What dating does is that it starts to make me question my own ability to judge a person’s character. A person that seems so with it and considerate and really respectful ends up being the worst kind of person. Or at least that’s what happened in this case.

I had met him online. His profile was interesting, engaging. Definitely showed off his personality, that he was funny. Messaging that confirmed that too. And it wasn’t one-sided. He asked me questions, paid attention to the answers. I was feeling really seen in our interactions.

After several weeks of messaging, we decided to meet up for a drink. We decided on this cool space halfway between both of us. I told him that I’d never been before and when I asked him about the parking situation he seemed to understand the underlying anxiety I have about driving new places and specifically for parking. He gave me really detailed instructions on how to get to the place and suggested that we meet at the top story of the car park (where there was more space for me to park!) and he’d walk with me to the place. I wholeheartedly agreed.

And we had a great evening. I thought so at the time. Looking back on it? There was probably a red flag I missed about how much he talked, how much time he spent telling stories. Stories that were long, detailed and told to elicit specific responses. But I thought he was funny and interesting. We kissed in the car park at the end of the evening and it was nice. Maybe didn’t set my world on fire but it was nice. He was nice.

We carried on messaging but hadn’t had a chance to meet again for another few weeks. When I mentioned my birthday was the next week he offered a birthday ‘gift’ in the form of getting a day use hotel to spend the day naked in bed together. It was unusual but I was in a period of time where I was saying ‘yes’ to more things so I said ‘yes’ to this.

And it started well. We talked for ages lying next to each other on the bed. Catching each other up on things going on in our lives. When things led into sex, he asked me about my boundaries. What things do I like, what do I not like. What can’t be done, what should absolutely happen. And while it felt a little clinical and unsexy, I at least liked the intent.

And things were nice the first time. I felt we both really enjoyed each other. Then as we laid next to each other catching our breath, he started talking. And he did not stop talking for the next four hours. No exaggeration there. Four hours. And while some of that talking was interesting and funny, some of it was concerning.

There was a lot of complaining that at first sounded humorous and lighthearted. About his manager, his friends’ partners, his colleagues. But the accumulation of complaints felt overwhelming after awhile. And a lot of it was Not Good. Especially when it got into talking about his ex, the mother of his child. That he’s had a tumultuous relationship with, apparently. That also included his convicted assault against her. That he mentioned so casually in conversation. Like, no big deal. He even admitted it. That he’d done it, that he’d felt justified in it. That he’d do it again.

I’ve felt unsafe with men before. But I felt unsafe in this moment so much more than I had before. Being naked. Being in a hotel room with him. Not knowing what to say, how to react. How I could (safely) extract myself from this situation. In the end, timing and a bit of a medical mishap saved the day. Not only did we need to checkout by a certain time but he had a flareup of a medical issue that meant that we both needed to get dressed and go.

So I did. And I never saw him again. I blocked his number and I hope to never feel so unsafe again.