I’ve been feeling really unsettled lately. And it seemed to be a general feeling of ickiness rather than a situational one. I can usually tell when things are off if stuff at home is going on or work is particularly crap. But this feeling lately didn’t seem to be connected to the usual suspects.

I had to really sit in my feelings for awhile to work out that on the whole I feel really … full of emotion. I can feel quite anxious, I can feel quite insecure. I can feel generally like I’m spinning out of control quite often.

And I’ve found over the years that one thing that helps me is having what I call emotional anchors. I did google the term earlier and the internet says the term refers to something else then how I’m using it but I’m going to stick with it anyway. The way I’m using it, I mean that there are certain things in my life that remain steady, constant, familiar, safe.

Work does that. Routine of life. Going to book club every second Monday of the month. That sort of thing.

But for me, I also find that there are friendships and relationships that steady me as well. My best friend in Australia is a big one for me. There’s something in that decade long friendship where I feel safe and accepted. Celebrated. There isn’t anything I can say to her where she’d judge me or think differently of me. Hers is a friendship where we’ve built an incredible trust between us. An unconditional appreciation for each other.

I started also wondering if there were other anchors other than her. And there are. My ex. We haven’t messaged much recently but even without regular contact I know that if I needed him he’d be there for me in whatever capacity he could be. Even if we aren’t in each other’s pockets as much now as when we were together, I still feel secure in that relationship. He’s important to me and I know that feeling is reciprocated.

My on/off person is an anchor too. It came as a bit of a surprise because I’d consider anchors to be consistent, reliable. But when I thought about it, he’s one for me. And it’s less about good communication and more about the way he makes me feel. The space we’ve created together but in the way I feel, more about the space he’s created for me to be able to bring up things that I worry about, or are unsure of. I tell him things that I don’t tell other people and he’s given me the freedom to share with him deeply personal things. And he’s always made me feel safe in that way. Emotionally as well physically.

But I’ve been feeling unsettled lately. Because I haven’t heard from my best friend in awhile, things were on the rocks with my on/off person and my ex and I, as I mentioned, don’t message as often as we used to.

I feel like it can be hard for me to have my emotional support be reliant on other people with busy lives and families and work. And so I’m trying to shift things more to what is in my control. But also accept that I need other people in my life. Maybe even more than just the three anchors that I have.