Are you a psycho like me when it comes to dating and communication?

I do this thing sometimes. Okay, quite often. Where I think something is quite obvious, so obvious in fact that I don’t actually say it. But then expectations form and I end up getting hurt over things that we’d never discussed. Let me explain.

I think I heard somewhere that women decide if they want to have sex with a person within a short period of time after meeting someone. I don’t remember what the number is. If it was in seconds or minutes. It was a short period of time in any case. And when I was thinking about writing this post I wondered if maybe in my case I know within that short period of time whether or not I want more from a person than casual.

I have this person in my life, we met almost a year ago now. And I feel like after our first date I was totally into him. I definitely wanted more. And despite the fact that prior to us meeting we’d both stated that dating or a relationship wasn’t where either one of us was at, after we met I started treating him like we were seriously dating. So I’d get upset when he left me on read or he didn’t pay me the appropriate amount of attention.

Eventually after comments were made, we talked about it. I realised that I wasn’t being fair to him. He’d made me no promises, we hadn’t agreed to anything. So I dialled things down and tried to behave more like a normal person with him.

And now it goes in circles with us. With me, really. I’ll be okay for awhile in our casual, we’re not dating situationship. Then it will reach a certain point and I’ll start angsting about what we are. What we aren’t. That I want more. That I want things from him that he has never said or indicated that he’d like with me. And I’ll cry. Or I’ll write poetry about him. I’ll write blog posts about the things I want from him when he doesn’t (or didn’t) have the link to this blog. And I’ll talk about him to my friends who all advise me to move on. But I don’t.

Am I addicted to this destructive cycle? The stupid thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever been that clear with him about any of it. Have I told him recently that I don’t want it to be just sex between us? No. I may have implied it. Have I told him recently that if there was a possibility of more between him and me that I’d stop the dating and having sex with others? Also no.

I honestly feel like I haven’t said those things because I find them too obvious to say. (Or maybe I’m too scared to find out for sure that he absolutely doesn’t want things with me?) How does he not just know how I feel about him? From the amount of time I spend messaging him, from the things I say to him? I’m not a naturally open person, I don’t tend to like being vulnerable with others but I am with him. I want to be vulnerable with him, I want him to see my vulnerability. To see me. I tell him about other dates and other people I’ve had sex with almost to include him in it. To show him that even if others are present, that he’s a priority to me. That I want to share these things with him. But without saying that to him it’s really not obvious to anyone that that is what I’m doing or how I’m feeling.

That felt like a lot of words and paragraphs to say that I’m really shit at communicating the important stuff. God, I really need to do better. But also, I think it’s time that I either say the hard stuff or walk away.