How do I put into words what it felt like to be loved by you? It’s a difficult one. And I’ve almost scrapped this post three or four times because all of the words feel like a cliche. They feel like too much sometimes because I’m dramatic with how I felt. It was big, and powerful and impactful and I don’t how to describe it without being dramatic. Because what’s dramatic if not just big emotions and big reactions to those emotions? And love? Between you and me? That was pretty great.

(And it also sometimes feel like it’s not enough. Like there aren’t words to describe these feelings. Like they’re inadequate.)

I think the thing that stands out the most is that when we were together, I felt calm. I wasn’t overthinking, I wasn’t panicking or worrying. It felt like when you were with me you brought me peace. And I’ve never felt that way before. It feels intoxicating to feel calm when my regular feeling is one of turmoil, of anxiety. At first I thought it was just our bubble, that being in our bubble together brought an element of safety. But just thinking about you gives me that hit of calm. Even now, more than a year later, I feel a sense of calm when I think of you.

Another big one is acceptance. In the world, with everyone else, I always feel like too much. Too emotional, too serious, too introspective, too dramatic, too loud, just generally too much. But with you? You made me feel like everything about me was just right. And I’m actually starting to cry as I’m writing this because do you know how that feels? To feel like everything about me is just right? That you’ve accepted me just as I am. With my changing moods, with my big feelings, with the tears, the awkwardness, the passing fads of interest. You accepted me just as I was and not only that but you celebrated it. You loved the way I told long, winding stories that don’t make sense until the very end, or the way I’d ask a question and we’d unravel the answer together. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life thanking you for this one feeling and it still wouldn’t be enough.

When you first came into my life, I feel like I was just starting to understand certain things about myself, that I was just starting to accept parts of myself, to know myself better. Better isn’t the right word because I feel like I didn’t know myself at all and then I started to. And when I met you, and you loved me in that messy state it felt like I wanted to take it further. That I wanted to …be the best version of myself. Not for you. But because of you. Does that make sense?

There’s something about you. Maybe it’s not. you and maybe it’s love? But it felt like it magnified everything. All my feelings got bigger and stronger. I felt like I was prettier because I started seeing myself the way you saw me. I felt funnier for the same reason. And sexier. I think I’m generally interested in lots of things but it was like because I was sharing interesting things with you that I felt motivated to be way more interesting than I normally am. Everything felt charged.

And I waited. And waited. For things to calm down. For my feelings to be less. For you to disappoint me. For me to disappoint you. That’s what love has been for me. Always a steady road towards disinterest, towards less. And it was never that way with you. Even when things ended it felt like things still burn bright. Even now, I force myself into focusing on other people, on other situations. But if I wanted to lean back into you and what we were, things probably won’t have changed.

And I don’t know if that’s scary to me or if that’s comforting. It’s probably both. Scary that I continue to have such big feelings for you. But also comforting to know that you’re in the world. And what was between us was real and lasting.