…as a demisexual and reciprosexual is a question I get asked quite often.

The way that my sexualities mean is that I don’t feel a sexual attraction to others until the two conditions have been met: an emotional connection has been formed (demisexual) or they’ve expressed a sexual interest in me (reciprosexual). I’m fairly open about the challenges these can bring to dating or sexual experiences and I manage them okay, I think.

I’m not going to lie, it can be quite a struggle. But as this blog illustrates, I do okay. I think the challenge for me initially was getting past how visual dating apps can be/are. For this, when I’m looking at someone’s picture online I look at it and ask myself several different questions:

Does this person look like the sort of person that would be kind to my dog? Does this person look like the sort of person I could babble in front of in my awkwardness? Do they look like the sort of person who would take things at my speed? Or check in on how I’m feeling or doing? Do they look like the sort of person that I could be honest with? That might take rejection well if I never felt sexual attraction to them? It’s a lot of on the spot judgement in a picture but it’s pretty much all I’ve got – does your face look kind? Does it look open and willing to see things from my perspective in how I experience sex and dating?

Once I get over the visual hurdle, I find that a lot of allosexual people can go from zero to sixty in seconds. And it takes me far longer to get there. With some getting to know you messaging, really delving into someone else’s brain and how it works. Patience is always good. And a good dash of understanding and acceptance too. Sometimes I’m not aware of my attraction right away. Sometimes it takes several dates, sometimes it takes some kissing for me to know (or not know!). There’s no timeline here. And not everyone is okay with that. Sometimes I’m not even okay with that. But I’m working on it.