use the term ‘touch starved’ because they hadn’t gone such long periods of time without being hugged or touched. It just became a term that defined what I’d always lived with. It never got easier though. I think part of the reason I got a dog was to have something to lavish a bunch of attention and affection and. And to get it in return.

But going back to this thought.

It’s an interesting one. Do I crave sex generally? or do I crave physical touch? I don’t know, is the answer. It’s probably both. But I did ask this person, what if I were one of those people surrounded by touchy feely people, where my life was full of hugs, and touching? Would that make me a different person? Would be sex drive decrease because I was already getting some of my physical needs met? Or would my sex drive increase because of all the reminders of how pleasurable touch can be?

I guess I’ll never know. Or maybe I will in some distant fantasy future where I’m not quite so touch starved.

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We Missed It

May 18, 2026

dating

I’ve liked songs in the past that have tackled the idea of seeing someone, catching their eye and feeling something about it and the regret afterwards of not acting on it but I don’t think I’ve ever had the experience until recently.

I was at this event the other night and it happened. I was in the middle of talking with a group of people and I looked up, met the eyes of a man standing on the other side of the event space in his own group of people talking and laughing. It was only a split second but I immediately thought ‘oh I don’t know this person’ and also ‘he looks quite attractive’ …but I didn’t do anything about it. The group of people he was with I didn’t know that well and from the way conversation was going it seemed like they all knew each other quite well. Should I have interrupted anyway? Who can say now because I didn’t at the time.

Because this isn’t some tragic love song on the radio I did eventually find out who it was. Because the people at this event were all on a list. Nobody was unknown. I could have asked the organiser about it afterwards. But I didn’t. I figured the universe would provide (basically, I’m lazy) and actually, it did. The person in question messaged me afterwards and said a similar thing that I thought.

That he looked over at me and noticed me but saw that I was with people and he didn’t know the people I was with that well either. He said he figured there would be plenty of time to talk to everyone but he arrived quite late and I left quite early so there was only overlap of about an hour. That one time we caught each other’s eye? That was it, that was the opportunity. And we both missed it.

He messaged me afterwards and he said:

You’re gorgeous. I’m kicking myself. Note to self: be early and also mingle with everyone.

What grates on me now, afterwards, is that he’s a lovely man. We have interesting conversation. It’s hard not to think what could have been different if I’d been brave and said hello. What would have been different if he’d been brave and said hello. Honestly, probably nothing. But I kind of like that romantic what if? question to think about.

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Changing My Mind

May 15, 2026

dating

I have this friend. We had an interesting start, had sex, then something happened that made me feel on shaky ground and so I told him that because of that thing that happened that I’d prefer to be just friends.

That was, I don’t know? 5 or 6 months ago. And he took it really well when I told him. Obviously he apologised for the thing but he’s never pushed that boundary that I set. We are good friends, sometimes when I’ve written a post on here and mention that I was talking to a friend about something it’s a 50/50 chance it’s him (the other person is my ex). And it’s nice. I like that even though we’ve had sex before, that it hasn’t stopped us from being friends moving forward.

Anyway, my friend was at this thing recently. And all this time I have genuinely thought of him as my friend. And then I saw him at this event and I just felt really happy to see him. It’s easy being around him. He was the person looking out for me when the creepy stalker guy kept walking near me. It happened once where the guy came and stood in the group of people I was with and I panicked and I stepped behind my friend. And someone else in the group saw that and said to me ‘what are you doing, come stand over here’ and instead of having me explain, my friend said firmly said ‘no’ to her. And I liked that.

I liked that he’d wander off to go socialise and mingle with others but he’d circle around, catch my eye and ask if I’m doing okay. He brought me water without asking. And when I got a bag of sweets and found there was Haribo in it that I didn’t like, I took his instead. And in that exact moment I thought … holy shit, I’ve got a crush on my friend.

On the train home I started piecing together my thoughts of that evening and about him and I thought …over the last few months I’ve really changed my priorities when it comes to people in my life. I value consistency. And good communication. Someone who pays attention to me, values my thoughts and feelings and opinions, kindness.

And as I was eating the sweets I stole from him I realised that he fits all of those things. So why are we just friends?

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Return of the stalker

May 14, 2026

life

Remember me mentioning my ‘stalker’ in a previous post about a social event at a sex club? Well, he’s at it again. He attended the social event I was recently at.

Luckily, I met a friend there who knew that I was absolutely desperate to avoid this person the entire evening. So whenever I saw him coming close, I’d walk around my friend so he was in the line of sight of this creepy guy instead of me. Or he’d step in front of me. It was actually really nice, just felt like a relief that I didn’t have to deal with him on my own.

He didn’t actually say anything to me that night. I’m not even sure if he knows who I am or recognises me away from my persona online. But I don’t care. The man makes me deeply uncomfortable and I will do anything to not have to converse with him or be in his company. I definitely won’t pretend that I’m enjoying his company or his conversation.

At one point in the evening, I was standing in a group of people and I saw this guy walking towards us so I stepped behind this tall man I was standing next to to avoid him. And I saw as he walked past a woman and though he had plenty of space to walk by her, he touched her (bare) shoulder and said ‘oh, excuse me’ but as conversation continued as he walked past, the woman he touched and I both knew that he it was utterly unnecessary to touch her, that he had just used walking past her as an excuse to put his paws on her.

So I told them about my experiences with my stalker. How he made me uncomfortable, how he’d lunged at me in the dark room. The woman I was talking with understood me immediately. And there was another man with us who said something along the lines of ‘I was talking to him earlier, I had no idea he was such a creep’ and that’s the thing, isn’t it? He isn’t likely to show off his creepiness to other men. It’s only to women that he feels he has that right to touch us, to makes us feel uncomfortable, to encroach on boundaries, to think those things like consent don’t apply to him.

It was nice to see that this person that I hadn’t met before that night just understood and accepted that this was my experience. It was the experience of the woman we were both talking to. It was the experience of women everywhere. All of us. He apologised to me for all of the horrible men and he seemed genuinely horrified by it. And even though it is awful to have to continually be on guard and constantly vibe check men for safety concerns, for anything that feels not right, there are at still plenty of men out there that are still decent.

That will tell the hosts that there’s someone invited that makes women uncomfortable. That will look out for you so you can relax and enjoy the party, that will step in front of you to hide you from his sight. That will warn others about him and doesn’t leave it to me to tell people, to rehash the story.

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Amazing Women

May 13, 2026

life

I put my name down awhile back to attend this social event by one of my favourite people. She gathers together the very best group of people and other than it being an actual delight to be in her company, it’s always pretty great to be surrounded by a bunch of other cool people.

I’ve been to this thing once before and because it’s semi-regular, I had intended to go earlier in the year but had to cancel for personal reasons. Again, when she announced this event I was so excited to put my name down and to see everyone. …but by the time it actually came around, I wasn’t really feeling it. On the day of, I did actually think about messaging her with some bullshit excuse about why I couldn’t make it again. It’s part of this ‘rut’ I think I’m in. No energy for things like socialising.

But in the end I decided to go. And I really had a great time. And it really inspired me too. I’ve got a whole string of posts coming up about different aspects of it.

But for this first post, I feel like my heart is just ridiculously full and grateful for the amount of awesome women I’ve met during this whole foray into casual sex and dating. The organiser of this event? I love her. She’s a ray of sunshine and she impresses me often for her positivity, how she knows everyone, how she brings people together and how gets people talking, even utter strangers. She’s a treat.

But when I got there, after saying hello to her, there was just a stream of amazing women that I said hello to. There was a single woman who had reached out to be party buddies together who absolutely bounded over with a smile and a hug. There was a quieter woman who felt just on that edge of socially awkward that still pushed herself to carry her half of the conversation. Women who I’d met at previous events that remembered my name, that were happy to see me.

There was the woman in a couple who told me that because we’d met at their first event and had talked for awhile that I ‘made’ that first event special so they have a soft spot for me. She’s sexy as hell so I’ll take that. There were women there that I met who I have in group chats that have been lovely and supportive and who I loved being able to meet in person.

I feel like so much of my blog is about men. That I’m getting to know, that I’m going on dates with, that I’m having sex with. Men that I’ve met where it hasn’t worked out. But I don’t talk enough about the amazing friendships I’ve made with women. And going to this social event just reminded me how wonderful it feels to be part of this circle of amazing women.

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Am I In A Rut?

May 12, 2026

dating

I’ve been wondering lately if I’m in a rut. It’s felt like too much work, too much energy to do certain things.

A lot of that is has been down to a lack of interest in responding to messages I receive. There’s a lack of interest in search out profiles that I think might look interesting. There’s a lack of interest in attending events locally where I could be meeting new people.

I think back on that awful date I went on with the couple recently where I asked no questions. I don’t want to be that shit date again.

But it mostly comes down to … I don’t have the energy to be fully engaged in dating, having sex or looking for relationships.

Part of that, I’m sure, is down to the major life stressors I have at the moment. I hate my job. I get the Sunday dreads. I’ve been looking for a new job for forever and I’m not getting anywhere which is both frustrating and disheartening. My ongoing issue with my car which might be coming to an end soon, but we’ll see. After 5 months of hassle surely it can’t just be all over. Not without more drama?

Things at home have been high stress lately too. There’s mess everywhere. There’s uncertainty. There’s passive-aggressive behaviour. It’s just not very nice.

So it makes sense that I’m feeling this way. I should really take a step back. Give myself a breather. Then when I feel more up to it, get back out there. Will I do that though? No, probably not. I’m rushing headfirst into some bad decisions…

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Pattern Recognition

May 11, 2026

dating

This thing happened recently and with it, I realised that I spotted a bit of a trend that could be a change maker for me.

There was a man that messaged me a few weeks ago. He sent a message that was one single sentence but it was the type of thing that I would respond to – not just ‘how are you?’ or something boring. It was intriguing, exciting almost.

And he and I messaged fairly intensely for a few days. Always the same thing. This man would say just enough to get me hooked. It was tantalising. And I responded to him in a way like every time he’d throw out something intriguing I’d want to know more. But he always giving me thing in very small doses. And being inconsistent with messaging.

It started to get to where I felt this emotional high every time I saw he’d message. And then when I logged in and saw he hadn’t I’d think something like ‘what about me isn’t enough to keep his attention?’ but like I didn’t realise this was happening until after. I was stuck on this high and low where his attention was either validating or invalidating my worth.

Things changed when he said something suggestive but vague and something about what he’d said finally set off a red flag for me. I told him that I’ve struggled in the past with people who weren’t consistent or weren’t straightforward in what they wanted. The man acknowledged what I said but remained vague.

Then he said something else suggestive and I called him on it. He said something like he’s keeping vague because he knows I’m good conversation but without seeing my face, my eyes specifically he doesn’t know if he’s truly attracted to me. (I knew I wanted him to be attracted to me!) but at that point I thought … what am I doing here? Why am I chasing this man for his attention?

He’s not giving me what I want and I deserve more than someone’s breadcrumbs. So I decided this is no longer serving me. I don’t want my interactions with others to follow a similar pattern. I don’t want these extreme highs and lows. And separately, I’m working on validating myself.

I’ve decided on a couple of non-negotiable things moving forward. And they’re really simple. Consistency and clarity.

If someone doesn’t offer me both of those things they can get in the bin.

I deleted the message thread from this man and I haven’t looked back.

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