I am a bit of an overthinker. In my everyday life it can be a bit exhausting in my brain as my thoughts zing off into lots of different directions. I have an anxious attachment style so in relationships I need a lot more reassurance and I deal often with thoughts of insecurity. I have negative thoughts about my body image, my face, and a lot of other worries and concerns.

But! And this is pretty great for me, one of the things I like most about sex is that if I’m with the right person, as in someone who lowers my anxiety and not someone who triggers it, all those overthinking thoughts go away. During sex, I am present in the moment and I’m not bombarded with things I might think when I’m not naked or someone else isn’t touching me. I don’t care if you can see my stretchmarks or that my tummy sticks out. I don’t care about the noises I make during sex or what my O face looks like. I don’t care if my body jiggles and I don’t worry if I’m too heavy to sit on someone’s face. None of those thoughts concern me because during sex? Pleasure is my only thought.

Having said that, I do start to have those thoughts and worries once the orgasm high wears off and also, there are times that I can get thrown out of that ‘in the moment’ mentality. I’ve sometimes brought it up with partners before and I’ve certainly brought it up with my current on/off partner. And that happens when I’m asked questions during sex. It feels like an automatic trigger into overthinking – what’s the right answer here? Does he have a preference? What do I do? What do I say?

I remember the first time he asked me a question during sex. I don’t remember what the question was I just remember my reaction. Which was paralysis. I didn’t know what to say or how to answer so I did nothing. Maybe I started kissing him again and hoped that action would mean he forgot about his question. And then later, when we had clothes on, I brought it up. I said about the overthinking, how I freeze in those sorts of situations. And he understood. He did.

But it was like he wasn’t fully accepting that I should just continue in that way? Because he continues to ask me questions. It’s not every time. But it’s often enough. And I do sometimes freeze and don’t answer. And that’s okay, he doesn’t push it. It’s okay to not answer. But with new questions and some confidence with him I find … I want to answer the questions.

When he asks me what I want I want to be able to tell him I want him to keep kissing me like that, or to pinch my nipples just a little bit or to circle my clit in the way I like. Sometimes I don’t have the words to be that articulate and I don’t mind just saying I want to come and hope for the best that he’s got a good idea for how to get me there. And those things, those things that I tell him I want help me get to the pleasure faster but so does answering the questions. It feels good to me that I can do that.

Some questions are still hard. The last time we met he asked me where I’d like him to come. It was a new challenge for me, he’d not asked me that question before. And it threw me for a minute. My eyes probably went really wide and there was probably a hint of paralysis. But this is new, confident me that can answer questions during sex. So I asked him if he had a preference and he gave me a little smirk before saying he didn’t. ‘Wherever you want it’ handing the ball back into my court. For my answer.

You should have seen his face when I told him my answer. Actually, you should have seen his face and heard the groan of pleasure he did when I said ‘in my mouth it is’ and I guess I’m coming round to the idea that what I want is the right answer.