I’ve been job hunting recently. Recently is probably misleading. I’ve been in the same job for 2.5 years and the same week that I started this new job I was already looking for a new job. It’s been kind of off and on but I would say lately job hunting has taken up a significant amount of my time.

I put a lot of work into job applications. And because I’ve been putting a lot of effort into job hunting and job applications lately, I feel like I can’t help but raise my hope and expectations that something good will come of these job applications. Work has been quite challenging recently and I like to work towards the idea that soon enough all my hard work will pay off, someone will see the inherent value in what I would bring to a new organisation and offer me loads of money to make that change.

Except the other day, I was faced with the hardest rejection I’ve had to date. Where a role came up and the location, the job responsibilities, the company, the benefits, everything about it made think ‘this one, this is the I want.’ And then I was summarily rejected for it in one of those mass automated emails.

I cried. And then I took myself out for Thai food. And then I decided last-minute to show up to this party hosted by people from the sex website I use. I thought, why not head over? I’ll see people I know, maybe meet new people. It’ll be something fun and exciting and will distract me from my life disappointments.

And… in going to this party I ended up facing even more rejection. I guess I didn’t really think it through beforehand. But I knew a handful of people going including someone I’ve recently had sex with and who I’d planned on meeting again soon. I figured what could go wrong?

Well. What could go wrong is that I’d feel awkward around the person I’d recently had sex with because he was feeling awkward about someone else there. We’d barely interact and because of a misunderstanding when a group of women and I went to the toilet it looked liked we’d all left and so he left without saying goodbye. And that felt weird.

When I brought it up the following day with him it turns out those plans we had? He’d made plans with someone else for the same day. And I just can’t. I know they were tentative, not set in stone plans. We hadn’t discussed where we’d be meeting or when we’d meet or any level of detail other than are we both free that day. But even so, it hurt.

I feel like this early on in a sexual relationship I shouldn’t be feeling like I’m not someone’s priority. Or like plans with me are easily changeable without consequence. I don’t want to feel like I’m not important or like I’m second or third choice. So this whole thing has been paused. Who knows if we’ll come back to it if priorities shift or the situation changes? But for now? I’m chalking this one up to another rejection.