I’ve been thinking about you all day. I like closing my eyes and trying to recall all the details of you. I’ve done this a few times before because we don’t see each other that often.

I start at the top, imagine what your hair looks like. Shorter the last time I saw you from the times before. Your eyes, the way your mouth looks like when you smile, the way it looks as you’re close to climax…

No, that’s skipping ahead.

I try to think about what your neck looks like, your shoulders. I try to cast my memories back to naked cuddles after sex for this and I think I do a pretty good job. I think of the hair on your chest. I wonder if I remember what your chest looks like from you being over me during sex or if I’m recalling pictures I’ve seen of you? I’m hoping it’s the former but I’m not ruling out the latter.

I’ve got a pretty good idea that my mental image of your dick is fairly accurate. I think I’ve got your thighs down but everything below your knees is hazy. I don’t think your feet even exist in my brain.

Once your image is in my head I like to think of you very briefly in ways that you’ve maybe done but I’m not 100% sure. I’ve thought of you standing naked at the corner of my bed stroking yourself as you look at my naked body on the bed. I like this thought a lot.

It’s at about this time that I take off my leggings and underwear. Turn on the vibration right at the tip of my toy and use just the tip to rub against my clit.

I can’t hold images in my head for long of things that might not have happened. So from then on I think of my actual memories of you. But the memories come at different times. The first time you unzipped yourself in front of me and I thought ‘oh fuck me’ at your size.

And as soon as I think this I slide the toy into me and turn on the g-spot vibration to see how that feels.

I think about the first time we properly kissed and it felt like I’d been struck by lightning. I think about the times you’ve made this groan of pleasure at how wet I am for you. Being pressed against a wall as you fingered me while I was wearing some scrap of lingerie. The feel of you inside of me. The look you give me as you’re fucking me.

I think about your voice? Have I ever told you how much I love your voice?

I think of it all the time. I think about the things you say to me all the time. If I weren’t so shy I’d ask you for a voice note. Doesn’t even have to be sexual, anything would do.

But the thing I think about this time is you asking me ‘what do you want?’

You asked me the last time and I found it difficult to answer. I didn’t know what I wanted then, just to feel good. But now with the clit vibration on my toy on, I can feel the build up, that almost orgasm feeling I get and I think about what I want.

I think about answers I’ve given to the question before. To be kissed, for your fingers on my clit while fucking me. To be held down. An answer I didn’t give out loud but only thought before was that I wanted you closer to me, I wanted to be pressed against you.

But it’s not what I want in this moment. I know that I’m staying fairly shallow in what I want with those answers and when I think about the question deeper, when I’m not distracted by your physical presence is when I can answer more honestly.

What do you want?

And it’s like my brain struggles to answer. I know what I want but it’s like I don’t want to admit it. Not even to myself. But the thoughts creep into my brain unbidden anyway.

It’s not even that I want you to use the words ‘good girl’ though I do think those specific words.

I know I want praise of some sort. It doesn’t have to be that.

But tell me something. Tell me I feel good. That you like fucking me.

Tell me that you miss me.

That you think of me when we’re not together.

Tell me you look at my lingerie pics and think of me when you pleasure yourself.

When I think ‘tell me I’m yours’ I start to cry.

My brain can’t process that one. So it chooses not to.