I started talking to someone really interesting a few days ago. From start to finish it was probably only four days. But I still cried over it earlier. Part of that was down to the shattered possibility and I suppose part of that was because of how fucking relentless rejection and disappointment there is when meeting new people.

But I guess I’m jumping ahead of myself.

We started messaging four days ago. His first message to me I thought was a copy/paste message but I was having a slow day so I wrote back a quick ‘thank you’ message. And the messages just didn’t stop from there. I felt bad at the time, but I really liked that when I said other people being vague sets my teeth on edge, he responded by being clear about all the things that he’d been vague about.

And I broke all my rules for him too because I was hugely enjoying the conversation. I accepted his friend request which allowed him to see all my half-naked pictures before we met. I gave him some personal information so we could chat on a different platform that I wouldn’t have normally done until we’d met in person.

And I don’t regret either of those things. Especially when it meant that messaging on a different platform included him sending me loads of voice messages. God, I love voices. So much. And he has a really great voice. The first one that he sent I was so distracted by the sound of his voice, the inflection in his words, in the pauses between words that I almost didn’t take in what he had said. And I’m fairly certain I listened to all his voice messages more than once. I love the intimacy of hearing someone’s voice in that way. And I think you share things about yourself that way too and it was lovely having him share those things.

We ended up arranging to meet a lot quicker than I’d normally do as well. It kind of went towards how much I was enjoying our conversation. He made me laugh and smile more than anyone else I’ve spoken to in a really long time. And I loved the variety of conversation, that he was so engaged in the getting to know you phase. I was really into the idea of having this person in my life in whatever capacity where I just really, really enjoyed his company. Did I get my hopes up too much and too quickly? Probably.

We talked about work and relationships and dating apps. I guess I was still holding things back because I never told him my real name or shared a picture of my dog, so maybe some part of me knew?

I did tell him that being around tall people is a bit intimidating for me. And we discussed it a bit as he falls into this category. But in the end no matter the warnings about it, it was the reason for it all to come screeching to a halt. I said something like, he’s looming as I took step away from him. After kissing him. And I guess it doesn’t matter now that the kissing was incredibly hot that in that moment my brain went off into a tangent about more, that in that moment I wanted so much more.

Part of what hurt about the whole situation is the way his messages immediately changed. Leaving me on read for short periods of time, messaging shorter messages. The entire tone of his demeanour changing in an instant from open and engaging to closed and shut off.

Back to square one.