I started messaging someone about a month ago. We both frequent a website that includes an area with forum threads and I’d seen his name around before that. Mostly at the end of a thread where he’d share a very blunt comment that cut through a lot of the bullshit on whatever topic the thread was about. And it was these comments that stuck out for me, they made me laugh mostly. I think there’s something appealing in others that is very opposite to how I am. Overly wordy versus straight to the point.

And I think that’s how my crush started. Another forum thread asked to say something nice about the poster above. And when I clicked on it, the poster above was him. And I said I liked the artsy photos he’d included on his profile. It was nice to see someone that had put some thought and effort into the aesthetic. I appreciate the creativity in others. His lighting was incredible, the angles of his pictures. It felt like a glimpse into his personality, seeing his pictures.

None of these little interactions materialised into anything more. Until they did. He messaged first and I felt like there was something about him. Maybe it was something that I’d created in my head about him? but I remember within the first few messages I’d already shared something deeply personal about myself with him. And it shocked him too. There was real surprise but also, I think, appreciation in the sharing.

And it carried on from there. He was interesting to talk to. Conversation could go deeper, could maintain light and funny. It could veer off into completely random places. And I felt excited every time I saw his name in my Inbox. It felt okay to just bring up other things I was thinking about. And at some point I started thinking …I really like this man. I like the way he thinks, his approach to things. I find that I’m drawn to people with a certain sort of quality to them that manages to balance out my own high emotion. But in a way that made me still feel safe, comfortable. I felt like I told him things I don’t share with everyone. I opened up in a way that I would usually find scary to do. But it didn’t feel scary. It felt natural, it felt easy. And there were times where I pulled away from that feeling, unsure of how to handle that.

And other times I leaned into it. He was an early inspiration for me starting this blog, he was the person that gave me a suggestion for a title for this blog. I liked his open appreciation for certain things about myself. One of my favourite things that he also noticed about me was my talent for storytelling. And I felt like with the smallest encouragement from him, I wanted to do more. To explore it more. To find out where it would take me. And there was something in that for me specifically with him. Like, I liked doing things for him to say complimentary things to me. I liked that he could be really open and say he liked whatever was between us. That he could say really nice things about me just like that. So carefree, without overthinking what it means or what it is. Simple. To the point.

In the end, I got on a train to meet him. He was in the area for work and on the way to meet him I mentioned that I have travel anxiety. I don’t generally hide my anxious brain but I’m also not usually so open about it either. Meeting him took two trains and some walking in an unfamiliar place with my no sense of direction. I remember when I did finally find him, I sat opposite him in a cafe and just put my head in my hands to do some deep, calming breaths. Because I needed it. And I felt okay to do that in front of him.

I thought it would be a really weird thing. To be sitting in front of someone that I’d been talking to online for so long (that I had a massive crush on). To have those conversations face to face without the self editing that can sometimes take place over messaging. That it might be too weird to reconcile the person I’d been getting to know online with the person in front of me with his actual face and smile and hands. Eyes that could see all of me and not just the artfully crafted words that I’d send him. But it felt like only momentary weirdness and then it was gone. And the overwhelming crush on him was still there.

There aren’t that many people that I feel like I can truly be myself with. I don’t think I allow myself that freedom or maybe I don’t feel truly comfortable with that many people. But that day I met him? I felt like the entire day I was able to be authentically me. When after he’d finished his drink he asked if I wanted to see his insane hotel room? I laughed and said that’s the cheesiest pick up line up I’d ever heard but he took me to his hotel room and it was a pretty unique space.

And it felt easy and comfortable to be alone in that room with him too. Talking on his bed as his stroked my leg, the way that he looked at me as I continued to babble away. I told him I was awkward and talking too much even after all of his really great touching and he said something like he wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t me (with all the words) and have I said before how sexy I find acceptance? What I loved about the way he touched me then was that it was so specific. It was exploratory like he was on some voyage of discovery to find out what type of touch I like, the right pressure, the right places to touch. With no sense of being in a rush, like there was nowhere else he’d rather be than there running his hands along my thighs. I couldn’t even begin to describe how much one particular touch, quite firm on my hip did things to me in a way that I’ve never experienced. Together with the kissing. Can you have such a hot experience with both of you fully clothed throughout?

Afterwards, we walked and talked in the sunshine. At some point he took my hand and we held hands as we walked for the rest of the afternoon. And I hadn’t realised how much I had missed that. That I felt like I needed it. To have that sense of physical connection with another person, and not just any person. This person. And he was so great about it. He’d squeeze my hand when I got to a sad part in a story and it felt like, I’m here, it’s okay. It was such a small thing but I felt so emotional about it. And it was just the natural way that he’d reach out his hand as I was speaking and just touch my hand. How are people like that? How is that so easy? I love people that are so free with their physical affection. I could get addicted to it. But it felt like one of those things that just added to the joy of spending time with him. It was lovely day and he was a lovely man.

When we said goodbye at the station, he thanked me as we hugged. Acknowledging, I guess, that it isn’t easy for me with the travel. But in that moment I’d forgotten the panic of that morning. The feeling of being lost. Because the memory had been paved over by the sunshine, by the easy conversation, by great kisses and laughter. And it was all just so nice.

I felt too distracted on the journey home to read my book. I felt buzzed from the day, from all these feelings I hadn’t yet processed, that I didn’t know what to do with. Out of habit, I checked the website we both use. And as I’m clicking around, looking at the normal things I look at I noticed something unusual. I didn’t want to spoil the high of my day but it was one of those things that scratched against things that are Not Okay for me. So I asked him about it.

And it turned out that he’d let someone else in on my privacy. Which opened this door for someone close to him to invade the space he and I had created together in a way that meant that I no longer felt safe. In fact, all of a sudden that space felt spoiled and from this other person, unexpectedly unkind.

So that’s all it will ever be. One great day in the sunshine.