I was on social media over Christmas and I happened to see a random post that the app thought might interest me. It was about disorganised attachment style.

I’ve read an entire book on attachment styles that I read in 2025. I’ve talked a lot with other people about attachment styles. I was pretty confident that I knew my own attachment style… until I saw this post on social media. I don’t even remember what it said, all I remember is that sharp, uncomfortable feeling of truth. I read it and I knew that it was describing me.

I thought I had an anxious attachment style. It makes sense, right? I want and yearn for close connection with others. I need reassurance, I get insecure when connection isn’t stable.

But … I also pull away from friends or lovers after I’ve shared something deeply personal with them. Even though he and I both knew that I did, I avoided telling my ex I loved him because the thought of saying it either out loud or in a message terrified me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’ve truly been worthy of love. I think I look for signs early on when getting to know somebody that means rejection. My ex husband used to say that I had ‘dead eyes’ sometimes when I wouldn’t let him in on things. I was with him for decades and there were still things I never let him know about me.

Disorganised attachment style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I want closeness and intimacy and reassurance … and I’m also terrified of what it means to be close to someone and question love even when I have it.

It’s not an easy fix with this one. I’m going to keep reading about it and practicing ways to work towards healthier connections with others. But I’m at least hoping that being more aware of what I’m doing and the reasons behind things will mean positive change. We’ll see.