The time we first went for a walk together and I thought your arms would be too long for me to hold your hand, so instead of trying, I hooked my arm around your elbow and you looked at our arms together and did a silly little bow and said ‘m’lady’ in a way that made me laugh. You took my hand and we held hands every time we saw each other after that.

That first time we spent hours together at the hotel. It wasn’t just all the sex and orgasms (but there was a lot of sex and orgasms!), it wasn’t just all the physical closeness to you, spending such a long time naked and pressed against you. It wasn’t just the emotional closeness as we talked about things we hadn’t brought it before and it wasn’t just that I felt so close to you because of it. It was all of it, it felt like a very intense day and I was on an absolute high after it.

There was a time where maybe we were messaging each other? or maybe I was just thinking about you as I was cooking dinner and a song came on my playlist that was upbeat and happy and I realised the feeling I was having was one of complete joy thinking about you and it made me want to dance in the kitchen.

That time we were laying in the grass and I was feeling shit about that heavy dream I had and I said to you right before I started crying that I was going to start crying and you just held me while it happened. And afterwards we started talking about a philtrum and it always made me laugh that you knew what a philtrum was. And I loved how easy it was to go from emotional to light and easy.

I loved trying new things with you.

Another time, on a walk, you listened to me ramble about WWII films and about the lighting in animated films and about being inspired by pre-Raphaelite artwork and how none of it was ever something you were interested in but you were interested in me so every time I looked at you, you looked rapt by whatever I was saying and I felt like I melted in the way you looked at me.

Every time I had even a slight wobble or anything and the way you effortlessly reassured me and validated my feelings. I feel like you really listened to me whenever I felt shaky or insecure or annoyed or hurt or whatever feeling it was.

The tractor. Always the tractor.