I was talking to a friend earlier and I said something like ‘if I’d had a normal journey through sex this wouldn’t have happened…’ and quite rightly my friend pointed out that someone else’s ‘normal’ will look very differently to mine. Pointing out that normal likely doesn’t exist.

I think what I meant is a type of normal that is expected? But expected by whom? And who is creating this narrative? Again, I get it. Normal doesn’t exist. But it sort of does, right?

When I talk about ‘normal’ I mostly mean the people that started having sex at a reasonably young age (young being left vague here for a reason) and then exploring sex and dating and relationships as a young person into adulthood. And going through those formative experiences. Of knowing stuff about yourself, about other people.

And when I say that my own experiences haven’t been normal I mean that I got married to the first person I had penetrative sex with, we got married ridiculously early and until a few years ago my ex husband was the only person I’d had sex with.

And now here I am, in my 40s, and I feel ridiculously inexperienced. I feel like I’m only just now gaining some sexual confidence. That I’m only just now slowly learning what I enjoy, how to communicate with people I’m having sex with, how to navigate sex. Do I tell potential partners that I don’t want them to spit in my mouth? or just let that happen/not happen naturally?

In the past year and a half, I’d say that I’ve gone through the biggest developmental phase of my life in terms of learning what I want and don’t want during sex, with sexual partners or what I’m even looking for within relationships. And I feel like it’s tough. Everything feels so confusing.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I feel like I’m not getting it right and I’m not being intentional with it in order to chase content. I’m just naturally shit at it. But I feel like I’m making some progress. In large part because I have this safe space.