Part One

I feel like he and I have had some good moments recently. Sure, we haven’t seen each other in 4 months but he sent me two voice notes after I said how much I love voices and how hot I find them. He was probably joking at sending me an audiobook sometime but I liked it.

Another time I said something to him that I wouldn’t normally have. I said something about missing him. He asked if I was missing the kissing? And I gave him a list of things I missed about him. And then a full day later because it was killing me inside, I asked him if he was also missing the kissing. And he said ‘I am’ and it’s the actual closest he’s ever come to saying that he misses me. And I thought I needed that reassurance. I thought that that one message would help tide me over into the next time we see each other.

But I think all it’s done is made me feel even less secure.

Part Two

I had one of those days recently that are rare. I had the house to myself. I considered inviting him over. But in the end … I didn’t. When I gave it some thought later I thought that part of the reason that I didn’t ask is because when I ask 90% of the time it ends in him saying ‘no’ and I can only handle so much rejection. That day I decided that a rejection from him might tip me over the edge.

But I still had an empty house. So of course I pulled out some toys and started masturbating … and right towards the end, right before orgasm I thought of …him and cried. I’ve never cried over him during masturbation before and it made me feel like shit.

I think I’ve just hit this point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we are, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. At the moment, it’s been about two weeks where we haven’t really messaged and I think …is it just me that feels that loss?

It probably is.

Part Three

I keep seeing this woman’s profile online. Her and him met up years ago and he left her a really nice verification.

And every time I see her name online my heart hurts a little bit. Not because of her or anything. Seeing her name just makes me feel insecure. Because for whatever reason, he’s happy to shout out in public that he’s met some people, that he had a great time meeting them or whatever. And every time I see her name it reminds me that I don’t fall within that group.

And maybe it wouldn’t matter so much if he offered me reassurance in other ways?

If he messaged me first. If he invited me over. If he told me how he felt about me. Something. Anything.

But he doesn’t. So I’m left to spiral into insecurity.

Part Four

I was at book club dinner and we’d all had food and people started leaving but this one friend that I’m closest with stayed and it was just me and her talking. And we started talking about things only her and I talk about.

I told her about the jokey conversation about him recording himself reading a book to me, that he (sort of) said he missed me. And I said … I don’t know if I’m just thinking how I’m thinking because of my own issues or because if it’s the right thing to do.

She said something like, but you’re only telling me good things right now? and I knew I was. I like talking about the nice things.

But then I said I didn’t want to him invite him over because I was afraid I’d be rejected again.

And I said that I see him maybe once in 3-4 months which, if we’re FWBs, isn’t really satisfying my needs in that department.

And I said that I wouldn’t sit here like I was with my friend talking for a few hours over food or drinks with him. So are he and I even friends?

And I said that I’ve never been to his place. Because he said something like not having people over protects his peace. But if after nearly two years of knowing each other … if I disturb his peace what even are we doing?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel.