As I hinted at in this post, I didn’t always say ‘no’ when the actual sexiest person I’ve ever encountered asked me to meet him. There was some definite hesitance on my part. At the time I was still married, as was he. But one day I was in a particularly low patch with my (now) ex husband that I said to him, let’s do this. Are you free on Tuesday? And he was.

Because I’m me, I put restrictions on him. I asked him for however long we were together that he make no sexual comments, that he do nothing sexual. I told him I was already on the very brink of changing my mind and cancelling that I couldn’t face any additional pressure from him that anything could or would happen. I took the possibility off the table long before we met.

We were to meet in a bookstore in a town local to me. Fairly early in the morning. Like, earlier than I’d normally expect to meet someone. I was a ball of nerves beforehand and I sent some panicked messages to my best friend who talked me down from the ledge. I got to the bookstore early and very nervously hung around the front of the store, always facing the door, looking out for him.

The very second he walked in the door my heartbeat started racing, I feel like I had problems breathing. I remember thinking this is a fucking great way to start – flailing before we’ve properly met. The moment he walked in the door he pulled out his phone and sent me a message. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to show off his sexy forearms.

He was taller than I expected when I walked up to him to say ‘hello’ and I noticed he smelled good when he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I was clearly nervous and probably said so straightaway but he only grinned and took over the conversation. Asking if I’d been browsing long, asking if there was anything that I found interesting. It was the right call, and I ended up talking about a non-fiction book that I was interested in (that I still don’t have a copy of and have never read).

We browsed for a bit but ended up in a cafe close by where I ordered a hot chocolate that I don’t particularly like drinking unless I’m poorly or it’s Christmas but I felt like I needed something comforting. Luckily, some of my nerves had worn off and we ended up having a good conversation while he had our drinks. He told me about being in the army, about an idea he had about a book he wanted to write involving chess.

In fact we had such a good time talking that we carried on talking through browsing again at Waterstones where he bought a ‘thank you’ gift for a friend that had hosted him the previous weekend. We wandered into some other shops on the High Street including one home store where he let slip that he likes canning vegetables which I thought was the most fascinating and adorable thing.

There were definitely times that I felt shy around him. I was still particularly nervous around tall men at that time. But I liked his confidence, the sure way he walked and moved. His eyes were the prettiest shade of blue and his gaze was quite intense when he focused on me. He seemed a bit self conscious of his teeth being slightly crooked but I loved when he forgot that and did a full smile anyway.

We talked for so long that we had to stop for a late lunch. I don’t always feel comfortable eating in front of someone new but he made it easier by eating so focused on his own food (and a lot of it) that he barely even glanced up to see what I was doing with my own food.

It was just so nice to spend time in his company. This man that had inspired fantasies and gave me such a confidence boost when I felt like such a frumpy housewife. He didn’t touch me at all during the day we spent except to kiss my cheek hello and goodbye. But there was enough in the way he looked at me, the attention he gave me that I knew without my guidance that there couldn’t be anything sexual that there would have been something sexual between us.

He sent me a message almost straightaway after we’d said goodbye as I was walking back to my car. It said ‘your arse looks great in that dress’ and I gasped when I read it and turned back to see if he was still stood there watching me walk away from him but he wasn’t.

I sent him a message later saying that I thought we should meet again sometime soon, and that next time there should be no restrictions. He agreed. But his work got busy shortly after that and he had very little free time to meet. But we carried on messaging. Sometimes for hours at a time. It always started off with a heavy sexual nature and somehow it evolved into talking about everything. Life, music, the decisions we’ve made. Canning vegetables and books.

I definitely felt a lot for him and eventually he sent me a message to say that he felt the same towards me. And that he had reached a crossroads where he had to make a decision to carry on the way he was going or to dedicate himself to his wife and their marriage. So he made his choice and we never met or messaged again.