Do you know how hard it is to feel things for someone else and for those feelings to not be returned? That’s the situation that I’m in and have been for quite some time.

I go through a range of emotions about the situation – sometimes I feel really sad or miserable about it. But other times I feel annoyed. Or angry. Sometimes at him for not returning my feelings, but sometimes at myself for carrying on with this thing knowing that the only person that’s getting hurt is me.

Sometimes I think it’s my fault. Because he’s always been honest about what he wants and about how anything ‘more’ isn’t something he’s willing to give for a whole range of different reasons. And I knew that, I’ve known that. But it hasn’t stopped my stupid heart from wanting more than that. So sometimes I do think yes, this is something I’ve created myself. I knew the stakes before we started and when things started to change the simplest thing and the least hurtful thing would have been to end things. But I’m not the greatest at making the smart decisions with these things.

I have tried in the past to put in healthy boundaries and set up certain ways of thinking that will help me. I try clearer communication (‘this is what I want and need from you’) and sometimes that helps. But it doesn’t completely solve the problem. It just delays what I feel is the inevitable.

I want more from him than he is willing to give me. I want to see him more often, I want him to open up to me. I had this frankly horrifying realisation the other day that I consider him a friend but I don’t think he considers me a friend. And do you know what a stab to the heart that is? I brought it up with him but I don’t think it went very successfully.

Sometimes it actually just hits me that I feel like I have to convince this man to see me. Like, ever. If I’m not the one instigating us getting together then we just wouldn’t. And it really hurts to think that I’m so unnecessary in someone else’s life. That it wouldn’t matter if I just disappeared from their life at all. Because I’m not ever really part of it.

I guess the point is that I want a lot of things and I guess, historically, I’ve always felt like I’m being unreasonable to want ALL THE THINGS. But when I look at things now I think … it’s not unreasonable to want the things that I want. It’s not unreasonable to want consistent communication or to spend time with another person that you care about. I get frustrated with myself because where did I go wrong in thinking that the basics are too much?

I guess my hope is that things will change. But I also think I need to have an element of realistic expectations and plan for pain and heartbreak. Will keep you updated.