I read something on social media recently that said if I’m not over him it’s not because I’m still into him but that I miss being ‘chosen.’

Another post said I’m not over him because I’m comparing the fun that I had with him with the misery of dating. If I had something that put a smile on my face consistently, I wouldn’t be dwelling on what I had.

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

I don’t think I’m necessarily still into him. I think I can separate things out in my head and with my emotions enough to know that he’s where he should be and doing the things he should be doing. And I prefer it that I don’t play a big part in his life anymore. I probably shouldn’t have ever played any part in it.

But I do miss things. Aside from him. I don’t think I need to go into the detail of what I miss about him specifically. It isn’t fair on either of us to get into that.

But I’ll tell you what I do miss. Just structurally within our relationship.

I miss that when we argued or when I brought up anxieties, he’d listen to me and ask questions about how he could make things easier for me. That sort of energy feels rare in my life.

I like that even though he was pressed for availability to see me that he’d get creative in order to make it happen. It was a priority seeing me and god, I absolutely fucking miss that.

I miss all the physical contact. Not just the sex though the sex was fucking electric. He was a really tactile person and even if we were just meeting to go on a walk it was lovely to walk together holding hands. I miss having someone to cuddle into while he just idly stroked my arms or legs or whatever.

I miss his curiosity about me. A man who asked me questions and genuinely wanted to know more about me, how I think, what I’m feeling.