One of the things I’ve struggled with during this whole journey is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with other people. I struggle with getting my own needs met and carrying on with those who don’t consider my needs. In fact, at times, I struggle to keep in mind what my actual needs are.

I feel like I’ve been conditioned my entire life to put the needs of others before my own and if anything, to squash what I need to almost nothing. It’s always been more important to please others and if that brings a little bit of discomfort to myself, no big deal.

It was only during some therapy sessions that I had a few years ago that I really understood the extent of how much I’d shrunk myself down. And since then, I do sometimes have my (very lovely and helpful) therapist’s voice in my head. She’s like the little angel on my shoulder reminding me that it’s okay for me to exist in the world, it’s okay that I’m putting my needs first, she reminds me that it’s not my responsibility to maintain the wants and needs of others.

And I have varying amounts of success from this. But I bring it up with a specific example. I had this friend that I met last year. He was very friendly and open with me, we went through an extended period of getting to know each other. We met in a board game cafe, a normal cafe. He and I discussed a great number of things. Yes, we had sex, but that almost felt secondary to our friendship. He’s married but in an open, ethically non monogamous relationship with open communication. It was all above board. We talked about this quite a bit in fact, how they both reached that decision and it was very interesting.

Once, last October, he had mentioned that him and his wife had been going through some difficulties around their open marriage and that it was causing some conflict. I was sympathetic, offered him the chance to talk about it if he needed and asked if it distraction would be better – I’m great at sharing cute dog videos and funny stories if that was preferable. He laughed and said a mixture might be just the thing.

Except he ghosted me after that. There were no further communication at all. At least not until about a month or so ago. When he popped up as though nothing had happened, that the months long gap of no messaging wasn’t a thing at all. He said he had quite a bit to update me on, would I like to meet up sometime for coffee? Reluctantly, I agreed. My social conditioning, you’ll remember puts me at a disadvantage here.

We met up for that coffee, he explained what had happened in the months of silence and he acknowledges those months too. ‘Of course, in that time I couldn’t message you – and you understood’ was something he said to me that niggled at me when he said it and afterwards. But I didn’t understand. He never said specifically that there would be no contact, in fact, I had offered a communication style and he had agreed.

When I finally understood that how I was feeling was hurt and angry, I told him so. To his utter bafflement. ‘I wasn’t aware that I could hurt you,’ he had said. Which I think just reassures my decision. That someone so clueless and unconcerned about my feelings and expectations is not someone that I want to spend any more energy on. I blocked him.

My therapist would be proud. I had a feeling, I expressed that feeling, I followed through on a decision to put myself and my emotional needs first. Long may it continue.