I’ve been watching The Good Doctor on Netflix recently. Despite it being a medical drama, it feels fairly low stakes. I don’t think I’m ever that concerned about people dying or making mistakes or things going wrong. All of those things do happen but it feels like the medical side of things is just a vehicle for a bunch of characters to process life together.

I’ve just started season 3 and one of the episodes I watched recently was about two people talking. One says to the other that he never really committed in relationships, he didn’t allow himself to be vulnerable with others, he never let other people in. And that one scene is the reason I watch anything. Because it’s about this specific character. But it could be about me.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot. That despite being married my entire adult life I don’t think I ever really let my ex husband in. Not really. He probably knows me better than anyone else but that’s because of proximity mostly. That isn’t by design. I never really talked about my feelings with him, I never let him into my memories or experiences. We were just two people living together, sharing the remote and coasting through our relationship together.

I wanted to write that I have let one person in. I wanted to write that I was vulnerable with him. That I committed myself to that relationship.

But I don’t think that’s true. And I think he knew it too. He brought it up once. He asked if the situation he was in meant that I felt like I could be more open knowing that there was less risk. I probably attempted to talk him out of that being the case. But I don’t think he was wrong. I loved him. And I loved him in the biggest way I could. But I knew that it was restricted to the confines of what we were and maybe that did allow for some safety. For a bubble for me to be in with him.

I think I’m too afraid to do that with another person. With another person that has the full capacity to be with me fully. But I don’t want to be afraid of that.