I never used to watch porn.

That’s not quite true. I used to do this thing quite often. Where I’d open a porn website and I’d scroll through the different videos and look at either the thumbnails for a certain look or style or more often I’d look at the titles of the porn videos. And I’d use either the thumbnail visual or the title as inspiration for coming up with my own storyline of what would happen, what it would look like, what it would sound like.

Sometimes if that didn’t work, I would click on the videos. But I’d stop them the instant one of my icks came into it. Bad acting, bad accents, bad visuals. For a long time I’d never finish a video. It was too much to sit through how bad it all was. And those things made it all deeply unsexy viewing.

I figured my imagination was always better.

But these days my porn watching habits have changed. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m relying on it more than I used to (when I could achieve orgasm on my own I had almost no need for porn other than for novelty!) or if it’s because I’m exploring my sexuality more.

Sometimes I watch porn and I only want to see women’s bodies. I want to see everything between two (or more) women. And that scratches an itch.

Sometimes I watch porn and I only want to listen to things. The slap of bodies together, the sound of breathing, of pleasure noises, of body parts coming in and out of another person. Orgasms if they sound natural. And that scratches an itch.

Lately though, things have changed.

Lately I’ve been watching porn and I watch it to explore aspects of sex that I am craving. I don’t necessarily want to do the things I’m seeing in these videos. But I like the idea of exploring the sex that I don’t have. That I can’t have because of how my sexuality works. And I find that exploring parts of sex that I’d closed off feels exciting and new. It feels liberating. And I’m enjoying that.