There was a period of time where I wasn’t ready to actually go out and meet people for sex or dating. Actual people? That felt too scary and too real for me. I wanted something a little easier than that, like training wheels for sex and dating.

And that’s kind of where my online relationships came in. I would talk to people online who lived in different parts of the UK or even in America! And we’d share things with each other, really get to know each other. Sometimes (okay, most times) that would lead into talking about our fantasies, telling each other what we’d want to do to each other, maybe sending each other lewd pictures and we’d both wank in our respective places.

It was okay for awhile. I was in one such relationship with an American man once. He had lots of time for me and gave me so much attention. Out of everyone online that I got to know in this way, he was the one that most seemed to understand me. And it just felt really accepting as well. Like, he recognised that I’m complicated and confusing and passionate and he just went with it.

There were things that he said to me about myself that really dove deep into the core of me and I was infatuated with him almost because of the deep level of attention he gave me, that he saw and picked up on everything with me. And he loved it all. All of me with my quirks and confusion and inconsistency. And I guess this gave me something that I needed. It was letting me know what it was I wanted when I was really ready to meet someone that didn’t live thousands of miles away.

He did this thing once. Time zones were obviously tricky but it seemed to work and we talked on the phone quite often. He might phone me around 11am as he was driving into work and we’d talk for 45 minutes or an hour depending on what his work schedule looked like. And it was nice. I love voices, I love hearing the tone in someone else’s voice, hearing things in his voice that I’d never have picked up over text.

He went into a petrol station on one of these phone calls and I said to him ‘it’s very loud wherever you are, I can barely hear you’ and he said very loudly ‘my girlfriend says it’s loud in here, can you turn the music down?’ and it was just him being slightly obnoxious and a bit over the top in new relationship energy. But I think about him saying that all the time, even though it’s been years since it happened.

And I think it’s because he was so out loud with acknowledging me in relationship to him. His girlfriend. We hadn’t talked about a label like that, we hadn’t even been talking to each other that long. And he just came out with it, like no big deal. And I think the reason that it’s held on in my brain is that I don’t think it’s common for me to be with these types of people. And I want that.

I think I’m thinking about this one experience now because I want someone to be open about wanting to be with me, that doesn’t mind introducing me as their girlfriend. Someone that’s okay with however they’re feeling about me. I don’t want to be a secret, I don’t want to be uncertain of my place in your life. I want something a bit more out loud.