I do this crazy thing. I don’t know if it’s because of my reciprosexuality or if it’s something else entirely. But when I meet someone new, even if I’ve known that person for ages, I can’t fantasise about doing things with that person unless I know they’d be into it. We’d have to have talked about and they would have to express enthusiasm for it.

My stupid, respectful brain means that I need consent for everything, even in the comfort of my own brain. In my private thoughts.

I feel like I really just can’t be any more ridiculous than I am. It can be exhausting.

It’s like I can’t be taking a shower and have an idle thought ‘oh, I’d like this person to be here with me, pressing me against the shower door, kissing me while water pouring down us both’ No. I can’t have these nice things.

What is nice is that because I have leaned into this quirk of my brain and (mostly) accepted it, if I am into a person I generally do have a conversation early on about what sex things they might be thinking about. With me specifically. I’m not trying to create a script to work towards, more that I’m trying to paint potential pictures in my head.

I’ve been meeting with someone for a year and the last time we were together he said ‘shame I threw the condom away already, it would have been great if you rode me for a bit’ and I swear to you, in that moment my brain zinged off into all different directions and for days after that throwaway comment, I’d think about it.

What it would look like with me straddling him, would I be leaning back, my eyes closed lost in that pleasure? Would I be leaning forward, my hand on his chest for balance as I’m doing some back and forth? Am I touching myself as I’m on top? Is he touching me? Holding one of my hips perhaps?

I need this. I find some people can be a bit awkward about sharing this type of stuff with me but I actually love it.