He started messaging me many weeks ago. I enjoyed the conversation, we talked quite a bit about work, about hobbies, about dogs. He had an interest in photography, he’d taken random weekend trips to the coast or into Wales and it sounds exciting, different, impulsive.

He suggested we meet up for a coffee and for three weeks, we couldn’t find a day and time that worked for both of us. If I’m honest, I think I lost some of my interest in him during those three weeks just through how drawn out it was, through the painful small talk that occurs when you’re just waiting for the thing to happen but it doesn’t. But when I suggested that we exchange details to message each other elsewhere to where we met on the day we finally did have a coffee date … I felt a bit unsure.

I’d said to a friend the day before that I wasn’t sure if there was any attraction on my part. I know that attraction is difficult for me but I think in this case, I was fairly sure I wasn’t attracted to him. I enjoyed talking to him but there was no spark there. And what compounded that feeling is seeing his profile picture on the app where we exchanged details. It was a picture that I recognised, I’d seen his picture on a dating app recently …and swiped left. Well. That doesn’t bode well, does it?

I still ended up meeting him for coffee. Maybe the attraction thing was all in my head? I recognised him as he got out of his car and I walked over to him and smiled. He did a double take at me as though the first time he looked he hadn’t recognised me. That was a hit to my ego, if I’m honest.

We walked in together and chatted awkwardly as he ordered a coffee. I’d gotten a juice and said ‘no thanks’ to the offer of a glass to pour it into. That was a mistake. I opened it and for whatever reason, as I went to take a drink, droplets of apple juice ended up falling into my cleavage, onto my crossed legs. I just kept touching the damp spots on my leggings. I could feel the juice on my fingers and I couldn’t concentrate on whatever it was he was saying. I excused myself to get a glass from the counter and if I’m honest, I considered just walking out there and then.

It isn’t that I didn’t feel comfortable, it’s that I felt nothing. When I went back to our table we talked about many things. His photography, work, our children, his weekend plans. It was all fine. But none of it excited me, nothing that he said made me laugh? There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s lovely. But it really was just wasn’t working for me.

I told him honestly that I needed to head off and we said our goodbyes. We stood slightly awkwardly outside the cafe and I knew he was considering whether or not to ask for a kiss. I crossed my arms over my chest, gave him a cheery smile and said ‘was lovely meeting you!’ and walked to my car.

The poor guy did message me when I got home and mentioned that he’d wanted to kiss me. That he couldn’t take his eyes off me. He told me several times that he liked the way I looked, that he was happy we’d finally met. And I had to tell him that I didn’t think there was anything there. He suggested meeting again as friends and I said ‘maybe’ and we did continue chatting for another few days.

After I’d had a busy weekend, and had mentioned some challenges I was facing he asked to see me again. I said look, I’m really stressed right now, I don’t think so. I think he took offence at that and asked ‘Should we continue chatting or just call it a day?’ and I thought he meant that day. Like, he’d give me some space that day but based on the fact that he hasn’t messaged me since, I think he might call it a day on us being friends.

I’m not upset about it. I think it’s probably the right thing and I think I would have suggested that otherwise. But I am surprised. I feel like our friendship was contingent on being available to him either through messaging or to meet up and I’d had a busy couple of days and work was chaotic. I’m not here for someone I don’t even fancy to feel entitled to anything from me?

Back to square one.