This morning I was so incredibly horny that I ended up wrapping myself in my duvet and doing breathing exercises for an hour in an attempt to breathe through a really difficult emotion. To try to breathe through an extreme need coursing through me.

Let me back up.

I’ve always had a fairly high sex drive. I’d say ‘for a woman’ but I think I mean just generally high in comparison to other people. When things were ‘normal’ for me, I’d masturbate at least twice a day, three times if I could manage it. The differing sex drives to my previous partners had been a problem as was rejection.

Then something happened eighteen months ago and things stopped being normal. Since that day eighteen months ago, I’ve come across a bit of sexual dysfunction and I can no longer achieve orgasm on my own. I can masturbate, it feels pretty good. It just never reaches completion.

This, understandably, has proven to add a lot of challenges to my life and a great deal of sexual frustration. Sometimes it gets better but sometimes it’s gotten worse and I’d end up crying or having a panic attack in an attempt to get there.

I’ve found that I can (fairly easily) come when in the presence of someone else so for the past year and a bit, I’ve relied exclusively on a helping hand from other people to have something that I used to quite happily have three times a day. It’s been a real struggle and a hard adjustment.

Because of how I am (being demisexual and reciprosexual) and what that brings, it means that I don’t experience sexual attraction in the same way, I need emotional connection. But I also desperately want sexual satisfaction. And it’s two things warring against each other.

It’s been five weeks since I’ve had sex. Which means it’s been five weeks since I had an orgasm. And that is really fucking difficult for me.

I’m at breaking point.