At the beginning of the year I had a gross cold and just as I was feeling that the cold symptoms were starting to clear I got this bad sore throat that meant swallowing was difficult and I was in a lot of discomfort. I couldn’t get through to my GP surgery so I called 111.

In the end, that day I spoke to three different medical professionals. By that evening, I had a prescription for antibiotics and also a recommendation to call my GP after the antibiotics course runs out if my symptoms persist or get worse. And they did. Persist. Get worse. So I called my GP.

And what followed was about 6 weeks of uncertainty, stress, confusion and worry. Based on the symptoms that I’d mentioned (difficulty swallowing for at least 6 weeks and coughing up blood) I was given an urgent referral through the NHS to rule out more ‘serious things’. There was a lot of euphemisms that were bandied about in those 6 weeks but essentially it was to rule out cancer.

Cancer.

God, that’s pretty serious, right? And I pretty much shut down while I was waiting for my appointment. Everything felt overwhelming and I honestly felt like I couldn’t function. I stayed in bed a lot. I listened to music and audiobooks but I couldn’t tell you anything I’d heard when I was doing it.

I had all these awful thoughts. Dramatic thoughts. I’d look at my dog, my perfect, beautiful dog and I’d think what if my dog outlives me? When I started thinking about my family I ended up being paralysed from the thoughts. There wasn’t any kind of depth I could go into with those thoughts. Just a vague what will happen? and darkness followed.

It wasn’t cancer. Tests with a specialist confirmed it, I had a camera in my throat, I did a swallow test. There was nothing unusual or abnormal in any of my results. It ended up being the smallest, stupidest thing – inflammation following a viral infection that went away on its own. I am ridiculously grateful to the NHS and everyone that interacted with me during that period of time for being so patient and kind with me.

But it really took its toll on me. There’s nothing like a cancer scare to really tell you what’s important in life. Who is important. Who shows up for you when you’re crying all day from worry and can’t think or talk about anything else.

For me, it also highlighted the ways in which my life right now don’t really align with the life I want. It feels like such a cliche to be faced with the possibility of death and for it to make you see more clearly what you want from life.

And it’s not too much to ask to want these things, is it?

A clean break from my ex husband. The freedom to make my own choices with my time, my finances. To live in my own space. To have better and renewed relationships with those closest to me. Plans to look forward to. A job that is rewarding and provides purpose. To continue learning and growing. To have an outlet for creativity. To be satisfied in my sexual and emotional connections.