Is it just me or are many things in my life fuelled by shame?!

I met a lovely man recently, we had a lovely time. The date was a walk in a local park. Partway through we did find a bench and natter away without the addition of the physical activity. But before we got to the sitting and talking we did the walking and talking.

And do you know much I was filled with shame when he was like, should we go this way or that way? And I’d choose the option that was less uphill? We did end up going up some of the hills in the bloody park and do you know what happened? I ended up feeling out of breath as I walked uphill and continued to chat.

Christ alive, that’s embarrassing. So, in the end, I felt like change was needed. The next day, which happened to be the start of a new month I decided was the day I got back into running.

I used to run quite a lot. During lockdown, I used to have a 5 day schedule for running to keep it interesting. Wednesday was my sprints day where I’d run 1 minute sprints as quickly as I could then walk. Sprint and walk. Fridays, for a bit of excitement, I’d run for longer and do a 10k. What an exciting life lockdown was for awhile, don’t you think?

But those days have been long gone. Aside from this new surge in running, I hadn’t run since things ended with my ex. I honestly felt like I just couldn’t face it. Part of that was because at the time I’d had designs to join the same running club he was part of. I thought it’d be fun to do something together. And then I thought can I even do this on my own again and enjoy it in the same way?

And that feeling led me to me being so unfit that I couldn’t even walk up a mildly steep hill without wanting to pant at the top of it. How did I get to this point in my life?

I am enjoying running again though. I’m hoping to add in some strength training so I have more definition in my body too. But I’m definitely doing this for the most part because I love that I’m setting time aside for myself. I remember telling my therapist years ago that I loved our sessions because it was a defined time in my life, in my week where I am the priority. And when I put my running shoes on I get that same sort of feeling.

I’m also hopefully getting stronger and fitter and with a better ability to chat for ages. Because good lord, once you get me going, I could talk forever.