It took me quite awhile after I separated from my ex husband to actually get out there and start meeting other people. It was a pretty scary thing. I’d met my ex when we were both young, we’d spent the majority of our lives together. To start over again at my age felt like such a huge thing.

So I took my time with it. And when I felt ready I put myself out there. I think the hardest thing for me in the beginning (and it took quite some time to get better at it) is that I started out with some very low confidence, carrying the baggage and weight of things that had been said or done in my long term relationship. I remember thinking (and it becomes a regular thought that pops up every now and again) is if I couldn’t make my marriage work how could I make something else with someone else work? Who is going to want me? What do I even bring to the table in a new relationship? I have no experience with sex or dating how do I even start figuring some of this stuff out?

Very quickly, I ended up talking with this one man that seemed promising. He was very interested in getting to know me. We went for walks. He used to call me 2-3 mornings a week on his way to work and we’d have long conversations in that still getting to know you stage where everything about each other is fascinating.

Crucially, we had sex. It was something that I really worried about. When it happened, it wasn’t anything to write home about. He was probably more selfish sexually than he’d led me to believe but I (mostly) didn’t care. Because it felt like it was this huge hurdle that I was nervous to jump over. But I did. And it was fine. I’d go on to have better (and worse) sexual experiences over time. But the first step? The first step had been taken.

We worked in the same area and had a lot in common. He was patient and kind. He took an interest in me and made me feel like there was more to us. But what got us in the end? We had an argument over a television show. He got very ‘but what about men?’ about the objectification of Aiden Turner in Poldark. I thought we were having a lighthearted debate about it and so I batted back some arguments against his opinion and he took it all very seriously, said I wasn’t being very ‘inclusive’ in my language and eventually when I wouldn’t apologise and wouldn’t back down on what I had said he blocked me. It felt incredibly childish and I remember thinking ‘what even is my life?’

Even so, as much as I laugh about what actually happened, I’m still grateful to have taken that first step. All the steps that I’ve taken since then have been easier but that first step is a doozy.