I didn’t intend for this to be a series of posts but I was out on a dog walk this morning and I heard Linger by The Cranberries. This is one of my favourite songs since the moment it was released. I love the combination of the music and the vocals of Dolores O’Riordan. It feels hauntingly beautiful. I’ve been a big fan of The Cranberries just generally since I was a teenager and this song has been a constant on my playlist ever since.

But for me, it also has a bit of a personal connection. I’ve thought of the song twice after relationships have ended and somewhat coincidentally they both ended within a couple of months of each other and the song has has left me feeling little pangs of emotion about how both those ended.

The first, was very much a distance thing. We met online, we’d talk on the phone, we’d video call. There would be some fantasy discussions of how we might end up together at some point in the (fictional) future. But there was never any actual plans to even meet up and neither of us were actually serious about any of those plans.

He treated me badly. He’d be inconsistent in his communication, it would play on my insecurities, my insecurities would cause him to get annoyed and he’d take it out on me by saying mean things to me and cutting off contact. A week or a month later, whatever, he’d come crawling back and like the very insecure, lacking in confidence person I was back then, I’d take him back. I wish I hadn’t now but past me had to go what she had to go through to grow and learn.

But I didn’t learn things straight away.

At the same time as this terrible relationship was ending I had been friends with someone online that lived in Manchester. I’ve mentioned him on this blog briefly. We had things in common, he made me laugh, I liked his accent.

He had a stressful job, worries in his family life, and money issues. And he used all of that as reasons why he wasn’t nicer to me. He definitely made me feel like I wasn’t enough and things would often swing wildly between highs and lows. Eventually, way later than I should have and after a disastrous ‘sexy weekend’ with him where no sex happened, I blocked him.

When I listen to Linger, I think of both of these men. They both burned out quickly and I’m sure that at the time I thought that it was them that was dragging out our relationship, letting it all linger. But I realise now it was me. I wasn’t sure that I deserved anymore than the precious little I got from either man and for that reason I held on.

You know I’m such a fool for you, you got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger? do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?