I’ve written before about a man that had an enormous impact on my life (and also a fantasy that he inspired!) But there were also other things that he helped me realise. It was through him that I first had an interest in writing poetry again and he also helped me unravel parts of myself I hadn’t known by exploring our fantasies together.

That’s pretty much how it started. We had been talking for quite some time before things turned sexual between us. And when it did, he always had questions. What do I like? What makes me feel good? What would I do if I had the chance to explore sex more? And I don’t think I always had the answers for a lot of his questions. Not then, anyway. So we talked about it more.

Once, he asked me outright to tell him a fantasy I’d had. And at this time I was firmly of the belief that I’m heavily submissive (more on this later!) and I described to him this fantasy I had about being tied up in bed and being teased and then fucked. It felt only slightly mortifying to describe this fantasy in detail to him but he took it in his stride. Asking questions, trying to probe what I’d prefer in different parts of my fantasy – this or that? to really flesh out my fantasy. I could tell, and he probably told me at the time, that this wasn’t a scenario that appealed to him but that didn’t matter. It was about me and what I wanted to explore so he walked me through my description and was really with me on it.

Afterwards, I felt relief. Both because some of my embarrassment had ended but also because I’d been able to put into words something that I’d only ever thought of before this. It felt like a release. And because I thought it had been such a great experience for me to talk about my innermost desires, I asked him to do the same. To tell me a fantasy of his in great detail. When he said his fantasy was a threesome with two women I distinctly remember my eyes nearly rolling out of my head and I probably typed at him that he’s such a cliche. But in a lighthearted, we feel really comfortable with each other way.

But of course because he’d been so patient and great and walking me through my fantasy I decided to do the same with him. I started asking questions about what appeals about it, what makes it a fantasy for him, what it would look like to me. But he wasn’t satisfied with him making all the decisions on this fantasy.

He said that I’d be one of the women in this fantasy so why don’t I think of what the other woman would be like? So, reluctantly, I closed my eyes and thought of the sexiest woman I could think of …and in that same second a picture fully formed appeared in my head, and it was of my best friend. Her with her dark hair, big blue eyes, large boobs, the sound of her laughing, the voice notes she sends me that I love so much. And I knew in that instant that I was completely, utterly attracted to her in both a sexual and romantic way.

And it changed everything for me. I had lived over 30 years without realising how into women I am. When I looked back on my life all the signs pointed in that direction. My first sexual experience was with another girl. My confusing thoughts about women’s bodies. The intense friendships I had with other girls growing up where I ended up acting like a jealous girlfriend. Even the intensity of my relationship with my best friend already bordered on more than platonic.

After this massive realisation, I ended up telling my best friend how I felt about her. She admitted that her and her boyfriend had also fantasised about me joining them and she loved that this man and I thought about her. It may never be something that she and I end up exploring. But that’s okay. There’s more to our friendship than this. And it opened my eyes to this part of myself that I’ve enjoyed unravelling in small steps.