Something happened years ago that scared me. And when it happened, it was one of those things that stayed with me until I understood what it meant.

Based on a loose ‘relationship’ I had with someone online (where the other person ended up telling me about the way his future happiness looked like to him) I ended up closing my eyes and trying to imagine what my future happiness would look like. Who would be in my life in 10 years/20 years/30 years. What would I be doing? How would I be spending my time?

And I realised that when I closed my eyes, I couldn’t really picture it. I knew that I wanted my family with me, but I couldn’t picture my ex husband and myself enjoying our retirement together. That didn’t feel true to me. And I wondered what did that mean?

I think it’s clear what it meant though. I didn’t see a future with my ex husband. He didn’t feature in my own happiness either in the present or in the future. So I thought about it some more. I made decisions regarding my marriage and also I just thought harder about what things I’d like for myself.

And I did come up with a list. A good one. It was filled with beauty, laughter, friendship, a goofy dog. For a really long time this imaginary future didn’t feature anybody else in a romantic way and I was okay with that. I truly believe you can be fully happy with a life full of other things. I was okay with this future.

And then I met my ex. And sometimes when I dreamt or sometimes when I sat down to consider my thoughts and feelings and to think about my future, sometimes I’d have flashes of images where in my future I wasn’t on my own. These flashes of images grew and developed over time, usually within dreams I’d have.

And they weren’t always the same images. In fact, the images started and it didn’t involve my ex at all. They were just images of me dancing with someone. With only my face being visible in my dreams, but it was always of me laughing, of being happy, sometimes I was looking at someone really gently, with a bit of adoration.

The me in this image was sometimes in my kitchen. Sometimes I’m in my back garden surrounded by friends as though we’re barbecuing, sometimes I was in someone else’s space and celebrating a birthday perhaps. Sometimes it’s in the afternoon, sometimes it’s in the evening. Sometimes we’re in a tent outside, sometimes we’re indoors.

Once, I knew when I woke up that I was at my own wedding reception and I was dancing with the man I was going to marry. And sometimes the man I was marrying looked like my ex. There is a particular song playing during this image.

I don’t think I ever told my ex about that image. Not until after things with me and him ended. It always felt like a scary image to me. It feels scary to open my heart again in the way I’d need to to make this image come true. And when things ended with that relationship I figured that was it, probably. That branch of a possible future was closed.

But it might not be. Obviously it is closed with him. But I feel determined to not close myself off to the possibility of that image. The one filled with so much joy and happiness, filled with love and comfort. I still want that for myself.