Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.

I was feeling a bit …unsettled with him. So after trying to bring it up with him twice in very vague ways, I eventually bit the bullet and sent a very direct question instead.

If I ask a bunch of really direct questions, would you answer honestly?

Yes, he said.

But because there was a time gap of about 20 minutes between me asking and him responding I ended up going down my usual route. Of total and utter avoidance.

Do you like Indian food? I asked instead. And sent a picture of my meal.

Why am I like this? It’s so frustrating. For me. For him. For anyone else even remotely connected to me. Instead of just asking the questions, instead of just plucking up the courage to have the difficult conversations I just end up prolonging my own agony. My own insecurities.

I am determined to do better. To work harder at being more direct. Open. Honest. About how I’m feeling. About how certain behaviours trigger things in me. About how I can emotionally heal myself.

But if you’re wondering, that Indian food was really incredible. Would have again.