A few months ago my ex husband and I were driving somewhere. We’d left early in the morning, we were expected to be on the road for some time. He pulls into a cafe of some sort and asks what I’d like. A muffin, I said. I didn’t think I needed to specify more than that. When he comes back to the car he hands me a bag and says ‘I got you a blueberry muffin’ and I just turned to look at him with a question in my expression? ‘What?’ he said. ‘You like blueberries, right?’

Another time he messaged to say he was going to stop by Tortilla for burritos, for me to send him my order. I did and when he got home later he said ‘sorry they didn’t have the protein you’d asked for and I couldn’t get hold of you so I had to choose for you – I got you chicken.’

I randomly came across this page on Instagram where the entire content of the page are interviews with random people and they share their thoughts on love. It’s really cute and I’ve now followed the page for more.

And that’s mostly because the first post that I did see was about a woman who said ”I’m remember’ is more romantic than ‘I love you” and I really couldn’t agree more. The idea that love is just the first step and that seeing, remembering, noticing those little things about your partner is love in action.

I’ve written before about what a turn on it is for people to see me or pay me attention. It’s my biggest thing. And I think this whole ‘I remember’ thing plays such a huge part in that. I think the two stories above are ways in which I’ve felt unseen or ways in which even though someone (my ex husband) is adamant that love has always been there and it comes through in everything they do … it doesn’t mean much in other ways. At least not to me.

Maybe I’m being unfair. I probably am. We’ve been separated for five years, my ex husband could be completely disengaged at this point and he doesn’t care one little bit that I haven’t had a blueberry muffin in 20 years. Or that I’d never actively choose chicken for my burrito if there are other options.

Either way, I still think I remember is way more meaningful than ‘I love you’