It’s so tiring when there’s literally always something happening that triggers my feelings of insecurity or jealousy.

I’d like to preface this by saying that things with my on/off person have been fine. I told him that I’d bought him a Christmas gift and he was sweet about it. I still haven’t had a chance to give it to him and I haven’t seen him in months. But I don’t need constant reassurance from him (that’s such a big positive shift!) and we don’t message as much and I’m really okay with that. The lack of messaging doesn’t get to me in the same way that it used to nor does the not seeing each other part.

And yet.

The website that I met him on has both a forum section and a verification system where people can write comments after they’ve met people via the site to say ‘this person is cool’ to let others know they are who they say they are.

When I’m bored at work, I’ll be on the forums more often. Joining in on threads or just lurking. I find it interesting and it’s a good way of learning more about a person. You get a feel for people from what they say or how they say things.

I saw a message on a forum thread from a woman that lives locally to me and I clicked on her profile out of curiosity. And that was it. Insecurity and jealousy spiked to an all time high. Because my on/off person had left this woman a verification.

And it isn’t about her. I’m sure she’s lovely. Her pictures are incredible. The few times I’ve seen her post on the forums she seems nice.

But I hate that I feel this way. This verification was left nearly three years ago, long before he and I even knew each other. He’s allowed to have met other people, to have said nice things about her.

I still read it and had lots of Big Feelings. Jealousy obviously. Insecurity about my own connection with him. Hurt that he’s never left me a verification. Annoyance that the times I’ve asked him if he ever did write a verification for me, what would it say? that he responded with a joke. Anger because I wonder if the reason he doesn’t write one for me is because he’s trying to hide his connection to me. Either from someone he is pursuing or because of some other unkind reason.

I don’t want to continue feeling this way.