Okay, I want to tell you this story first before I go into a bit of a thread on a similar topic.

For whatever reason, I was clearing out who I follow on Instagram and when I realised I had very little interesting content on my feed left, I ended up following some of the accounts that regularly appeared on my feed. One of those was a therapist who makes short videos discussing therapy concepts and ideas but in short video formats. I have an interest in psychology and therapy has been a big part of my life, so I thought ‘why not?’

Well. I have a great reason for ‘why not?’ and it’s because I watched one of these videos and I absolutely spiraled about it. I even messaged a friend afterwards to ask ‘do you think I’m a terrible person?’ to which, of course, my friend said ‘NO, why?’ When I explained he did say my first mistake was following a social media therapist (and I do not disagree!) But let me walk you through it.

I can’t quite remember what the topic of the video was. I remember the gist of it though which was about terrible people. And how terrible people don’t have long term friends. That makes a sort of sense, right? That people who are consistently awful can’t maintain friendships for long because people get sick of their shit and move on. Only as soon as I heard this therapist say this thing my first thought was ‘oh my god, I’m a terrible person’ – because my first instinct was to think that I don’t have long term friends. Therefore the reason is that I’m not a good person to be around.

Do you know that it took me months and months and months before I realised that isn’t the case? My friend tried to help me get there quicker by saying that trauma has probably paid a part and that trust in others is harder to manage. And I do agree with that and I appreciate his attempt at trying to make me feel better, I do.

But what I came to realise, and realise incredibly slowly, is …that I do have long term friends. My brain went to ‘who has known me since childhood and is still my friend?’ and there aren’t people like that. So I stopped there. But this year has been incredibly difficult for me in lots of ways and I’ve realised that I have friends all over the place.

The book group I’m part of has been running for almost 10 years and I’ve been part of that for almost that time. And I talk to my book group about men, and dating, and my ex husband and work and families and life generally. Why am I blind to this fantastic supportive network? And once I realised that I saw that there were other pockets of friendship. A family that my ex husband initially knew is a friendship group of over 25 years. There are people that I know and remain friends with from a hobby that I did for 10 years but stopped almost a decade ago. Friends I know that I used to work with. Friends I know that I met through my children. Friends that I’ve maintained through sex, dating and relationships.

What I’ve come to realise about this whole thing is that I’m quick to jump to the most negative thing about myself. Even when the evidence is there to disprove it all. I’m not a terrible person. I’m not awful enough that I’ve chased off any decent, friendly person in my life.

I have friends. I have good friends. I just need to view myself better. Reframe who I am to include being deserving and worthy of friendship. To include that I am a good person.