Somewhat weirdly I had the same conversation with two groups of people in the space of a week. A conversation that I don’t normally have.

The first happened when I was at one of my book group dinners. It was towards the end of the evening and others had left and it was just me and two other people and the conversation was around family. The other two were saying how their families don’t really get them. Well-meaning that they might be, one didn’t feel that connected to their family and the other felt their families wanted them to perhaps be something they’re not?

The second conversation I had was at work with a colleague. She and I don’t work closely together but we are friendly. She shared with me a deeply personal thing that is going on in her family life and I said to her that even though we don’t know each other very well I definitely understood how much her family means to her.

Then both asked me the same question. What about your family? What is it like?

At book group dinner, because it happened first, I stalled for a few minutes before answering the question. And as I was answering it did really hit me that I don’t think I’d ever said the words before.

I don’t have any family, I said. Not really.

My colleague nearly cried when I said it. My book group friends looked surprised and then possibly uncomfortable. I realised that this is probably why I’ve never said those words in that order before. People don’t know how to deal with that answer. Even if I say it in a way like, it’s okay, I’m okay with it. Even then, it’s not something everyone knows how to respond or deal with. And that’s okay too.

I started thinking about my life and my lack of family a lot since those conversations. From therapy, I did know that it’s a very good reason that I married young and started a family young. It’s probably the reason why I waited as long as I did to raise divorce conversations. It’s a reason that the loss of a friendship like I’ve had recently has hit me harder.

I feel like even when I did have family around me I’ve always felt alone. I’ve leaned into hyper independence because I can’t trust that others around me will have my emotional wants or needs as a priority. I’ve come to rely on myself. But that’s hard. And lonely.

I’ve never really considered, beyond my early marriage and starting my own family, the impact of not having reliable family has had on my dating or sex life. I’ve always known that I am how I am (and I’m okay with who I am, I’m pretty great!) but it surprises me that I haven’t before now unravelled more of it, to dig a little deeper into things.

I know that I’d very much like to not be so strong. To not be so independent. I’d love to be able to lean on others sometimes. To be taken care of in small and big ways.

I don’t always know what it feels like to have a parent worry about me, even if they’re a bit annoying with it or don’t always get things about my life or my decisions. I don’t know what it’s like to have a brother or sister to go to for advice or to know my aunt or cousin or whoever will always be there to drive me somewhere or look after my dog at short notice. I don’t have big family dinners on my birthday or at the holidays, I don’t have phone calls with my family or see them on the weekends for brunch or shopping or whatever families do together.

What is that like?